My Husband Had an Affair and Got a Child, What to Do?

03 September, 2020
Q My husband had an affair that I tried to keep quiet for the sake of my children, but they too found out that their father ended up having a child with this woman, and they are not married.

This shattered me. I asked him to leave but he said this is where he wants to be. They had the child and my husband sees him and supports him financially and has started to bring him home to our children. I have no hatred towards that child, but I do have towards her and my husband.

I’m so confused and don’t know what to do. My family has no idea what I’m going through. My father passed away 25 days after this child came to the world.

I’m broken and sad. I read salah but I feel I’m stupid for staying.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

You are not stupid for staying. Your decision to stay seems to have been for the sake of the children and that doesn’t make you stupid.

You might seek counsel together with your husband to get advice on the matter from as Islamic perspective from your local imam. 

I would strongly suggest getting as much support as possible, both from those closest to you who will be able to support you both practically and emotionally.

Get a formal counseling to give you the space to express your feelings openly and honestly in a non-judgmental environment away from people who know you well.


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,  

You have every right to feel broken given your current circumstances. To find out your husband, the man your trusted, has been having an affair, is one of the ultimate betrayals in a marriage. 

The fact that you have children together adds an extra burden as you have to try and stay strong for their sake too so as not to let the situation impact these innocent lives. Furthermore, the added complication is that he has had a child with this woman.

This is a heart wrenching position for any married person to be in. Then to add the loss of your father must have thrown you into the darkest place. May Allah make things easy for you.  

You are not stupid for staying. Your decision to stay seems to have been for the sake of the children and that doesn’t make you stupid.

You are in the midst of such a difficult situation and are probably feeling torn in what to do and in these early stages it is very confusing to know what is best to do. You must always keep in mind here that it is not you who did wrong.

You are not the one who committed the sin and so are not to blame. Your husband will be accountable for this, not you. 

Alhamdulilah, despite it all, you have not given up and have continued to maintain your salah. This is what is best for you and will be what will keep you strong during this difficult time.  

My Husband Had an Affair and Got a Child, What to Do? - About Islam

You could have acted on impulse and just walked away and maybe this would have worked out for the best, but there would have been consequences to deal with, particularly with regards to keeping things stable for your children and that is not easy in the midst of such a crisis.  

This is not to say that walking away is not the best choice, because given the circumstances you have strong grounds to do just this and would be absolutely justified in doing so. Despite the crisis, you have kept your cool and this places you in a good position to make a rational choice moving forward.  

Right now, you should take advantage of the fact that you have maintained this level of cool in taking your next step.

 In this case, you might seek counsel together with your husband to get advice on the matter from as Islamic perspective from your local imam. 

If you are sure that you cannot make things work with your husband, having an imam present he will be able to advise you both on the steps you both need to take that takes care of the rights of all involved. 


Check out this counseling video

If you all adhere to the rules according to Islam then a very difficult situation will be made a lot more comfortable knowing that you are sticking to the laws as prescribed by Allah. 

It may be that this means giving things more time, or it may be that the best route for all is to separate.  

Either way, I would strongly suggest getting as much support as possible, both from those closest to you who will be able to support you both practically and emotionally, as well as more formal counseling.

This counseling is to give you the space to express your feelings openly and honestly in a non-judgemental environment away from people who know you well that you may not feel comfortable to discuss such matters. 

This is certainly a time where it is very important to take care of yourself regardless of what the future holds for you and your family here on in. 

Conclusion

Seeking this support will help you emotionally and practically, but also make sure to give yourself the love and care you need right now. 

Make sure to take time to do things you enjoy each day, eat well, get a bit of exercise and try to get sufficient sleep.  

May Allah guide you to make the decision that is best for you all. May He bring you comfort during this difficult time and protect you and your children from further hardship.

May He grant your father the highest place in Jannah.  

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)