This upsets me so much. I always tell him that this is haram but, he doesn't listen. Please, advise me what to do.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Let her know how it makes you feel and that you have always done what you think is best for her and supported her from birth until now, and you deserve her respect.
•Most importantly, explain to her that Islamically we have to be respectful to our parents, even if they have done bad things.
•Simply being there for her and showing her your support will help her to feel less intimidated about what is to come as she feels she has your support.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum,
It can be very distressing to a parent when their child disrespects them and even more so if the spouse is being unsupportive, too.
Islamically, we are obliged to be good to our parents, but unfortunately in the teenage years, around your daughter’s age, children can face this period of rebellion.
This is usually just a temporary phase that is generally a response to inner feelings they experience as they venture into adulthood.
A number of factors can influence this, beginning with hormonal and physical changes to an inner fear of the responsibilities that come with adulthood.
At 17, your daughter will soon be formally classed as an adult, and the expectation will be on her to fulfill all the duties and obligations of an adult such as getting married, obtaining employment, and maintaining a household.
Such tasks can seem very daunting when you have lived at home all your life and had all these things taken care of by your parents.
It is unfortunate that the parents are the ones who generally take the blow of this by facing the disrespect. usually, those who are closest to them become the easy targets, especially as teenagers know that their parents will always love them unconditionally anyway.
Perhaps if you try explaining this to her father it might help him to understand why she behaves in this way and that, in sha’ Allah, it is a phase that will pass as she settles into adulthood.
If he still continues to behave in the way, then you could instead try taking a different approach. She might not understand the reason why she behaves the way she does, but you could certainly ask and let her know that her disrespectful behavior is not OK.
Let her know how it makes you feel and that you have always done what you think is best for her and supported her from birth until now, and you deserve her respect.
Most importantly, explain to her that Islamically we have to be respectful to our parents, even if they have done bad things.
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She might not say that the reason she behaves this way is due to this inner fear of what is to come in the near future as she progresses into adulthood.
She might not even be able to pinpoint that this is what is the potential cause of her disrespectful behavior. So, simply being there for her and showing her your support will help her to feel less intimidated about what is to come as she feels she has your support.
Be aware of her plans for the future; does she want to study or work? What are her plans for marriage? As she becomes aware of your support and embraces more of what is to come, then, in sha’Allah, her levels of disrespect will go down, and normal relations will be restored with her dad, too.
May Allah (swt) make your daughter the coolness of yours and her father’s eyes, and may you be the coolness of hers. May she grow up to become a successful and respectable young woman.
Salam,
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