Answer
Salam Dear Sister,
Thank you so much for this very important question and for approaching Ask About Islam.
This is indeed a very important question, may Allah reward you for bringing this up for discussion.
I’m very happy you started asking and you felt something was wrong, because there is!
It is indeed unnatural for a woman to be overly friendly and overly casual with men and cross all limits of modesty and decorum and act as if she is “buddies” with males. That’s not quite right or natural.
Before we even discuss the Islamic and spiritual standpoint, please check the following short and interesting social experiments from a non-Muslim perspective: Can men and women be JUST friends? (Social experiment)
The above social experiments have been conducted by different individuals, in different locations and at different times. It is not simply one person or one organization’s point of view.
Please note the discrepancy between the males and females point of views on the subject in the above videos.
Almost all males have said that men and women can’t be “just” friends and it is not natural. Men are friends with men. When a man is friends with another woman, there is something else in his mind or something else that will come to his mind intentionally or unintentionally— and that’s not even the Islamic view, this is what random men in the videos have reported almost unanimously.
For these reasons and more, women are instructed to maintain limits and observe hayaa (modesty/bashfulness/decorum) when dealing with their male counterparts, be it at school, work or any other setting.
Now, we’re not saying you should cut all relations. Of course not and that’s not the point. We’re saying mind the limits and respect the limits and deal with them only as per the necessity and serious needs.
One of the most beautiful and absolutely amazing locations in which this example is demonstrated is in the story of Prophet Moses in the Quran Chapter 28. Read verses 23 to 25:
(23) And when he [Moses] came to the well of Madyan, he found there a crowd of people watering [their flocks], and he found aside from them two women driving back [their flocks]. He said, “What is your circumstance?” They said, “We do not water until the shepherds dispatch [their flocks]; and our father is an old man.”
(24) So he watered [their flocks] for them; then he went back to the shade and said, “My Lord, indeed I am, for whatever good You would send down to me, in need.”
(25) Then one of the two women came to him walking with shyness. She said, “Indeed, my father invites you that he may reward you for having watered for us.” So when he came to him and related to him the story, he said, “Fear not. You have escaped from the wrongdoing people.”
This is such a brilliant story and it summarizes what we want to discuss in this subject.
First of all, Allah Almighty showed us that these two women went out to work because of an urgent need; their father is old and can’t work. So they need to do the business themselves.
However, He illustrated how the two women maintained their seriousness and shyness among men and that they didn’t mix and mingle with them and that they preferred to carry on their work after men were done to avoid any vain talks or unnecessary interactions.
When Moses saw their need, he briefly inquired about their situation to offer help. They too very briefly and in seriousness responded to his question, without being overly casual or too friendly…etc. Moses helped them out as a real man and he left without even exchanging extra talks or asking for anything in return.
And then something very beautiful happened. Moses asked Allah to send him ‘khair‘ or good and pure sustenance. Right after he made this supplication, one of the women came to him walking “shyly and modestly” and she also spoke shyly informing him that their father invites him over to reward him for the work that he has done.
The scholars of tafseer (Quran exegesis) have noted how it was deliberately highlighted how the woman was walking shyly and she spoke shyly. Some even reported that the woman has covered her face shyly with part of her dress to avoid gazing at him or being gazed at by him.
This is hayaa and this was the result of Moses asking for ‘khair‘ (goodness and purity) so the woman’s hayaa was the goodness and purity that was sent to him by the Creator.
This is in line with what Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings) taught us:
“All of hayaa (modesty) is khair (goodness). And hayaa does not bring anything but khair.” And he said: “hayaa (modesty) is part of Iman (faith).” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].
So this is what we need to remember and pay attention to and abide by to regain goodness and purity in our lives.
Compare the attitude of these pure and modest women from the story with the attitude of some of us today when we unknowingly act so comfortably, casually, loudly and immodestly with males…
Some sisters think that they prefer being friends with males over females because males are not as jealous of them like females and that there is no competitiveness between them.
But this is not right. The Prophet said: “No man is alone with a woman but the Shaytaan will be the third one present.”
The woman enjoys how a man compliments her and takes care of her needs and that he is not “jealous of her” like other women. So she thinks this is good friendship. But it isn’t.
The man complimenting and taking care of her is not completely innocent or platonic as she thinks- even if he intended so at the beginning. And this kind of care and investment in the other is not something that should happen between ‘friends’, this is something that should happen between husband and wife.
Therefore, you doing that and practicing that with another man and being so open emotionally and intellectually with a foreign man who isn’t your husband, is really injustice against you and him.
How many stories have you heard of a man and woman who were ‘just friends’but then he showed interest in her and she didn’t have the same feelings and then issues got complicated?
Bottom line, this is not right or pure for the man or the woman.
So what to do?
1- Be honest with yourself and be conscious of your actions.
2- Ask yourself, why exactly am I carrying this specific conversation with a man? Is there a serious ‘need’ and a necessity or do I have other motives?
3- Remember that Allah knows what’s in your heart and mind and He knows your motives. So be shy of Allah first (Glorified and Exalted) and show Him the purity of your hearts and actions.
Remember that He highlighted in the Quran that the most successful of believers are those who work on purifying themselves and are conscious of Him constantly.
4- Try not to speak excessively or unnecessarily and don’t share your emotions and give a part of yourself to a man who isn’t halal for you. This will only harm you and break your own heart and feelings on the long run.
5- Try not to stare at males you speak with too much. Also help them not to stare too much at you either. Don’t give them a reason to be attached to you or you be attached to them. Again, this only will trouble your own heart and the light and purity of your soul.
This whole issue has major consequences on the light and purity of women’s hearts. You won’t feel that if you’re indulged in the issue. But after you purify your conduct accordingly, without a doubt, you will be noticing so much relief, light, purity, peace and clarity in your heart and mind.
Here are some more interesting additional resources for you:
Videos:
1- The Way She Walks (Nouman Ali Khan)
2- Opposite Sex Interactions (Nouman Ali Khan)