Answer
Short Answer:
- The line that you are referencing would generally be considered an instruction.
- Allah is not saying that good men will absolutely always be for good women. We know this is not true. Good women marry abusive husbands. Good women marry cheating husbands.
- What Allah is saying is that good men and women should go together. He is instructing us on how to make healthy matches for marriage. We humans do not always listen to what He says.
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Salaam alaykum, sister.
This is an excellent question. It seems that you are experiencing something of a crisis of faith. This happens to us all at one time or another, often over and over again (this is true for me). Insha’Allah I can help you to understand.
Why do Bad Men get Good Women?
This line from the Quran that says that good men are for good women is not a prophecy. The Quran is very dynamic in its content. There are some parts that talk about things that have happened in the past; some parts are prophetic: speaking of things yet to come, or speaking of how things will be; some parts are instructional – telling Muslims how we should live; and much, much more than I can cover in this short answer.
The line that you are referencing would generally be considered an instruction. Allah is not saying that good men will absolutely always be for good women. We know this is not true. Good women marry abusive husbands. Good women marry cheating husbands. What Allah is saying is that good men and women should go together. He is instructing us on how to make healthy matches for marriage. We humans do not always listen to what He says.
Be Cautious of Hypocrisy and Secrets
The scenario you described is not only very true, but it happens frequently. That isn’t to say that women don’t ever stray outside the bounds of what is appropriate in Islam, then end up with a pure husband – but the reverse is much more common.
The truly horrifying part is not just that men have secret sexual pasts and then expect their future wife to be perfectly chaste. What is worse is that oftentimes the man’s family knows about his transgressions. They often actively hide this from the woman he is hoping to marry. They want him to be married, hoping that his wife will “fix” him, which is obviously absurd.
Though this is not directly regarding the question asked, I bring it up because I want to caution all women looking for a match. It is better to be single than to be married to a hypocrite who expects pure chastity from you, who would not touch you if he knew another man had – but who has a sexual history himself. It is better to be single than to be married to a liar. And above all, it is better to be single than to be married to a man who you are expected to “fix.” When seeking a match, exercise extreme caution. Do not become emotionally attached to any man without first knowing if his family is trying to hide anything from you.
Do not Forget Repentance!
The last point I want to bring up is repentance. I have heard women ask if they must disclose to a future husband their sexual past. The answer to this, I believe, is no. Unless you have some sort of disease (get tested, even if you think you are safe!), it is none of his business. And we must extend the same to men with a sexual past.
There is one big factor here: repentance.
We ALL sin. Every single one of us. Even the Prophet (saw), the best man to have lived, asked Allah for forgiveness regularly.
Remember, there is a huge difference between a man who hides his past because he just wants his wife not to know and a man who hides his past because he has truly repented. In Islam, we have no concept of confession. When we repent for a sin it is highly personal – it is between us and Allah.
Just because a man or a woman has a sexual history before marriage does not mean they are bad. Even a sinner who has not yet repented isn’t necessarily a bad person. We all make mistakes, we all give in to temptation in one way or another.
If a person has sincerely repented to Allah, made the sincere intention not to repeat the sin – it is no longer anyone else’s business and should not factor into whether that person would be a good match for marriage.
Chastity is not a Measuring Stick for Goodness
Also, please remember that if a person – man or woman – has been unchaste, it does not mean they are unfit for marriage. It would, of course, be extremely hypocritical of them to judge their future spouse for the same sins they are guilty of. Additionally, as I mentioned before, if there is a sexually transmitted infection involved it is absolutely their future spouse’s business. However, we cannot possibly measure someone’s goodness based upon whether he or she is a virgin at the time of marriage.
There are many things that can make us good or bad. Only Allah knows our hearts. The best we can do is to try to keep our hearts close to Him.
And Allah knows best.
I hope this helps.
Salam and please keep in touch.
(From Ask About Islam archives)
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