Will My Mother’s Soul Haunt Me If I Get Married Now?

13 October, 2019
Q Salam aleykum. Few months ago my mother passed away (may Allah grant her jannah). Shortly before that, I met a muslim guy who is practicing and chaste. We decided to get married before shaytan comes into our relationship and recently had our engagement and wanted to get married as soon as possible, so we don’t fall into shaytaan’s traps. However, the circumstances were that we couldn’t get married yet. And all the relatives keep telling me to wait till the year passes after the passing away of my mother. They say it will be an embarrassment and my mom’s soul won’t be in peace. However, I know that there’s no such thing in Islam. I’m sure the young people are encouraged to get married as soon as they can. We’re starting to get temptations now. We see each other because its very hard not to. Now we finally got a chance to get married but I’m really confused and feel blame now. How can I at a time like this think about marriage?... It’s Ramadhan soon and if I get married I will leave my brother and dad alone. Who will cook sohoor and iftaar for them? Also if I wait until summer maybe the relatives will calm down. However I really don’t want for my relationship to turn haraam. It is going there. Our feelings are too strong and we at least have to see each other just to talk. What should I do? Wait, as everyone says, or not delay the wedding? I do want to get married and protect my and his chastity. But I will feel like a terrible daughter if I get married after my mom passed away and leave my dad now... I’m really confused..

Answer

Short Answer: Islamically speaking, the mourning period is only a few days, but there are allowances for cultural practices, as long as they don’t go against Islam. What this means is if delaying your wedding will cause you to fall into sin, it is absolutely more important for you to get married than to obey cultural rules. You will not, insha’Allah, disturb your mother’s soul and it does not make you a bad daughter. As for your brother and father – they are perfectly capable of figuring out how to cook for themselves. Even if you did delay your marriage and stay this Ramadhan with them, next year you would be with your husband and they would be alone. If they don’t know how to cook, write some simple instructions or show them how. It is Islamically proper for men to know how to take care of themselves.

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Salaam alaykum, sister. Thank you for your question, I imagine this is something a lot of people struggle with.

Alhamdulillah, congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I am truly happy that you were able to find a good man for you and I wish you a blessed, loving marriage, insha’Allah.

I am also so happy to see that a young Muslim woman is open to talking about sexual urges that she is feeling. It is so important for us to normalize these discussions, as there are some myths out there (perpetuated by Muslim scholars, even) that Muslim women do not feel sexual desire before marriage. This is, obviously, ridiculous. Sexual urges are normal and healthy – even outside of marriage! It is only acting upon them outside of marriage which is haraam. So again, thank you for being willing to discuss this, I genuinely appreciate your openness.

That is, of course, where it can get tricky – not acting on your urges until marriage. However, you are absolutely in the right that there is no reason for you to delay your marriage. While it would be in poor taste to get married immediately after your mother’s death, it is totally unnecessary to wait a full year. My husband is from Iraq and there was a death in the family shortly before his brother’s wedding. They delayed the wedding by about a month, which seems reasonable.

Mourning Period

Islamically speaking, the mourning period is only a few days, but there are allowances for cultural practices, as long as they don’t go against Islam. What this means is if delaying your wedding will cause you to fall into sin, it is absolutely more important for you to get married than to obey cultural rules.

Please know that there is no reason for you to feel shame for wanting to get married soon. Of course your mother passing must be terribly sad, but death is an inevitable part of life. It would be un-Islamic to bring life to a screeching halt because of death. The Prophet Muhammad (saw) encouraged a healthy attitude towards death. It is okay and expected to feel sad (maybe even angry) when someone close to you dies, but you cannot stop living.

I do encourage you, sister, not to delay your wedding. You will not, insha’Allah, disturb your mother’s soul and it does not make you a bad daughter. As you said, you don’t want your relationship to turn haraam.

As for your brother and father – they are perfectly capable of figuring out how to cook for themselves. Even if you did delay your marriage and stay this Ramadhan with them, next year you would be with your husband and they would be alone. If they don’t know how to cook, write some simple instructions or show them how. It is Islamically proper for men to know how to take care of themselves.

I hope this helps, sister. Thank you for submitting your question and I wish you all the best in your marriage, insha’Allah.

(From Ask About Islam archives)

Please continue feeding your curiosity, and find more info in the following links:

How to Pray Istikhara for Marriage?

Falling in Love When Young: Allowed?

How to Make Istikhara for Marriage?

About Leah Mallery
Leah is a Muslim convert of almost a decade. She has two kids, an intercultural marriage, and half of a French degree in her back pocket, looking to switch gears to science and medicine. She has lived abroad for over a decade, having just recently become reacquainted with her roots in America. She currently lives in Michigan near her family and – masha’Allah – a sizeable Muslim community.