She is a virgin and she is a good Muslimah, alhamdulillah. She is just worried about these thoughts. She does wish to get married. I am a bit worried.
I looked on the internet and found psychologists saying it is normal, all of us have thoughts and fantasies of the same sex as well, not only the opposite gender. Especially at her age.
How normal is it, in your opinion as a Muslim psychologist? And what can I do as a mother to help my daughter? JAK.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Adolescence is a time of great transition as they prepare to face a future where they are more independent.
If you live in a country where homosexuality is acceptable, then this could be partly responsible for her feelings.
Another thing to remember is that having homosexual feelings is not a sin. What Allah has forbidden is acting upon these feelings.
Once married, she will likely find her lack of sexual desire for men dissipating as the marital relationship establishes.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
Alhamdulillah that your daughter is a good Muslimah, and Alhamdulillah feels worried about the feelings that she is having. This indicates that she knows what is right and wrong Islamically.
Given your daughter’s age, it is argued to that going through this stage has many emotions with heightened hormones. They pass through a very significant phase of life encountering new experiences of independence.
Understanding the things that she is going through can help to understand where her feelings might be coming from.
Adolescence’s changes
Adolescence is a time of great transition as they prepare to face a future where they are more independent. They will be embracing many life changes, such as marriage and career. As much as it can be exciting, it can also be very frightening too.
Allah has prescribed marriage to us. Even though it comes with so many benefits, it can be very daunting too.
It is a time where you have to make compromises to live a satisfying life with someone from an entirely different background.
As a result, it’s not surprising that at this age some people are frightened to get married. Some even say they don’t want to get married at all.
Fear of Marriage
Perhaps your daughter expresses a fear of marriage in the form of having some homosexual desires despite the fact that she does actually want to get married.
Perhaps her current feelings are almost acting as some kind of emotional defence mechanism to cushion her fear of the changes to come.
Social Influence
If you live in a country where homosexuality is acceptable, then this could be partly responsible for her feelings.
In order to counter this as much as possible, you can encourage her to surround herself with other sisters who also follow the same beliefs as her as a Muslim and would not endorse homosexuality.
Feelings, Actions
Another thing to remember is that having homosexual feelings is not a sin. What Allah has forbidden is acting upon these feelings.
Alhamdulilah that she is aware that to be a lesbian is not OK in Islam. In sha Allah, she will not act upon her desires. This is something to reassure her about as well.
Educate Her About Marriage
Since she would like to get married, now it might be a good time to educate her about marriage in Islam so that she knows what to expect when the time comes.
It might also help her to feel more inclined towards it and away from the unwanted desires towards other women.
To do this, perhaps you could enroll on a course together. This will show her your support and let her know that she can open up to you about any concerns she might have along the way.
Depending on her age and situation, when she feels ready to move forward and get married, take that opportunity to start the process of searching for a spouse.
Doing so in the Islamic way should help to ease her nerves since you can be present when she meets any potential suitors along with her mahram.
This experience will give her the chance to see what marriage could be like, and to have her own say in who she marries with your support.
As an Adult…
Once she gets married, she will likely find that her lack of sexual desire for men will dissipate as she establishes the marital relationship.
At this stage, it probably isn’t anything to be concerned about. In fact, being overly concerned may even make the situation worse.
May Allah rewards your support for your daughter and may he guide her on the straight path. May He grant her a righteous spouse who will accept to you and the coolness of her eyes in this life and the next.
Salam,
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