I write on behalf of my sister, she has two boys aged 17 and 13, and a girl aged 10.
Lately, she has been complaining about the middle son, he is always depressed and throwing tantrums, and gets bullied a lot by the elder brother.
Since the father is not very affectionate, she as a mother has to step in to comfort him as he is a very sensitive boy but very loving.
What can you advise for her? She fears the boy will grow to resent the father. He gets into trouble at school as well.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•As the father is not very affectionate or involved, ask your sister to take the children for counseling.
•Your sister may wish to engage both boys in an Islamic class for boys at the Masjid which will address various adolescent issues as well as teach them adab.
•Your oldest nephew should also be made aware that he is too old to be bullying his 10-year-old brother. He needs to grow up.
•Please do advise her of the effects of bullying, suggest an Islamic group for the boys, encourage her to set rules and disciple for the older son as well as get the boys into counseling.
As salamu alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing to us. I am sad to hear that your nephew is being bullied by his older brother.
Effects of Bullying
Bullying is a serious problem and can have devastating affects on a child, even long-term ones lasting into adulthood.
I can understand how worried you and your sister must be, especially as her 10-year-old is already depressed and throwing tantrums.
StopBullying.gov states “When adults respond quickly and consistently to bullying behavior they send the message that it is not acceptable..”
Research shows this can stop bullying behavior over time. Parents, school staff, and other adults in the community can help kids prevent bullying by talking about it.
“Or building a safe school environment, and creating a community-wide bullying prevention strategy.”Sister, please do speak with her about the effects of bullying.
While this is rather specific to a school setting, it is applicable as well to a home environment.
The faster this bullying issue is addressed, the less damage there will be. The real issue dear sister is not that the child will resent the father when he grows older, but that he is being bullied.
Counseling for Children
As the father is not very affectionate or involved with the resolution of this, ask your sister to take the children for counseling.
I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah she chose a therapist who is family-oriented and familiar with the dynamics of bullying.
Check out this counseling video
It is likely that your nephew is acting out at school due to the painful situation at home.
Your sister may wish to engage both boys in an Islamic class for boys at the Masjid which will address various adolescent issues as well as teach them adab.
Insha’allah the boys we learn to be protective and loving of each other rather than seek to harm one another (the older one).
Your oldest nephew should also be made aware that he is too old to be bullying his 10-year-old brother.
Taking action
He needs to grow up. You may get him aware that he will soon be of legal age and may be held legally accountable should the school or other entities find out.
Your nephew is already depressed and “throwing tantrums” which may be indicative of the hurt and shame he feels by being bullied. His mother should not permit the bullying to continue.
Your sister is doing the best she knows at this point.
Ideally the father needs to step in and put the older one in check, but sadly this is not happening.
Please do advise her of the effects of bullying, suggest an Islamic group for the boys, encourage her to set rules and disciple for the older son as well as get the boys into counseling.
Insha’Allah sister the situation will improve with these measures or a combination of all four.
We wish your sister and her family the best, please let us know how they are doing.
Salam,
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