Answer
Short Answer:
- When you’re looking for a spouse it’s okay to look for somebody that you’re attracted to, that you find good-looking that you find their personality is nice and all these other things.
- But don’t forget the principles. Try to live by this and you’ll see a lot of barakah (blessings) in your own relationships.
- For young people my advice is become a little more strict and for the parents my advice is become a little less strict.
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Let me tell you younger folks something. Especially those of you that are looking to get married. The approaches you’ve taken to find a spouse. I will not spell out for you. You already know and I already know. The options you’ve considered, the conversations you’ve had. The social interactions you’ve had. Are between you and Allah. I’m no one to judge, but I know some of you have a guilty conscience inside of you.
Cherish a clean heart
My first plea. I’m begging you, I’m pleading with you. The most important asset you have. The most valuable thing you will have in this life is a clean heart, because that is the only key to Jannah. That is the only key to salvation on yawm alqiyamah (judgement day). And when you give your heart prematurely to a relationship that is illegitimate and that heart starts getting dirty and when a heart starts getting dirty it is no longer suitable for Allah azza wa jal anymore.
So don’t think that your relationships or your inappropriate interactions, and you know inappropriate relationships are not going to have a spiritual impact. They absolutely and certainly will and they will destroy in you the most valuable thing that you carry within you, your iman (faith). You will ruin it. You have to protect that faith.
When you’re looking for a spouse it’s okay to look for somebody that you’re attracted to. That, you find good-looking that you find their personality is nice and all these other things. But don’t forget the principles. Try to live by some of this stuff and you’ll see a lot of barakah (blessings) in your own relationships.
Be respectful
First of all understand that for the guys, the girl you like is somebody’s sister, is somebody’s daughter; is the respect and honor of somebody’s family. So, when you’re staring at her like that just think about somebody staring at your sister like that.
Just remind yourself of that. Just remember this is somebody’s honor we’re talking about. It’s okay for you to see a glance and say oh I want to marry her that was great. But one glance is good enough for you and you take the dignified approach.
First of all don’t be a perv and walk around “mmm-hmm” don’t do that. You know that’s not the kind of Islamic spirit we’re trying to revive here you know. So, that that’s one.
But two if you do find somebody interesting, take a respectful approach. The best approach, honest to God, the best approach is an indirect one. The best approach is through a friend through somebody you know a friend who has a sister who knows her etc etc. Try to be as indirect as possible because when you’re direct Shaitaan loves it. He just puts stuff in you and he puts stuff in her and the giggles start and the smiling and then the texting begins and then your sharing you know then your adding each other on Facebook and then your calling each other late at night then the Skype thing begins then things get out of hand. Things take one step at a time and they just really get out of hand.
If Love isn’t Allowed, How Do I Find My Wife?
Take as indirect an approach as possible and you know some people ask well how am I supposed to get to know the person you can it’s fine there’s nothing wrong with getting to know the person but get others involved and so that’s the other thing I want to attack today. It is there’s no harm in two families talking to each other, it is not too formal. Don’t go crazy of getting engaged it’s just two people trying to talk in a respectful way don’t turn it into something it’s not.
You say, I don’t want to tell my family it’s not that serious yet. Actually that’s the problem you should tell your family even when it’s not serious and your family shouldn’t get all crazy. We can’t approach them they might take it too seriously. It’s not serious, it’s just two families talking, that’s how communication is supposed to happen.
If you’re not involved in it they’re gonna do it on their own anyway you can’t stop it. It’s all around us you don’t think that stuff was happening when I was going to college in 1835 it was still happening you know these are realities. We have to deal with reality instead of cursing it and yelling at it it’s not gonna change it we have to face it.
Get your family involved
So get your family involved. Don’t let your family get too worked up about it’s too big of a deal, don’t let it become too big of a deal. It’s okay to have a conversation with a family with a you know guy talking to a girl with a chaperone getting to know each other trying to figure things out and things like that.
And if it works out it works out if not alhamdulilaah you move on. But you didn’t get emotionally attached. You had some butterflies in your stomach, but they didn’t turn into like entire pigeons in your stomach right.
So, you didn’t go that crazy you didn’t become emotionally invested. Here’s the problem with becoming emotionally invested. When you become emotionally invested you fall in love with a girl or with a guy and you’re like I have to marry this person.
First of all you have no guarantees it’s gonna work out and second of all when you get that infatuated you don’t care what anybody else thinks and when you go that crazy then you don’t want to listen to anybody and so you don’t listen to your parents, you don’t listen to her parents. You don’t listen to your brother, your sister, nobody’s advice matters to you anymore.
These parents try to bring you to a speaker. Sheikh talk to him, he wants to marry this girl. Sheikh is like what am I going to do. Don’t marry her. That doesn’t work, it’s too late.
Scarring your family or yourself can be avoided!
One of two things happens. If it does work out you have scarred your family because you went on a war against your family to do it and if it doesn’t work out you’re scarred forever and you will now not be able to have a healthy relationship again because in the back of your mind will be the other relationship. It’s an unhealthy way to go about things you know don’t engage don’t invest yourself emotionally don’t quote/unquote fall in love like that. And if you think you just fell in love in this conference walking down the hall you saw a girl that’s not falling in love that’s just your hormones. Congratulations you’re a teenager. That’s not love.
Anyhow so there’s two sides of it. The parent side and the youth side. For young people my advice is become a little more strict and for the parents my advice is become a little less strict. We’ve got an imbalanced situation here we’ve got youth that have no guidelines and no restrictions nothing’s wrong everything’s permissible like Assassin’s Creed or something right it’s like that. On the other side you’ve got parents that are way too strict and they’re unrealistic in their strictness and so we’re choking our own community in this way subhanAllah this should not be happening.
And Allah knows best.
I hope this helps.
Salam and please keep in touch.
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