Anger Towards Mother, How to Control It?

12 August, 2020
Q Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. I find it hard for me to show the highest kindness towards my mother. Sometimes we get disputes and I find it hard for me to control my anger.

And I can see my mother gets really upset. Honestly, I don't want to make her upset. But unfortunately, it seems to me that I fail my test.

Later on, I ask her forgiveness and she says she has forgiven, though I don't find her happy.

I always think inshallah next time I will lower my wings of mercy for her but the peak of emotion really makes me failed.

Pray for us, May Allah give us a better understanding, may He provide us a way out of this, may He SWT forgive us.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

•First, think before you speak. In the heat of the moment of anger towards mother, it’s easy to say something you’ll later regret.

•Begin to keep a journal and write down your feelings several times a day in order to help you figure out what is really bothering you

•When you feel your anger starting to rise, picture a STOP sign in your mind. Count to 10, and begin deep breathing exercises to help you regain control of your emotions.

•Learn about stress reduction techniques and relaxation exercises.

•If you find you still cannot control your angry outbursts, please do see a counselor in your area.


As-salmu Alaykum dear sister,

Shokran for writing to us. Sadly your problem is one I hear often.

While it sounds like you love your mother very much, it appears your problem controlling your emotions and anger towards your mother are not only hurting her, but causing you to sin.

In the Qur’an it states “And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.” (Quran: Luqman 31:14).

Therefore you will be accountable to Allah for the way you treat your mother, which comes down to controlling-dealing with your anger issues.

Often time people who have difficulty controlling their anger have low frustration levels. Holding anger in may lead to health problems, depression, or anxiety. Expressing anger can be done in a healthy way.

We all need to express our feelings, however, the manner in which you are expressing your anger is unhealthy and disruptive to relationships, especially for you, your mom and your duties to Allah SWT.

Dear sister, I am not sure how old you are (puberty often comes with emotional us and downs) or if you are under stress or have other issues going on, but insha’Allah I would kindly suggest the following steps recommended by the APA and others.

Handle Your Anger towards Mother

First, think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something you’ll later regret.

Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything —in fact, when you feel your anger starting to rise, picture a STOP sign in your mind.

Count to 10, and begin deep breathing exercises to help you regain control of your emotions.

Once you are calm, express how you feel in a calm, non-threatening manner. If you fear you may say hurtful things to your mom, go in your room, or out for a walk and write down what you are feeling and list the reasons why.

Discuss them at another time with your mom when you both are calm and away from the initial subject. Communication must ensure but in the proper way.

In fact, I highly suggest sister that you begin to keep a journal and write down your feelings several times a day in order to help you figure out what is really bothering you, as well as gauge your progress in anger control management as you incorporate these techniques into your daily life.


Check out this counseling video


Thirdly, exercise. Exercise is not only good for burning off excess calories and maintaining our physical health but it is good for our mental health as well.

Exercise helps reduce stress thus reducing angry emotions. Learn about stress reduction techniques and relaxation exercises. These techniques are very successful in reducing anger and stress and well as increasing your overall control of self, expression, and how you feel.

Take a timeout

“A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what’s ahead without getting irritated or angry” *.

During this time I would kindly suggest doing dhkir or reading Qur’an as it is healing and has a soothing effect on our hearts and minds. Remembrance of Allah brings peace, safety, and blessings. Find out what is causing your anger.

Again, by journaling your thoughts, emotions, and feelings daily, this may give you insight into what is truly the issue.

Once you have identified the true issue (no, it is not because your mom said “do the dishes” that you went into a rage) address it in rational steps. List how you will approach the problem, and follow-through.

Please do insha’Allah use “I” statements combined with how you feel when communicating with your mom how you feel.

You might say “I felt hurt when you said I did not know how to clean properly” instead of “you said I could not clean properly, yes I can”. Do you see the difference in tone?

Conclusion

If after your attempts to sincerely address your anger issues you find you still cannot control your angry outbursts, please do see a counselor in your area.

Counselors will be able to provide more in-depth sessions regarding anger management, address any other issues which may be going on as well as possibly refer you to anger management classes.

While I confident insha’Allah that you can overcome this as possible it has become a habit, please do continue as well to seek Allah’s help and forgiveness through pray, duaa and dkhir. You expressed regret and remorse in your letter.

My heart goes out to you, as you are truly sorry for these actions. That is the first step and a good sign. Know Allah is most forgiving and loves to forgive. You are in our prayers dear sister, we wish you the best.

***

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.