Helpless In Front of My Mother’s Ego

05 September, 2020
Q As-salamu `alaykum, I want to know what are the responsibilities of parents in Islam (or in other words the rights of children). What is the Islamic opinion about the parents who do not fulfill their responsibilities?

I was not provided a home environment all my life, as my parents stayed mostly abroad and left us to stay with our uncle and grandmother. They did provide good food, shelter, and clothing but no real parent-daughter relationship.

I found backbiting, fighting between parents, and lack of understanding common in my family. It had a very negative effect on my personality. I looked for emotional support outside my “house”.

I finally got married (my choice). My husband is a religious and God-fearing man and we try to obtain guidance from our religion in every aspect of our lives. It has been six years, but my parents have not accepted my husband. His family is socially not compatible with my parent’s family.

My father wants to reconcile, but he is helpless in front of my mother’s ego. I have tried to ask their forgiveness always and try to be as nice to them as possible.

But recently I had an emotional breakdown and I told my mother that she needs to find the reasons for not building a good family life instead of blaming everything on me, making me feel guilty and throwing me out of the family circle for so long. She got very angry with me. I am extremely disturbed.

My question is: Am I to be blamed solely for this whole situation and to be treated like a sinner always by my parents? Is it wrong to speak out my heart and mind in front of my mother?

I have even got wrong advice from my mother in respect of obeying my husband, as she herself doesn’t follow the Islamic rules about these issues. Is it wrong to try to make her realize her mistakes somehow and convince her to move towards better?

Answer

In this counseling answer:

•I will kindly suggest you show your mother loving support.

•Please do focus on you and your husband, and your life together.

•Practice patience, kindness, love, and self-control so that you do not get angry and upset.

•Continue to show them respect, try to restrain your anger and hurt.


A-salaam alaikum sister,

Thank you for writing in to us.  I am sorry to hear about your situation with your family. Alhamdulillah, you grew up in a safe, comfortable home despite your parents not being there. Perhaps this was the best for you.

Only Allah knows. You are currently trying to reconcile with your parents, but your mom is making it difficult.

Differing Values

It seems that your parents have different Islamic values than you have. I would kindly suggest Insha’Allah that you accept this. You are unlikely to change your parent’s sister.

I will kindly suggest you make duua for them that Allah touches their hearts. As your father is trying to reach out that is a good thing. However, as he is trying to please your mother too, he is unable to take the lead and connect with you fully.

Continue Love, Support, Respect of Mother

Your mom has her own reasons, history, and issues as to why she is the way she is. I will kindly suggest you show her loving support. However, knowing that she does not have the same Islamic values that you do, I would not seek her advice.

If she says or does things that are against Islamic values, try not to be upset as you already know this about her. Just continue to be the loving, warm, patient person Allah created.

Helpless In Front of My Mother's Ego - About Islam

Refocusing

Sister, you are married to a wonderful man and you appear to be very happy. Alhamdulillah. Please do focus on you and your husband, and your life together.

I know you desire to reconcile with your parents and would like if they accepted your husband. However, their values and expectations lie elsewhere. They do love you sister; they just have issues-as most humans. The solution is turning to Allah.

Read Also: Do You Have Abusive Parents? Here Are 4 Things You Can Do

Desire to be Accepted  by Parents

Insha’Allah, Allah will make a way for you and your family to be strengthened and to be cordial to one another and eventually close. It is sad that your mom and perhaps your father do not accept your husband.

However, as long as he Islamically correct for you, and you are happy, then that is all that matters. It is nice to have parents’ blessings when one is married. But it is not required.

Sister, you speak of asking your parents for forgiveness. Though I am not sure what you desire to be forgiven for? You have not described anything that you have done wrong, but If you are referring to getting upset with your mother, yes, that is haram. However, if you have apologized and repented to Allah, that should suffice sister.

Better Muslim

We are all human. We all make mistakes. Our goal is to become better Muslims by realizing our mistakes, apologizing to who we offended, repenting to Allah, and moving on. It is up to the person whether or not they are going to hang on to whatever has happened.

However, regarding you- as you have apologized and repented you are free to move on. There’s nothing more for you to do or say or think about, regarding it.

Thoughts for Future Interactions

In the future, I will kindly suggest insha’Allah that if being around your parents is likely to upset you and set you off that you either avoid situations that may get you upset.

Or practice patience, kindness, love, and self-control so that you do not get angry and upset. Say things you don’t mean, or say things that are hurtful. When we lash out in anger, it’s usually because we are the ones who are hurt.


Check out this counseling video


Overcoming Hurt and Anger

I understand that the situation is hurtful for you. However, you were raised in a loving safe secure home.

You had the things that you needed growing up, and you did meet and marry a wonderful husband. Nothing is perfect in life, and in your situation, there is a drama with your parents.

Please do continue to show them respect, try to restrain your anger and hurt. You may want to analyze why you are angry and hurt and try to resolve it so that you may continue to show patience, love, and mercy, as Allah would want you to.

Some things you will not be able to fix or change sister, and that is okay, give it to Allah and focus on you and your husband and other nice things in your life.

We wish you the best.

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.