Assalamu Alaykum Dear Sister,
First of all, thank you so much for sending your message to us.
You did the right thing. As a matter of fact, you asking for help and we insha’Allah doing our best to help you means that Allah is already watching over you and wants you to return to Him beautifully and He will surely accept you. We have no doubt. That’s our Allah, our Most Merciful Creator.
There are two very important and beautiful aspects to remember and emphasize on here before we move on to discussing the solution:
1- The fact that you want to return to Allah means that HE is The One who wants you to return to Him and He wants to accept your repentance!
As He says in the Quran:
“Then He turned to them so they could repent. Indeed, Allah is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.” (Quran Surat At-Tawba, Chapter 9: 118)
So Allah turns to the person first, knowing that this person has a good heart and sincerely wants to repent, this allows the person to think of/seek repentance, and then Allah accepts the repentance and guides the person and shows mercy and blessings.
So, alhamdulillah, your desire for repentance is already a very good sign that Allah wants you and accepts you and you can make things straight again. So, thank Allah for this.
Indeed Allah is not a faraway deity, tough to deal with or hard to please. On the absolute contrary, Allah is the Nearest to us and Closest to us; He is The Most Merciful one towards us and He is the One who always opens doors day and night for us to return to Him always.
“And when My servants ask you concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.” (Quran. 2:186)
“And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein.” (Quran 50: 16)
“…Allah intends for you ease and does not intend for you hardship” [Quran: Chapter 2, Verse 185]
“And Allah wants to lighten for you [your difficulties]; and mankind was created weak.” [Quran: Chapter 4, Verse 28]
So be happy and optimistic.
2- The second thing to remember here is what Allah Almighty beautifully says:
“Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings upon him) said, “Allah, the Exalted, has said: ‘O son of adam, I forgive you as long as you call upon Me and hope for My forgiveness, whatever sins you have committed. O son of ‘Adam, I do not care if your sins reach the height of the heaven, then you ask for my forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of ‘Adam, if you come to Me with an earth load of sins, and meet Me associating nothing to Me, I would match it with an earthload of forgiveness.”‘ [At- Tirmidhi].
Do you see how Merciful Allah is? And you saying that you really need Him is a reason why He brings your way this glad tiding.
So you already have a beautiful great start from the Most Merciful. How can you say you don’t feel Him, while He is the One who is The Closest to you, facilitating all of this to you, He knows what’s in your mind and heart, and He is closer to you than anyone and anything, even closer than this screen you’re looking at now to read those words!
So thank Allah and call upon Him and you will find Him with you… always.
“And to Allah belongs the east and the west. So wherever you [might] turn, there is the Face of Allah. Indeed, Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.” (Quran 2: 115)
Now that we have this glad tiding, we need to have a rational talk and discuss the action plan to make things right again, insha’Allah.
First of all, we need to acknowledge what was wrong in what you have done so we can fix it and avoid falling in the same mistakes again and again.
So, what was wrong in what you mentioned?
In Islam, relationships outside of marriage are not allowed given how unfair they are especially to the woman, even if she doesn’t recognize that. It is part of a woman’s dignity, honor and right to be in an announced marital relationship with the knowledge of her family and with a marriage contract.
In Islam, this is a testimony from the man in front Allah, the Creator and in front of all witnesses that this man will be responsible for taking care of this woman’s emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual and financial needs.
It is his responsibility to look after all her needs from the day they marry and until they meet their Creator. Any harm, emotionally, physically…..etc., that he afflicts on her is forbidden and he will be accountable for it before Allah on The Day of Judgment.
This is a commitment because the woman is highly precious and submitting herself, her emotions, time, thinking, physical being and her feelings to someone who doesn’t owe her anything and can leave her at any point, hurt her and humiliate her… THIS is not fair or befitting of women, and women are really meant to be much more honored than that.
They are certainly much more elevated and honored and dignified in Islam and that’s why we have certain rules by Allah The All Wise Glorified be He.
So, you having those relationships was wrong and not befitting.
As an eye opener and to know more about this subject, we recommend you take a look at the videos below. They include some resources and food for thought:
The problem is, because what you got yourself into was an injustice against your own self, your heart started to harden and get heavy. Our hearts get hardened when we commit sins and wrongdoings, and they soften and lighten up when we do good deeds.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
“Verily, when the slave (of Allah) commits a sin, a black spot appears on his heart. When he refrains from it, seeks forgiveness and repents, his heart is polished clean. But if he returns, it increases until it covers his entire heart. And that is the ‘Ran’ which Allah mentioned: ‘Nay, but on their hearts is the Ran which they used to earn.’” [Jami’ at-Tirmidhi]
So what’s the action plan?
