Short Answer: Misunderstandings can occur between a man and his wife-to-be, the longer they delay living together after the wedding contract. This can cause impatience because of the rising conflict between their individual prior commitments (studies, job, social life etc.) and their growing desire to commence married life with each other. Maybe her fiancé is avoiding her in order to avoid those feelings from distracting him while he tries to build a life for them. Whatever his reasoning, their parents need to sit down and get to the bottom of things, being completely honest.
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There can be several reasons why this girl’s fiancé has curtailed contact with her, despite the fact that he was the one to initiate communication between them, by giving her a cell phone.
In order to better understand the issue of communication after nikah (wedding contract) and before the rukhsati (viz. the public declaration in Pakistani culture of the official start of conjugal cohabitation of a husband and wife), one needs to analyze the do’s and don’t’s associated with this phase.
The Long-Term Challenges of Nikah Without Cohabitation
In Pakistan, the financial stability of a husband-to-be is considered the prime prerequisite, before his fianceé is allowed by her parents to start living with him.
In cases where a good proposal comes along, but the husband-to-be needs time to “settle down” before he becomes capable of financially supporting his wife-to-be, both sets of parents often agree to convene the nikah in order to not let the proposal slip away.
This also happens if the girl is still studying, and the parents want her to finish off her studies first, before starting married life.
Yet, long engagements can and do lead to problems if cohabitation after the wedding contract is delayed too long.
Older and wiser married couples always tend to advise youngsters against entering long-term engagements.
They warn against delaying cohabitation too much after the engagement or nikah has been finalized. There are valid reasons behind this advice.
The wisdom behind it has to do with the misunderstandings that can occur between a man and his wife-to-be, the longer they delay living together after the wedding contract.
This has got to do with the feelings of romantic love and sexual desire that they develop for each other, the more they communicate over the phone, and meet in person (i.e. date).
This can cause impatience because of the rising conflict between their individual prior commitments (studies, job, social life etc.) and their growing desire to commence married life with each other.
Each can get very impatient to get married once they have become betrothed. This has got to do more with sexual desire than anything else.
Communication and the Nature of Men
What many girls do not realize is that men can be very different when it comes to communication.
If they work at a job, they cannot respond to every message, email, or phone call from their fiancé immediately.
Also, they can sometimes be at a loss as to how to talk to her if she gets emotional or clingy.
They therefore tend to get irritated if she whines, complains, or asks too many questions about their whereabouts and movements.
As a result, they can get aloof and emotionally distant.
All of this is not helped by the fact that both husband and wife have their own social life that can damper communication, such as jobs, studies, or family events.
If one spouse gets clingy, insecure, and possessive, it can strain an already tense relationship that is challenged by raging, unsatisfied sexual desires and long-distance separation.
Consequently, sometimes a husband-to-be can try to curtail or minimize all contact with his fiancé.
He does this in order to remove all romance-related “distractions” from his life until he is actually able to live with her and satisfy his desires.
I am speaking from experience about this, having counselled several real-life cases that had similar vibes.
However, before doing this, he should clearly convey his intentions behind reducing communication, to his wife and/or to her family, in order to keep their concerns and worries at bay.
Conclusion: Complete Honesty
It is a cause for concern the way this girl’s husband has not only relocated to another city, but also curtailed all contact with her.
It might be that he is focusing on advancing himself professionally, but he should be a little more open about his plans, if not with his fiancé, then at least with her parents.
Cutting off all contact, cold turkey, is a red flag.
Therefore, I advise her parents to sit down with his parents in person, and talk about the husband-to-be’s plans and intentions for the future.
They should call him up in the presence of his parents, and enquire about his professional and personal plans.
Does he want to permanently relocate to a new city, country? Find a job there first, and then get married?
If so, how long will this take? And why does he not wish to talk to his fiancé anymore?
I hope and pray that both families are able to work out the best solution for their future in this situation. Ameen.
One final note: please be informed that, according to Islamic Shari’ah, a Muslim man and his brother’s wife are non-mahrams for each other, so they both have to observe complete hijab in each other’s presence.
And Allah knows best.
I hope this helps.
Salam and please keep in touch.
(From Ask About Islam archives)
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