There are times when I will be very stressed or depressed like for example at the moment it's because of the university.
When I am stressed I automatically zone out and become silent. I do not talk at home.
The least I expect in this situation is that my mother comes to me and comfort that I will be fine.
But my mother has such a superior feeling that I can even die and she will never come, she will just leave me dying in my state.
Not once will she come and talk to me. And this behavior of her further aggravates me and I cannot stand it, I just cry the whole day and night.
I tried talking to her about this and she categorically said I will never come to you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Sister, while you may think that your mother has a big ego, it may be that she does not know how to reach out and comfort you or others.
•Seek out counseling from a therapist in your area.
•Seek out a friend or other family member whom you feel close to confide in and get support from.
•Your mom loves you very much and naturally, you need to be reassured of that. As she is unable to do that right now for whatever reason, you still have to move forward to resolve these feelings
As salamu Alaykum,
Thank you for writing to us. Sister, I am very sorry to hear that you’re going through a lot of anxiety and stress right now. May Allah grant ease.
Living with stress, anxiety, depression and so forth is not easy. Especially when you feel that the person who you should be able to count on most, your mom-is not supportive or nurturing.
You are not alone sister, many suffer from these conditions at times throughout life. It is difficult, but insha’Allah dear sister it will be resolved.
Needing Comfort
You stated that when you have stress or you feel anxious that you just get “really silent and zone out”. This can be common, especially when one is depressed and just wants to withdraw from the world around them.
While withdrawing may seem like a solution, it can actually make things worse. As you are not engaging in life and doing things that can help make you feel better.
When one is depressed sister, it is a blessing to have a family member or close friend to talk to about our feelings and to encourage us. However, that is not always available or is not available in the ways in which we expect or hope it to be.
For instance, you wish that your mom was more loving, attentive and supportive but she is not.
In your question you stated that your mother has the “biggest ego”. And that you expect in situations where you need her to comfort you and tell you that you will be fine, she doesn’t.
You also described her as “feeling superior” as she never does comfort you or check on you. And you’re always left alone to cope with how you’re feeling.
Ego, Inability or Confidence
Sister, while you may think that your mother has a big ego, it may be that she does not know how to reach out and comfort you or others.
Perhaps in her life, while she was growing up no one showed her compassion, concern, or caring when she was upset or lonely or sad.
Therefore she may have had to learn to overcome things on her own. If this was the case, she may have never learned how to comfort you or others who she is close to.
On the other hand, it could be that your mother thinks so highly of you that she trusts in your abilities. She believes that you are so resilient that you can overcome anything that you are faced with.
She may be confident in your outcomes, thus she may appear to be not caring, distant. And she has a big ego when in actuality she may just believe in you. And believe that you will overcome what you’re going through.
Whatever the case may be, I can empathize with you and understand that this hurts you.
We all need our mothers when life throws us curves or when we’re stressed and don’t know where to turn or when we’re sad.
It is always a comfort to have our mothers to reassure us that everything will be alright. As this is not the case for you right now and you have tried talking to her, perhaps you could write her a letter.
Insha’Allah, outline your feelings concerning how much you love her, need her, how you look to her for comfort. And how you need her to be there during times of stress, sadness, or other moments in life when you need a best friend and a mom.
Perhaps if you do write this letter and she reads it, she will be able to read it over and over again. And reflect on what it means, and how she can change her behaviors to be more attentive to your needs.
Counseling and Moving Forward
Sister, you are starting your plans to go to university, this is a very stressful time. It can be scary because there will be a lot of work ahead of you. It will be a new environment.
Additionally, it will require new changes, dedication as you are starting a new chapter in your life. I’m not sure if you’ll be leaving home to go to university or not. But if you are that may be adding to your stress and depression you.
Check out this counseling video
You may be sad if you’re leaving home and afraid of your new life. These are all normal feelings sister, however, I kindly recommend that insha’Allah you seek out counseling from a therapist in your area.
You stated that “you cry the whole day and night”. This does sound like it is beyond just feeling a little sad sister.
While I cannot diagnose you, I would say that you may be suffering from depression and would greatly benefit from therapy insha’Allah.
If you do engage in counseling you may be able to at some point- bring your mother in to your counseling sessions.
Insha’Allah this may help her understand what you are going through and the kind of relationship that you seek to have with her.
By getting counseling inshallah, it will help you with your depression and stress. And it may help bring you and your mother closer.
Conclusion
In the meantime, seek out a friend or other family member whom you feel close to confide in and get support from.
Sister never doubt that your mom’s love. She loves you very much. Often times when we are stressed, depressed or feeling alone, we feel others do not love us when in fact they do.
Your mom loves you very much and naturally, you need to be reassured of that. As she is unable to do that right now for whatever reason, you still have to move forward to resolve these feelings and reduce your stress so you can heal, attain your goals and be happy.
Please do write a letter to your mom, seek out counseling and know that inshallah your situation will be resolved.
Please make duaa to Allah swt for ease, mercy and guidance.
You are in our prayers please let us know how you are doing.
Salam,
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