I have recently returned to a more regular and sincere practice of my faith, al Hamdoulilah. We have discussed the subject of the education of our future children.
My wife insists on a free education. She wants our children to “choose” their religion once they are adults. However, we have agreed on some basic rules, such as halal meat. She is opposed to me teaching them Islam as the only truth and refuses certain rites such as circumcision or learning phrases of gratitude to Allah (Bismillah, etc.), fearing “indoctrination.”
She also refuses to tell our child that he will be Muslim, but does not oppose him choosing Islam later on, as the decision will be his once he is old enough to choose.
For my part, I feel a deep responsibility before Allah to give my children a consistent Islamic education from an early age. I fear that by accepting this imposed religious diversity, I will create confusion in their hearts and fail in my duty as a Muslim father.
How can I reconcile my religious duty to raise my children according to the principles of Islam with the need to preserve the balance of my mixed marriage?
Barak'Allahou fikoum for your help and clarification.
Answer
- You both want the best for your future child according to your own understandings of what best means.
- Invite her to step into your shoes and understand how this looks from your perspective and why you act the way you do. Looking at it deeper, insha Allah, both of you will realize that there are a lot of common values you share.
Assalamualaikum brother,
Thank you for your question. You explain a very interesting and important topic in your letter. You have been married to a Christian wife for two years, and you have recently returned to a more regular and sincere Islamic practice. This is how you would like to raise your future child as well. However, she insists on a free education. She wants your child to choose their religion once they are adults.
You were able to agree on some basic rules, such as halal meat. She is opposed to you teaching Islam as the only truth and refuses certain practices because for her it seems like indoctrination.
For your part, you feel a deep responsibility before Allah to give your future child a consistent Islamic education from an early age. You feel that if you accept this religious diversity, you will create confusion. Your question is how you can reconcile this duty.
Different worldviews, same goals
Brother, I think the solution can start by understanding that both of you are coming from a different yet very similar place. You both come from a place of love and want the best for your future child according to your own understandings of what best means.
In many Western societies, the dominant cultural narrative is centered on individual freedom and the right to choose one’s beliefs. This reflects a secular-liberal understanding of society. It is understandable why she says what she says, and, of course, she has the right to think this way.
However, what she may not acknowledge is that this is also a worldview. It is not a default position universally speaking. She was shaped by it in the society where she was raised.
Your worldview is spiritual. And hers is not.
Trying to see the good intentions
What you can try to do is help her understand that what seems like indoctrination from her point of view is guidance and protection from your point of view. What seems like free choice from her perspective, from your perspective is part of a destiny written by God. Also, that you both are on the common ground and seek the best for your children.
As a Muslim father, you will required to raise your child as a Muslim. In your worldview this is not optional, but a religious responsibility, where you have to try your best (free will) but you will accept Allah’s will (qadar).
It is true that you may not have been fully aware of this before marriage, or you may not have discussed it clearly. You can admit that you came to this realization later in life, but now it is important to you.
You have to help her understand that you want to fulfill your religious obligation as a father. It is not about suppressing another religion; it is about being truthful to your faith.
Different guidances
You can also explain to her that you believe in free will but also in destiny. It means that in the end, your future child’s religious path when he becomes an adult is not in your hands. Allah guides whom He wills. In this sense, there is no ultimate control in your hands or in hers. There is a greater element in this, and we simply try to do what we can. How things unfold is beyond us.
You can also try to help her understand what your religious practices mean. What does “Bismillah” mean? What does gratitude to the Creator mean? How do these practices help us create peace and awareness?
Secular people or Christians also follow guidance. For example. they read psychological advice, or, follow scientifically based recommendations, and seek direction in many areas of life based on inherited values, often originated from religious (Christian) teachings. It is not that they follow no guidance; they follow a different guidance. In the same way, you follow your religious guidance because you trust it is best for you.
Practice empathy
So basically it is about having different visions of what guidance means. Keep maintaining your respect for her stances, but invite her to step into your shoes and understand how this looks from your perspective and why you act the way you do. Looking at it deeper, insha Allah, both of you will realize that there are a lot of common values you share.
This may require you to learn more about Islam and deepen your knowledge. Perhaps this is what Allah wants from you, and maybe it will benefit you and your child in the future.
You can also talk about your fears: what is she afraid of? Is she maybe fears losing her child this way? Is there anything else? How would you respond to that?
Trust in Allah and ask for His guidance. Try to maintain an understanding tone, explain your point of view clearly, and look for common ground.
May Allah help you.