Our action plan now is that you need to repent from whatever wrong that happened. There are steps or rules for a successful, healing repentance that brings the person back beautifully onto the straight path.
What are they?
- First of all, you need to stop the sin. So if you’re still engaged in having non-halal relationships with foreign boys/men, then you need to stop that. It is degrading and not bringing you the honor that you deserve.
- Second of all, you need to truly and sincerely regret the sin. Regret is essential in showing sincerity. If you truly regret a wrongdoing, then you understand why Allah told us that it is harmful and you desire to make things right and find the halal and pure means that Allah subhanu wa Ta’la prescribed.
- Third, you need to seek forgiveness of Allah sincerely and repent from the wrong doing.
One of the ways to do that, is to follow what was mentioned in this hadith:
The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings upon him) says: “There is no one who commits a sin then purifies himself well (does wudoo’/ablution) and stands and prays two rak’ahs (two units of prayer), then asks Allah for forgiveness, but Allah will forgive him.
Then he recited this verse:
‘And those who, when they have committed Faahishah (illegal sexual intercourse) or wronged themselves with evil, remember Allah and ask forgiveness for their sins; — and none can forgive sins but Allah — and do not persist in what (wrong) they have done, while they know’ (Quran 3:135).”
So perform this prayer of repentance.
- Lastly, have a strong, sincere intention not to go back to the sin.
When you do the above successfully, you’ll have a fresh clean start with Allah (SWT) and remember that Allah says:
“And verily, I am indeed forgiving to him who repents, believes (in My Oneness, and associates none in worship with Me) and does righteous good deeds, and then remains constant in doing them (till his death)” [Quran 20:82]
Now, what are some righteous good deeds you can start doing instead to fill your time?
1- Try to engage yourself in some useful activities with sisters (no freely mixed activities that make you vulnerable to fall in the same mistakes again). There are many activities that sisters do together. Find charitable projects to volunteer in, help the poor, the needy, the elderly, the orphans… All of this would fill your time, heart and place light in them. See what you can do to benefit your community, even if it’s through simple, small acts.
2- Try to give money in charity secretly.
3- Attend doroos (religious gatherings for seeking knowledge) to learn about your deen, about Allah, about marriage in Islam, about tazkiyyah (purification of the self) and about Jannah. All of this will expand your heart, and you might find righteous companions to spend time with and stay away from all harms. Finding righteous role models, sisters you can rely on and look up to is very important in this path.
“And keep yourself patient [by being] with those who call upon their Lord in the morning and the evening, seeking His countenance. And let not your eyes pass beyond them, desiring adornments of the worldly life, and do not obey one whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance and who follows his desire and whose affair is ever [in] neglect.” (Quran 18: 28)
4- Consider getting married seriously. Make supplications for Allah to grant you a righteous spouse who can fulfill you physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
5- If you spend a lot of time online, use that to learn about your deen. You can watch Islamic lectures. They play a huge part of keeping one on the straight path. There is a website called halaltube.com. They have tens and tens of great lectures by Muslim speakers from around the world. Similarly, there is a website called Bayyinah TV , they have Bayyinah YouTube channel. They have videos to educate people on the incredibly beautiful meanings of the book of Allah (SWT). You can watch ‘Amazed by the Quran’ series for example. Enjoy that and it is quite interesting, fill your time with the remembrance of Allah and stay away from any harm.
Remember that Allah is with you always, and if you truly want the straight path, He will open doors for you.
“And whoever fears Allah (have taqwa) – He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent.” (Quran 65: 2-3)
“…and whoever fears Allah (have taqwa) – He will remove for him his misdeeds and make great for him his reward.” (Quran 65: 5)
So, blessed is your new start, my sister, have glad tidings from Allah (SWT) and start anew, Allah always accepts us and helps us lead and pure, good and righteous life that is fitting for His honorable servants.
And don’t ever give up or say you are dead. Indeed Allah descends water from the sky to bring life back to the dead earth after its lifelines, He can also descend His mercy upon your heart to bring it back to life…
“So observe the effects of the mercy of Allah – how He gives life to the earth after its lifelessness. Indeed, that [same one] will give life to the dead, and He is over all things competent.” (Quran 30: 50)
We pray you find your way and find peace and light in your heart and mind, and that you lead a beautiful, pure and honorable life fitting for a dignified Muslimah! Ameen.
Please tell us if you need anything or if we can be of further help.
Wassalamu Alaykum, my sister.