Answer
In this counseling answer:
“talk to your husband now, before time slips away. Let him know that you are there for him and that you need him to be there for you. Explore those foundational areas such as communication, trust, love, and patience, to name a few. Enroll in personal financial management courses together. Prepare for the pregnancy and, in sha’ Allah, have regular medical checkups.”
As-salamu `Alaikum,
Thank you for writing to us. May Allah Most High grant you the clarity of purpose and strengthen your faith. You are dealing with two very challenging issues and we make du`aa’ that, in sha’ Allah, you and your husband will take the time to address these issues to the best of your abilities.
First, we understand how frustrating it can be to be in the first years of one’s marriage and be stressed about so many different issues. However, we want to suggest to you that almost all couples experience this type of stress, although, perhaps not about the same issues and also with different intensities of stress. In order to deal with your particular issues, and even those which may arise in the future, you need to focus on key areas that really help to build a strong foundation for the marriage. Some of these areas are communication, trust, love, and patience.
There must be clear channels of communication from the start. It is not sufficient to say that he does not listen to you or that he does not understand you. Both of you must exert tremendous effort to make sure that you listen to one another and that you, in sha’ Allah, understand one another.
In addition, trust has to be earned over time by each of you. You need to be able to trust your husband to fulfill all of his responsibilities (your rights) and in turn your husband needs to trust you and count on you to fulfill all of your responsibilities (his rights). Satan loves to sow seeds of discord through weakening the trust between a husband and wife.
Finally, over time, you need to learn to be patient with one another and to become loving and lovable towards one another. Both patience and love need tremendous effort to develop fully. Make regular du`aa’ to Allah Most High to foster mutual trust, love, and patience between you and your husband and to help you to communicate with each other. Consider where you are in your marriage with some of these foundation areas.
Second, with specific regards to the issue of finances, al-hamdu lillah, this is one of those areas that is somewhat tangible, unlike other more emotional areas. Your husband cannot simply blame you for the financial troubles you both might be facing without having some proof. On the surface, the issue is fairly simple and straightforward: there is a total net income (after taxes and so on) that comes into the home, and there is a total net expenditure that goes out of the home.
If you allege that your husband does not know how to take care of his money, then there must be clear proof on your part as to what your husband actually does in order to appear careless with his money. For example, does he make enough to begin with to support the family? In sha’ Allah, he does make enough, so the next question becomes, does he spend some of the income on areas other than the household, such as entertaining his friends, making non-essential purchases like a more fancy watch or the latest and most expensive clothing, or perhaps even giving in charity but before ensuring that the needs of the household are met first.
It is unclear why he blames you. And it is equally unclear why you feel he does not know how to take care of his money. In either case, believe it or not, financial management is something learned, and we strongly suggest that you and your husband enroll in classes to help you to learn how to manage your household finances. If you enroll together, there will be no reason for either of you to blame the other for not knowing how to take care of your money.
Third, the most serious issue, we believe, is that you and your husband are stressed about the unplanned pregnancy. Al-hamdu lillah, there really is no such thing as an unplanned pregnancy, because Allah Most High is in control and gives life and takes life according to His plan.
The only unplanned aspect of it in a human sense, is that you did not want to have a child at this time because you have plans such as going to college and you believe you are not financially ready to have a child. As for the financial readiness, Allah Most High is the Sustainer, and so we are taught not to hold back from having children out of a fear of poverty.
When you work on strengthening your relationship with Allah Most High, He will provide for you and for the child, in sha’ Allah. As for not wanting the pregnancy due to your plans for college, accept the fact that only Allah gives life and takes life, and that despite how difficult it looks right now for you to stop your life to be pregnant, there are untold blessings of having a child. Your emotional and physical health will also be affected positively if, in sha’ Allah, your spiritual health is strong out of a trust in Allah to take care of you and your family.
Finally, talk to your husband now, before time slips away. Let him know that you are there for him and that you need him to be there for you. Explore those foundational areas such as communication, trust, love, and patience, to name a few. Enroll in personal financial management courses together. Prepare for the pregnancy and, in sha’ Allah, have regular medical checkups.
May Allah Most High strengthen your faith and protect you and your husband from the whispers of Satan.
And Allah knows best.
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