Answer
Short Answer:
- Do not make your husband’s return to you a condition for your repentance. You should start your new life either with or without your husband. I have this feeling that when you succeed in making that big change in your life, he will be back for the sake of your baby.
- Take this chance of your loneliness to collect your thoughts, pull yourself together then make plans for the future.
- The last thing I’d like to mention is that you don’t have to lose hope regarding your first two sons as long as you are doing your best with them.
- If you have any problems concerning their behavior, please contact us and we can help you.
- God will never waste your efforts with them, even if He delays it for a while.
………….
Assalamu Alaykum Dear Sister,
Thank you for your question and for contacting Ask About Islam.
I understand how painful it feels like when one wrongs Allah, but in your situation the pain is double; you wronged Allah and you wronged your husband. We are all exposed to tests from Allah that vary in their intensity and vary in the way each one of us reacts towards them.
Your test seems to have been a difficult one as it was a test in your faith. The Prophet (peace be upon him) always stressed the fact that iman (faith) increases and decreases, and it is our responsibility with our entire free will to deal with the situation and fight for the restoration of our faith.
It is a continuous struggle for Allah has destined man to fight, both Satan and the desires of oneself. This struggle is not an easy one, on the contrary, it is considered to be a respected level of jihad. Notice the term jihad-al-nafs, which is derived in the Arabic language from the same term used for jihad.
This refers to the risking of one’s very life. This shows the magnitude of the tests, we are exposed to from Allah, to distinguish who deserves His mercy and who does not.
People’s success in such tests depends upon the strength of their faith, in facing it. Thus apparently this test came to you at a time when you were not very well prepared to it, so it allowed Satan to win his battle. But you have to understand – as we all should – that this will not be the last battle in the course of your self- jihad.
This implies that you should not waste your time moaning about things you did in the past and weakening your strength by lamenting over them.
Of course, I don’t mean at all that one should not be sorry for what he has erred. Actually, sorrow and regret are the first conditions that Allah asks for to accept our tawbah (repentance). Still, overdoing it may lead us to a worse sin, which is despairing of Allah’s mercy. It is tragic, of course, to commit major sins but it is more tragic to lose hope in Allah’s mercy to the extent of thinking of committing suicide.
You have a double agony here. Concerning the wrongs you’ve committed against Allah, I refer you to a wonderful answer by Sheikh Yusuf Estes. I recommend you read it and I think it will bring relief to your heart:
I rolled down the slope of morality.
As for the sin you committed against your husband, it is really problematic because it touches a very sensitive side in him, which is his dignity as a man. It is not at all easy to ask his forgiveness now. Maybe you should leave it to time, for “time is the best healer.”
What is really important is that you should not make your husband’s return to you a condition for your repentance. You should start your new life either with or without your husband. I have this feeling that when you succeed in making that big change in your life, he will be back for the sake of your baby.
Take this chance of your loneliness to collect your thoughts, pull yourself together then make plans for the future. Don’t look at the past; look ahead, because lots of responsibilities are waiting for you. Thus, you really have to make yourself strong enough so that you don’t fall in the trap of Satan and fail in your tests ever again.
We all think that this inherent faith in us is an adequate weapon in our battle with Satan. Still, this is not always true. Knowledge is really an essential way to understand the nature of our enemy and how to combat it. Therefore, instead of lamenting, go and start your journey of seeking knowledge at home and at the masjid.
Don’t forget that the circle of our sisters around us is the strongest fence that protects us against Satan. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
“The Wolf doesn’t eat except the lonely sheep,” (Abu Dawud)
But it never eats the one in the herd. So keep yourself in the company of your sisters, believe me, this is the best way we all know to send the Devil away.
The last thing I’d like to mention is that you don’t have to lose hope regarding your first two sons as long as you are doing your best with them. If you have any problems concerning their behavior, please contact us and we can help you. God will never waste your efforts with them, even if He delays it for a while. May Allah ease this hard time for you as He said:
{Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.}
Surah 94 Verse 6
And always remember that: “the darkest hour of the day is that before dawn.”
May your dawn show up soon! Thank you.
Sister Dalia Salaheldin, Ask About Islam Consultant, adds:
Dear Sister,
Concerning your grave loss of your husband, I agree with sister Amani, that nothing will resolve that but time. Still, I’d rather say: give it some time, not leave it to time. By this, I mean that yes, amending this grave mistake will never happen in a day or night. That is if it ever happens sister! Still, I think that regaining your husband is really worth some effort from your side.
Therefore, I simply advise you to use the time. During your time of solitude with God, work on your plan of getting him back by pleading and asking Allah to give you a second chance. God is the Most Merciful, and He is the One Who puts mercy in our hearts.
He is the Only One Who can make your husband forgive you. Believe me sister; if regaining your husband is what’s really best for you, Allah will make your prayers come true. Allah always knows best.
Then, make your final move in this plan after you’ve had your time of solitude. I wish that then you would have become much stronger and in more control of your life, as sister Amani has said.
Then, go to your husband. Ask him for forgiveness. Do not feel disgraced or embarrassed. After all, you really owe him this. Also remember, that by repentance you are really seeking Heaven. Well, your husband is a good chance for that. Isn’t he, your heaven or your hell?
And Allah knows best.
I hope this helps.
Salam and please keep in touch.
(From Ask About Islam archives)
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