My Mom Disapproves The Way I Raise Up My kids

05 March, 2021
Q My mother doesn't agree with the way I raise my kids. How do I approach this with her?

Answer

In this counseling answer:

•Tell her you love her and that you do want to hear her concerns so you both can work out a mutually agreeable relationship for the sake of the children and family as a whole.

•Explain to your mom that you are confident that she raised a competent, wonderful daughter and now as a mother you feel you are raising your children the right way.


As salamu alayum,

Often times there are disagreements from our parents in the way we raise our children. This often happens due to several reasons.

Some include a true concern on the part of the parent, wanting to be more involved in the raising of the grandchildren; feelings of being left out and not feeling as if they are a significant part of the family life, or a need to control.

While it is not clear if you have a close relationship with your mother, or what her issues are with the way you raise your children.

I would kindly suggest sitting down with her when things are calm perhaps over tea or coffee and asking her what are some of her concerns and why.

If you chose to discuss this with her, I would kindly suggest that you start off by telling her you love her and that you do want to hear her concerns so you both can work out a mutually agreeable relationship for the sake of the children and family as a whole.

In addition, I would try not to come across as defensive or accusatory, but let it be a time wherein she can talk about her issues with how you raise your children and why.

You may find out that due to faulty communication or misperceived observations that her conclusions are inaccurate.

If so, this would open up a door of communication to give examples of how you are raising them ( the specific issue being addressed) and how not only is it beneficial for your children, but try also to relate it to a way you were raised when you were growing up.

For instance, if your mom has issues with how you take too much time reading to them instead of putting them right to bed, you might want to illustrate that the times when you were read bedtime stories as a child were some of the most memorable times that you cherished.

My Mom Disapproves The Way I Raise Up My kids- About Islam

If possible, if you can tie in her issues with a positive from your childhood, she may recall these times and develop a better understanding.

Assure your mother that she is needed and loved within the family circle and that she holds a very important and special position.

Also remind her, however, that she did a wonderful job raising you and that is why you have the skills, love and nurturing compassion you do today as a mother.

By aligning her issues with the way you raise your children, to the positive way you were raised will insha’Allah help remind her that she did a good job as a mother.

If your mom is resistant to communication and working on these issues, you may want to remind her that you and the children love her very much, but as the children’s mom, you are raising them the way you feel is best but that her kindly, loving suggestions are welcomed if not brought in an overbearing mode.

Kindly explain to your mom that you are confident that she raised a competent, wonderful daughter and now as a mother you feel you are raising your children the right way.

You can also set limits as to what you will tolerate and will not tolerate. For instance, if she yells at you or the children about these issues, you have the right to tell her that yelling in your home is not permitted as it is unhealthy and destructive.

If you are in her home, you have the option to leave. If she gets argumentative concerning the children, you can choose to disengage.

When you refuse to argue, the one who desires to argue will soon be left arguing with themselves and thus the behavior will insha’Allah decrease.


Check out this counseling video


If you set boundaries sister, for appropriate and inappropriate interactions with your mom and be consistent, insha’Allah over time she will begin to realize that she is not in control over your style of parenting, you are.

In addition, Islamically the rights of the parents over the children are more than the rights a grandparent has over them.

Allah SWT trusted them to you and your husband, therefore you and your husband will be accountable to Allah for how you raise them, not your mother.

Insha’Allah show your mom respect at all times, but make your love-and boundaries clear.

In time insha’Allah, she will adapt, feel needed as part of the family and her concerns insha’Allah will dissipate with patience. We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

Salam

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 

Read more:

I Wish I Had Cared More for My Sick Grandma

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.