First, thank you for this service, I have a question about my daughter. She is now 14-year-old, and I really have a difficult time managing her temper and her ups and downs.
One day she is active and talking and socializing with us. The other day, she is so lazy and isolated. She does not allow us to give her any advice anymore.
Sometimes she became very nervous and leads to troubles between us. Is this normal when a kid becomes a teenager? How can I manage?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Begin to set boundaries and consequences.
•Find out what her interests are, or try to cultivate interests in the Islamic community by getting her engaged in positive youth groups.
•Ensure she understands what is happening to her body and emotions as going through puberty and young adulthood can be confusing.
•Talk to her about this on one of the days when she is active and social with the family.
•Take her out for lunch or something she enjoys, and begin a conversation expressing your interest in her life and her aspirations as a young woman.
As-salamu alaykum,
Welcome to teenager life! As parents, we often feel a sense of excitement and dread when the teen years are upon us. A we know this can often be a turmoilous time.
Hormonal teen
With the emotional and physical changes teens go through; puberty, hormones, trying to fit in at school, trying to sort through their emotions, yes-it is normal!
Your daughter seems to be acting like a normal hormonal teen just trying to find herself in a changing body and mind.
I would kindly suggest that when she wishes to be alone, that you respect that (unless you suspect depression).
Try to go with the flow-that is the ups and downs of her mood swings. They will insha’Allah even out soon.
Setting boundaries and consequences.
I would kindly suggest however that if her temper becomes disrespectful or extreme, that you begin to set boundaries and consequences.
While it can be from the normal fluctuation of growth and frustration of seeking her new identity as a young woman, she still needs accountability as well as an outlet.
As her parent it is up to you to provide healthy outlets for her to engage in. Find out what her interests are, or try to cultivate interests in the Islamic community by getting her engaged in positive youth groups.
Ensure she understands what is happening to her body and emotions as going through puberty and young adulthood can be confusing.
I kindly suggest trying to talk to her about this on one of the days when she is active and social with the family.
Beginning a conversation
Take her out for lunch or something she enjoys, and begin a conversation expressing your interest in her life and her aspirations as a young woman.
This may insha’Allah open the doorway for improved conversation and increased trust.
Check out this counseling answer:
These times will not be forever, it may feel like it, but it will pass. I would most importantly suggest that insha’Allah you do something good for yourself at least once a week, as you will need self care during these times as well!
Lastly, if you feel she is depressed or she is withdrawing more and more, or displaying violent behaviors please do have her evaluated by a therapist.
However from what you have described, we have all gone through this around that age, from one extreme or another.
You are in our prayers.
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