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How to Stop Getting Angry at My Child?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 04, 2019

Question

I am an adult child of divorce; my father raised me alone since I was 9. Recently my mother decided to get in touch with us, so I have been talking to her, she wants to go on and be all buddy like after not talking to us or calling us for some 13 odd years. She says she did not have the resources to raise us. I don't know exactly what caused their divorce, but it wasn't a healthy relationship, arguing, throwing things, bickering, fighting, they did it all.

Till she lived with us my mum was a good mum. Till my mum was with us my dad wasn't involved in being a father other than providing for us and playing with us in the park. He was always impatient and angry. In my father's care I was molested by one of his co-workers, I never told my father about it fearing his response. I am married now and have a baby too, I tend to lose patience very easily, I can become angry and yell. I always promised myself I wouldn't do it to my child. I have yelled at him, I don't want him to copy me. What should I do to cope with my anger issues?

Counselor

Answer


Stop getting angry

In this counseling answer:

•Recognition is the first step to stop getting angry.

•The important thing now, is trying to get to know your mom again and work out your feelings of abandonment and pain.

•Therapy would address your anger issues as they are most likely stemming from the trauma you experienced as a child, and could not resolve or get away from.

•Make duaa to Allah to guide you and grant mercy concerning this issue.

•Read Qur’an and do dhzkir for calmness and to reach a peaceful state of mind as well as practice relaxation and stress reduction techniques to reduce the anger and stress you feel.


As salamu alaykum dear brother,

I am sorry to hear about your turbulent childhood and all the pain you had to go through. While I cannot state why your mom stayed away so long, I can only hypothesize that possibly your father told her to, but I really don’t know. The important thing now, is trying to get to know your mom again and work out your feelings of abandonment and pain.

Brother based on your history of sexual abuse as a child, I would highly suggest that you seek out counseling in your area from a qualified therapist to work with on a regular basis. Often times adults who were abused as children grow up with unresolved issues, suffer from depression, PTSD, and other mental health symptoms. Trust is often a big issue as is low self esteem, and anger issues (unresolved).

A therapist can help you work through all these issues and perhaps also refer you to a support group for Adult Victims of Sexual Abuse. While I know this is not easy to hear, and I am so sorry this happened to you, I do know that the sooner it is addressed the quicker you can heal from your past trauma and go on with your life.

karim serageldin & naaila clay

As you stated you now have a son and you see the yelling behaviors and anger issues coming out in you now. According to ACOG (1) “Common life events, like death, birth, marriage, or divorce may trigger the return of symptoms for a childhood sexual abuse survivors”; and The Invisible Scar (2) notes that “An emotionally abused child who does not, as an adult, face the truth of their childhood is in great danger of repeating the cycle of emotional abuse with his or her own children”.


Check out this counseling video


Children living in a chronically dysfunctional household; children who have been sexually-physically abused have no voice usually. They often suppress and bury deep-all in their pain, fear, sadness, and anger inside of them. However, it has to be released eventually.

That’s where counseling and support groups come in. Professional intervention as a child would be the ultimate time. However now as you are an adult it would be most beneficial brother, not only for you but your child and family for a while. Based on your question, you have great insight brother. You already know that you are repeating some of the unhealthy behaviors you grew up with.

Recognition is the first step. I admire your courage. Please do think about it insha’Allah. Therapy would address your anger issues as they are most likely stemming from the trauma you experienced as a child, and could not resolve or get away from.

Make duaa to Allah to guide you and grant mercy concerning this issue. As we know Allah SWT is the greatest of healers. Read Qur’an and do dhzkir for calmness and to reach a peaceful state of mind as well as practice relaxation and stress reduction techniques (3) to reduce the anger and stress you feel.

Please do consult with a counselor brother, we wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

1-http://www.acog.org/Resources-And-Publications/Committee-Opinions/Committee-on-Health-Care-for-Underserved-Women/Adult-Manifestations-of-Childhood-Sexual-Abuse
2-https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/suggestions-for-adult-survivors/
3-http://www.webmd.com/balance/guide/blissing-out-10-relaxation-techniques-reduce-stress-spot

Salam

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About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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