I Hate My Teenager Son

02 November, 2019
Q As-salamu `alaikum, I'm a single mother and I have a problem that I hate my teenager son, I' can't deal with him anymore. please help

Answer

In this counseling answer:

•Maintain eye contact with your son during conversations. This helps you to focus, and he will feel that he is a part of the conversation.

•Be interested and attentive. Your son will sense whether you are interested or not by the way you reply or not reply to her.

•Focus on “what” your son is saying and not “how” he is saying it. If he is upset, for example, she may be exhibiting body language that may be distracting.

•Listen patiently and avoid getting emotionally involved in the conversation. If you do so, you will tend to hear what you want to hear, as opposed to what is really being said. Your goal is to remain objective and open-minded during your discussions.


As-salamu `alaykum,

May you find the harmony and balance you need between yourself and your son in sha’Alah.

You have provided very little information about your situation for us to be of any assistance to you, so our response may not be of much help.

One can more than imagine how difficult it is to be responsible for a male teenager and to cater for his needs without his father being present in his life. I am sure your son was not always so difficult, so there must have been a time when you perceived your son as your son. If your sons behavior began to deteriorate after you and his father divorced, then, your sons worsening behavior is to be expected.

A Frustrated Boy Growing Up Might Feeling…

“Whenever I felt rejected by my friends, my mother tried to console me. But she just didn’t help. She was never a guy so nothing she could say could ever make me feel better. She’d say, “Oh, you don’t want to play with those bad boys anyway.” It would have been great if my father could have talked to me”

I Hate My Teenager Son - About Islam

This might make you feel, “Then what can I do?” You can do what many mothers who are totally responsible for raising teenagers do.

“Hatred and forgiveness involve the mind, the heart, and the will. Thus they involve our thinking, our feeling, and our deciding, however, it is important to realize that the essence, the very core of both love and hate, is in the heart of a person. Therefore, he can exercise his will for both love and hate are free decisions, not primarily emotions or ideas. In order to genuinely forgive, we must often first explore the defensive motives for the hatred, bitterness, or resentment. Otherwise, we will either refuse to forgive or offer a form of false forgiveness” Dr. Philip Mango.


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Being in ones mid-teens is not an easy period of life when hormones can go berserk and stability in one’s life is paramount as there is a correlation between the two. For a boy, the need to display some misguided notion of manhood is possible, which is not helped by the fact that he does not have his father in his life as a role model.

Regardless of what kind of person his father was/is, for a child, both girls and boys, the father’s presence matters. When the father leaves a child’s life, that child is likely to lay blame somewhere.

Sometimes that blame may be directed towards you as the one remaining, or your son might be blaming himself. For the remaining parent, there has to be double effort in ensuring that there is understanding of why the father is not present in the family anymore, why the father does not see fit to visit and spend time with their child (for he remains the father regardless of the change in relations between the mother and the son); and understanding of how he feels, what he is thinking, doing with his life at home, school and with his friends etc.

Your son was not born bad. He has good qualities and as a growing young man, he has feelings and changing perceptions of his reality. Also, like everyone else, he has bad qualities.

These bad qualities you might find objectionable, but if you refuse to understand him, to listen to him to share thoughts and feelings with him, then you are pushing him away. He needs you whether he realizes it or not, so the onus is on you as his parent and as the one more experienced in life, to be there for him, to listen to him, and to respect his emotions as a part of his growing up and his need to work on issues.

How Do You Listen to Him?

*I make assumptions about my teens feelings and thoughts

*I bring up past issues during current disagreements

*I interrupt my teenager’s conversation

*I respond to a complaint with a complaint

*I respond to my teen with phrases like, “That’s ridiculous.”

*How would you like to be listened to?

Try the Following:

*Maintain eye contact with your son during conversations. This helps you to focus, and he will feel that he is a part of the conversation.

*Be interested and attentive. Your son will sense whether you are interested or not by the way you reply or not reply to her.

*Focus on “what” your son is saying and not “how” he is saying it. If he is upset, for example, she may be exhibiting body language that may be distracting.

*Listen patiently and avoid getting emotionally involved in the conversation. If you do so, you will tend to hear what you want to hear, as opposed to what is really being said. Your goal is to remain objective and open-minded during your discussions.

*Avoid cutting your son off while she is speaking. This will show her that you respect her right to have an opinion, as well as to freely express it.

*Avoid distractions or trying to multitask during your conversations. This may be okay at work, however your son may perceive that you are not interested in what is going on for him.

By doing the above, your son will be more responsive to what is going on for you, and to listen to what you have to say.

The above may not address all your concerns, but it will go a long way to setting the necessary foundation to mend your relationship with your son and towards developing a more fruitful mother and son relationship that has the ability to evolve into a respectful friendship.

The children will take after the unjust attitude of the parents and behave the same way with others. With time this attitude will become a part of their natures.

The children who had been the victims of injustice from their parents will carry rancor for them in their minds It is possible they turn rebellious and disobedient.

The children who have received unjust treatment at the hands of their parents will have feelings of dejection and oppression that will get engraved in their minds.It is quite possible that later on they develop psychological disorders – Dr. Ibrahim Amini

If your ex-husband is present in the same country as you, try to make effort to involve him in his sons life. Whatever happened between the both of you, it is his right and his duty, to remain in the life of his son.

The father should be brave and face the questions of your son, so that your son may be released from any anger that may be a result of his fathers departure from his life. If this can not be done, I pray that you have some male relatives that can be a male mentor to him. And if this is not possible, a reputable Muslim youth association that provides the kind of mentoring that your son needs right now would be beneficial.

I pray that we have answered some of your undisclosed concerns in some way, never forget that Allah (SWT) is always near so make du`aa’ to Him daily to help you guide your son and to help your son to resolve any confusion that he might be experiencing.

Salam

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Read more:

My Teenager Makes My Life Miserable

Surviving My Teenager

How to Deal with Today’s Teenagers (Islamic Reflections)