Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Teach him positive behavior by avoiding the negative ones such as dishonesty, sarcasm, hurtful teasing, verbal abuse, humiliation, etc.
•Give him positive attention by spending time doing things together, reading to him, chatting about anything including every day’s events, genuinely listening to him, cuddling him, or going for a walk are all good ways to give attention.
•Set reasonable limits that offers realistic guidelines for children and helps them feel secure.
Stick to them and be consistent. If you don’t stick to your limits, you will only confuse him and he may misbehave more. A key to disciplining a 2 and a half-year-old is to apply routines and avoid giving the child too many choices.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum,
Behavior changes in a toddler can be completely challenging; one day a nice, cute creature who urges you to hug and kiss all the time, and the next day they are completely naughty and inappropriate. Understanding these behavioral changes can be difficult and confusing but crucial.
In the long, “nice” road of raising children, you should know that there is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to raising all children, yet Allah (SWT) gave us a “good working” leads, milestones, developmental stages that act as a guide for us to deal with our children. Therefore, we have to balance between these two facts: every child is unique and grows at his own pace, and parents are the true experts on their children, yet the Ages and Stages Approach in raising children also works, where discipline is based on normal changes in your child’s growth and behavior i.e. in predictable patterns:
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Let’s learn a bit about the general characteristics of your son’s age (2- 2 ½ years old):
-Likes to imitate parents’ actions
-Very possessive and has difficulty in sharing
-Uses the words “me” and “mine”
-Enjoys saying “no” as a way of showing independence
-A good imitator and a professional actor
-Wants everything right now and can’t wait
-May get so angry out of a sudden up to temper tantrums
-Acts shy around strangers
-Refers to self by name
-Enjoys looking at picture books, doing things alone, exploring every things (thus needs constant supervision)
-Crave attention
-Enjoys simple pretend play like wearing hats and talking on phone
-Generally unable to remember rules
-Often gets physically aggressive when frustrated – slaps, hits, bites
-Shows affection by returning a hug or kiss
-May become attached to a toy or blanket
There is nothing you have described about your son’s behavior that would suggest that he is abnormal in any way, it can just be:
- Another stage in your toddler’s growth and development. He might be feeling more and more independent, and therefore will challenge boundaries more and more each day.
- Frustrations, which are so easy to happen at this age. His desire to learn and to know and to do things can often outpace his physical ability to accomplish his goals, so by acting naughty, your son might be expressing frustration at his own limitations.
- The need for attention can sometimes be behind a toddler’s behavior even in a negative manners (screaming, hitting…). For example, he might feel that he is getting less attention, and might become frustrated that he is no longer the center of your universe.
Stairway to an effective discipline
Discipline is an ongoing process of guiding children in ways that supports their development of self-control, respect, politeness, manners, or in Arabic the akhlaq. It focuses on the child’s behavior rather than on the act or behavior. It compromises the way you talk to him, treat him, teach him and even play with him.
Teach him positive behavior by avoiding the negative ones such as dishonesty, sarcasm, hurtful teasing, verbal abuse, humiliation, etc. Give him positive attention by spending time doing things together, reading to him, chatting about anything including every day’s events, genuinely listening to him, cuddling him, or going for a walk are all good ways to give attention.
Set reasonable limits that offers realistic guidelines for children and helps them feel secure.
Stick to them and be consistent. If you don’t stick to your limits, you will only confuse him and he may misbehave more. A key to disciplining a 2 and a half-year-old is to apply routines and avoid giving the child too many choices.
Use consequences. Allowing the child to learn from experience can be very effective as it teaches the child responsibility, consequences of choices and decision making. Parents can tell children ahead of time what the consequences of exceeding limits will be. Consequences can be natural or logical. Natural consequences let children learn the natural order of the world. For example, “If you don’t eat, you will be hungry.” Logical consequences are consequences that are arranged by the parents. For example, “If you don’t stop screaming, I will not take you out/ if you threw you juice on the ground, you won’t get another one…”
Discipline is something, oppression is another. For example, asking him to sit property is discipline, while asking him to sit on a chair for two hours while you finish your work is oppression. Oppression brings up the worst kind of people.
Don’t fight over unimportant issues; believing you must “win” every battle is wrong and it is important to “pick your battles.”
Don’t ever disagree with your spouse in front of him. Solve serious disagreements in private.
Take corrective action as soon as possible, if you postpone implementation, it may confuse the child as he will be less likely to make the right connections of behavior with corrective action.
Stay calm so that the child does not connect the behavior to how much you love him or her.
Take advantage of child’s rituals, especially at bedtimes, to teach him through storytelling, songs, anasheed or calmly chat with him. Always end the day in a good way whatever happened through the day.
Be a role model as discipline is best taught by example.
Try these simple things and in sha`Allah it will work, as from the way you posted you question, it doesn’t seem that he has Attention Deficit Disorder or that he has a problem with full Temper tantrum.
As for your question about toilet training, there are different opinions about the best age to start potty training. Mothers in the Arab world used to train their children very early, even before their first birthday, and recently there are some voices in the West calling for the same thing which is better, especially for boys so as to reduce the heat around the pelvis. However, others see that after the age of two is a better time to start so that the child can comprehend the instructions you are giving.
To cut a long story short, it depends on the mother’s availability and the readiness of the child in his physiological development (bladder and bowel control), motor skills, his cognitive and verbal development and emotional & social awareness. Most parents, who begin toilet training their children at about the age of two years, would get good results by the age of four years, so we are not so far from that age.