Within 2 years I had met a Muslim brother and we were married. We now have one daughter. My son lives with us and sees his dad a couple of times each week. We are all very happy, al-hamdu lillah.
My question is about my son. His dad has not been thrilled with my decision to convert and at one time told me he didn't want his son "associating with those people."
Needless to say, I did not want my son growing up confused between two religions. (His dad is Catholic and has had him in Sunday school classes and takes him to church.) I felt that I would do a disservice to my son at such a young age who just needs to learn that there is a God and that He loves them.
I thought that I would lead by example and answer his questions about Islam as they came up. I didn't want to focus on the little things, but wanted to make sure my son had an understanding of God. I thought that when he gets old enough, he would be able to answer his own calling in regards to which religion he wanted to practice and follow.
Al-hamdu lillah, my son asks some very good questions and has some very deep concerns about the faith of his father. His father is unable to answer some of his questions.
Here are my concerns as my son now becomes a teenager. I hope you can help address them.
1. First of all, am I justified in doing what I did with my son? As he is getting older, is there anything different I should be doing to help him understand Islam better? He does go to the mosque with us occasionally, I do have Islamic literature all over the house, and my husband and I are very open for discussions. (We are both converts.)
2. He is becoming a teenager and will one day become interested in girls. What would be the best way of handling "girlfriend" situations? He is living both worlds right now. We have our Islamic way of life, and he has another way of life at his dad’s.
Does he need to seriously think about which religion he will follow now—at age 13? I just don't know how we are going to handle this as he gets older and wants to go out with girls and parties and all of that. While we may put our foot down here, it will be undermined at his dad’s. Will this create more confusion for him or what?
3. Would it be a good idea for me to sit down with him and explain all of my concerns to him? There is no compulsion in religion, but I want him to start thinking about Islam and if that is really something he feels he believes in or not. What might I want to say or make sure I cover with him?
In sha’ Allah, my son will find his way to Islam. I only want the best for him. On the one hand it is a burden for him as he sees these two ways of thinking and living and this might confuse him.
On the other hand, not too many teenagers in theUSA have had the experience of growing up learning about Christianity AND Islam.
What a special thing that is. I do need some help, however, with these touchy teenage years and running an Islamic household while being mindful of his situation. Thank you for your help and support. May Allah reward you for your good deeds.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Our duty as parents is to raise them with the tarbiyah (training and education for life) that allows them to know Allah and understand their relationship with Him.
As he enters his teen years, befriend him and try to help him develop healthy relationships with other young Muslims who can be positive support to him.
Try to teach him why you and your husband made the choices you made. Do not preach to him or nag.
Perhaps a good way to begin looking at these issues with him is to cover the seerah (biography) of the Prophet and Companions with him.
Wa `alaykum as-salam.
My dear sister, I can understand the concerns you have as a mother. I understand that you would naturally want what is best for your child. In the ideal sense, the child is and should be raised as a Muslim. However, it does not mean he should not know about Christianity.
Many parents in this situation are often worried about the effects of exposure to more than one religion on a child. Children are quite resilient and with proper love, guidance, and parents who are open to questions, children will grow to have a more global perspective. Eventually, they will understand how to negotiate the differences in their lives.
Tarbeyah
An Islamic upbringing will not devalue your child’s belief in Christ, the divine conception of Mary, and the second coming of Jesus. Rather, it should serve to strengthen the belief, as it is a main part of the Islamic belief system as well. This will also help him be able to deal with the questions he has about his father’s religion.
That being said, another reason Islam dictates that children be raised as Muslim relieves the stress that they may endure in a dual-religion home.
At times it can be extremely difficult for children to understand why their parents are doing different things. It cannot only become a source of tension and confusion, but they can also feel trapped in a difficult family situation, especially if there is tension.
It is important that the home environment is tranquil so as to allow the children to develop in the best possible environment for their benefit in this life and the next. Our duty as parents is to raise them with the tarbiyah (training and education for life) that allows them to know Allah and understand their relationship with Him.
How to Accept Different Faiths
You were open-minded with your husband, but I always encourage that parents try to learn and understand Islamic child-rearing practices. Parents will find that these practices truly will teach their children how to understand and accept differences of faith of all people. It helps them to become God-fearing and righteous individuals who would advocate for justice for all people regardless of faith or color.
As he enters his teen years, befriend him and try to help him develop healthy relationships with other young Muslims who can be positive support to him.
Try to teach him why you and your husband made the choices you made. Do not preach to him or nag.
Encourage him to go to the mosque with you and to come to other activities he may enjoy.
Explore some of the concerns he has about his father’s way of life and how you answered those or similar questions yourself as you were confronted with them.
The situation with his father is going to be difficult to negotiate because, without the Islamic conscience in his heart, your son can easily gravitate to his father’s allowance to do as he pleases. Because of this, you will have to always be careful about which battles you choose to fight.
Do Not Nag Him
Speak to him about these situations as they arise and let him know why you are averse to them, what your concerns for him are—spiritually, physically, emotionally, and socially as well.
Always be firm and have high expectations, but reinforce the fact that you love him and want the best for him. DO NOT NAG him, as this can be a source of creating space between you all, especially in the teenage years. At the same time do not be scared to let him know your expectations.
Study the Seerah
Perhaps a good way to begin looking at these issues with him is to cover the seerah (biography) of the Prophet and Companions with him. It can be told as stories, and answer questions as he raises them.
Or you could choose to sit with him and tell him that you have always tried your best to give him space to learn and understand the differences in yours and his father’s lives and would like for him to spend a little time more learning about Islam so that he may understand it independently.
Tell him that you love him and want the best for him in this life and the next, and maybe then you can suggest covering the seerah.
One last note: Continue to build and increase your own knowledge so that you can deal with situations as they arise.
And Allah knows best.
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