Answer
Salam Dear Sister,
Thank you so much for approaching us and sending your question. We pray that Allah Almighty guides you to what’s good and pure in this life and the next.
We are sorry you feel hurt. We would like to remind you of what our noble Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
“How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good, and this applies to no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him.” [Sahih Muslim]
May Allah bestow patience upon you and teach you precious life lessons through this situation. Ameen.
Now, we understand the intensity of your emotions at the moment. But in order for us to be completely fair, we have to mention a few points:
1- We do not know the whole picture. For example, we don’t know the real reasons why your parents are rejecting the proposal. We only know the information you’ve provided us with, so we’re going to comment only on that… but Allah knows best the real situation and the best paths to choose.
2- For the sake of fairness and enjoining what is right and forbidding what is wrong, we have to mention that it was not quite right to start growing strong feelings of attachment for someone before adequate marriage steps have been taken. It is mentioned that the brother is a hafiz of the Quran. Hafiz means someone who observes and guards the limits of Allah. So, observing and guarding the limits of Allah (SWT) would entail not communicating with a sister without her mahram long enough that she becomes completely dependent on him.
Again, we don’t know what exactly happened. We assume the best of both of you. We ask Allah (SWT) to grant you what’s best and pure for you and unite you if this is what in fact carries goodness for you. But one also has to be fair and acknowledge mistakes if and when they happen.
2- You mentioned that you have been talking for a while. Then you mentioned that you feel like dying because of the possibility of not marrying this person. The issue here is how can someone determine that he/she can’t live without someone that they’ve only known for a while? Does this mean we didn’t have a purpose in life before him? We don’t have a purpose in life after him or without him? He is the only reason for existence?
The bigger issue to deal with here is: What is your purpose in life? Is marriage the only purpose in life? Aren’t we here to worship, learn, know, love and bond with Allah (SWT)? Why give up the purpose in life because of one situation we encountered in our life journey?
Remember that we are here in this world as a test. We are all being tested. Allah (SWT) says:
“[He] who created death and life to test you [as to] which of you is best in deed – and He is the Exalted in Might, the Forgiving” (Quran 67:2)
So, everything we face tests us and tests our faith in Allah (SWT). You know when you are given the exam sheet, and then you find one difficult question, so you decide to give up on the entire exam and stop answering the rest of the questions that you might have actually answered well?
This might be our situation here! Allah (SWT) sends one test our way, it is one question in the greater life test, and we end up feeling like dying and giving up entirely.
We understand and respect your precious emotions. We just want to put matters in perspective. Remember Allah (SWT) says:
“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (Quran 2: 216)
So, insha’Allah be patient and don’t give up.
“[…] and despair not of relief from Allah. Indeed, no one despairs of relief from Allah except the disbelieving people.” (Quran 12: 87)
Now, what to do in this situation:
1- First and foremost, perform the prayer and dua of Istikhara. We do not know the future or the unseen, we might think something or someone is good for us using our limited knowledge, but Allah (SWT) is the Only One who has infinite knowledge and He knows what we don’t know and He knows what the future carries.
So that’s why we must seek Him to guide us to whatever will carry goodness for us in our future, our deen and our afterlife.
How to perform this prayer and dua?
Jabir (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) used to teach us the Istikharah (seeking guidance from Allah) in all matters as he would teach us a Surah of the Quran. He used to say:
“When one of you contemplates entering upon an enterprise, let him perform two Rak’ah of optional prayer other than Fard prayers and then supplicate:
“Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi ‘ilmika, wa astaqdiruka bi qudratika, wa as-‘aluka min fadlikal-‘azim. Fainnaka taqdiru wa la aqdiru, wa ta’lamu wa la a’lamu, wa Anta ‘allamul- ghuyub. Allahumma in kunta ta’lamu anna hadhal-‘amra (and name what you want to do) khairun li fi dini wa ma’ashi wa ‘aqibati amri, (or he said) ‘ajili amri ajilihi, faqdurhu li wa yassirhu li, thumma barik li fihi. Wa in kunta ta’lamu anna hadhal ‘amra (and name what you want to do) sharrun li fi dini wa ma’ashi wa ‘aqibati amri, (or he said) wa ‘ajili amri wa ajilihi, fasrifhu ‘anni, wasrifni ‘anhu, waqdur liyal- khaira haithu kana, thumma ardini bihi.”
O Allah, I consult You through Your Knowledge, and I seek strength through Your Power, and ask of Your Great Bounty; for You are Capable whereas I am not and, You know and I do not, and You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allah, if You know that this matter (and name it) is good for me in respect of my Deen, my livelihood and the consequences of my affairs, (or he said), the sooner or the later of my affairs then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. But if You know this matter (and name it) to be bad for my Deen, my livelihood or the consequences of my affairs, (or he said) the sooner or the later of my affairs then turn it away from me, and turn me away from it, and grant me power to do good whatever it may be, and cause me to be contented with it). And let the supplicant specify the object.” [Al-Bukhari]
2- Please continue to read the Quran with contemplation and remember Allah (SWT) a lot through adhkar and dua.
“Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” (Quran 13: 28)
3- Try to attend religious gatherings or be in the company of righteous friends and scholars. This increases one’s iman and helps one deal with life’s difficulties in the best of manners.
4- Try to read more about marriage and its purpose. Marriage is meant to get the partners closer to Allah (SWT), as He said:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought” (Quran 30: 21)
So, if it is something that is meant to be a sign of Allah that gets us closer to Him, we shouldn’t approach it with acts of disobedience.
5- Try to speak to your parents again to understand the reasons why they are refusing. If you can’t, maybe find an older trustworthy relative to do so, or a sheikh who is known and trusted by your parents.
Finally, remember the message of the following hadith.
Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) said:
“One day, I was riding behind the Prophet (peace be upon him) when he said, “O boy! I will instruct you in some matters. Be watchful of Allah (Commandments of Allah), He will preserve you. Safeguard His Rights, He will be ever with you. If you beg, beg of Him Alone; and if you need assistance, supplicate to Allah Alone for help.
And remember that if all the people gather to benefit you, they will not be able to benefit you except that which Allah had foreordained (for you); and if all of them gather to do harm to you, they will not be able to afflict you with anything other than that which Allah had pre-destined against you. The pens had been lifted and the ink had dried up“. [At- Tirmidhi].
May Allah grant you wisdom and light, may He grant you relief and guide you to what truly benefits you in your life, your deen and the outcome of all your matters. Ameen
Please let us know if there is anything else we can help you with.
And Allah knows best.
I hope this helps.
Salam and please keep in touch.
(From Ask About Islam archives)
Please continue feeding your curiosity, and find more info in the following links:
The Importance of Mutual Consultation in Marital Life (Watch)