I am a mother of a 17-year-old boy who asked me, “Mum, is there any Islamic way to win the heart of a woman as a wife, because there is a girl in my school I really love and wish to marry.
But how should I do this, how should I tell her this, what should I do for her to love me, like me. Because I only know about haram (forbidden by Allah) advice from American books on how to date, to write love letters, and so on.”
So my question is what should I tell him? Is there any Islamic way to win the heart of a woman?
Is he allowed to wear good clothes, style his hair, and so on to attract this young lady? Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•You will recall that Islam forbids any sort of premarital relationship.
•He needs to know that you appreciate him so that he will feel comfortable talking to you in the future.
•Talk to him about the powerful love that existed between Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) and our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him).
•Help him to understand that Islam encourages love but never allows human beings to transgress beyond the limits set by Allah.
•Guide him to focus on his relationship with Allah, on his studies, on sports, and on community service. Channel his youthful energy into constructive activities.
As-salamu `Alaikum,
Thank you for writing to us about your son’s concerns. We appreciate the time you are taking to help your son navigate adolescence. Here are some thoughts for your consideration.
First, Islamic teachings forbid any premarital relationship, so even before attempting to win any woman’s heart, your son should know that unless he is ready to marry her, he should wait. Before you talk to him, make sure that you are clear about what Islamic teachings apply to this situation.
Based on what you have written to us, you imply that it is acceptable for your 17-year-old to be attempting to win the love of this young woman.
If you encourage your son at this age, do not be surprised later when he does win the love of this woman and wishes to have a premarital relationship with her.
You will recall that Islam forbids any sort of premarital relationship, and that is the main reason why parents should not encourage any sort of behavior that might lead to or have the potential to lead to a premarital relationship.
Therefore, you should know that behavior such as “wearing good clothes” or “styling his hair” with the intention of winning the heart of this young woman are not recommended, because the end goal—a premarital relationship—is forbidden.
Second, when you talk to him, do not tell him as the first point that dating is haram (forbidden by Allah) because he will be heartbroken. Instead, tell him that you are very fortunate and grateful to Allah to have a son who would want to live his life according to Islamic teachings.
This is very important. He needs to know that you appreciate him so that he will feel comfortable talking to you in the future.
Then, tell him that the love that Islam recognizes between a male and a female who are not mahram (forbidden in marriage) as halal or permissible is one that exists between a husband and a wife.
Help him to understand that he will have all the time in the world to strengthen the love between his wife and himself after marriage. He can wear good clothes, groom himself, and buy her gifts.
Talk to him about the powerful love that existed between Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) and our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him).
Help him to understand that Islam encourages love but never allows human beings to transgress beyond the limits set by Allah, which in this case would mean that there can be no premarital relationship.
Finally, we hope that you will continue to talk to your son and maintain a loving and open relationship with him. Remember, appreciate the fact that he came to you with his concerns.
Help him now to feel comfortable that even though you are not supporting his efforts to establish a premarital relationship, you still love him and want the best for him.
Check out this counseling video
Guide him to focus on his relationship with Allah, on his studies, on sports, and on community service. Channel his youthful energy into constructive activities.
May Allah make this process easy for you. Ameen. Your son may not like your advice to stay away from this young woman until he is ready for marriage; however, in the final analysis, he will appreciate your efforts!
Make du`aa’ (supplication) for your son to have healthy and sinless adolescence.
And Allah knows best.
Salam
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