We have a daughter together, she is 6 years. He tends to smother her daughter with love and this leads to problems between us.
When I try to discipline her, she runs to him and he lets her do what she wants. He very rarely supports me when I try to discipline her.
He says that I show little love and affection because I shout at her too much. He seems to ignore the fact that she is most times rude and disrespectful.
I am trying to correct that, but it does not help if he over rules me all the time. Please help.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Try to establish a relationship based on mutual understanding and trust between you and the daughter and even between you and your husband.
•Try to get closer to her and try to show that you understand the reasons for her reaction.
•Try to show that you give importance to her.
•Perhaps the two of you can share your feelings with each other about these issues with a sincere desire to understand the other person’s views, perception and feelings, rather than continuing to argue about who is right and who is wrong.
As-salamu `Alaikum Dear sister,
It is a little too late to instill rules at 18-year-old daughter. Her responses towards the rules that you want her to obey will be aggressive and rebellious.
If there is no relationship based on mutual trust between you and her and the relationship does not progress along with a positive point of focus, then your aim in disciplining her will definitely fail.
As you know at the age of 18, young people tend to have lots of energy and can be aggressive. To add to this the father has married twice, which might be a reality too difficult for her to cope with.
Raising and disciplining children works the best, when both the husband and the wife are able to come to a mutual understanding of how they would like their children to grow up, what values and traits would they like their children to grow up with, what does loving children mean and when, how and who will discipline the children.
Apparently, you and your husband do not yet have this mutual understanding on these important issues. On the contrary, it sounds like the two of you have some major differences about how each of you is handling your daughter.
You seem to blame him for spoiling the child. He seems to blame you for being too strict. And, the child seems to be taking advantage of this.
Try to establish a relationship based on mutual understanding and trust between you and the daughter and even between you and your husband.
While doing this you must use more clear and gentle ways of explaining as much as possible. Then you can emphasize the importance of the rules to you.
Also try to get closer to her and try to show that you understand the reasons for her reaction and try to show that you give importance to her.
It should not be forgotten that sometimes the way of explaining is more important than what you want to explain.
Check out this counseling video
Perhaps the two of you can share your feelings with each other about these issues with a sincere desire to understand the other person’s views, perception and feelings, rather than continuing to argue about who is right and who is wrong.
It helps to have a third neutral party around to facilitate and guide your discussions. Perhaps an elder from your families, or a qualified Imam or counselor.
Salam
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