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Ask Forgiveness From My Mother or Die?!

23 October, 2016
Q My mum sent me a message which didn't go down well with me and I sent her back a message accusing her of blaming me and telling her that I am a failure and I have never done good to please her ever since I started having financial problems. I never called her in two weeks not to even ask how my grandpa, her dad, is doing since he has been sick. I don't know what to do and I am on a verge of committing suicide because she told all my brothers and sister not to respect me and even leave me to die. So I have seen it better to just die.


Salam Dear Nathy,

Thank you for trusting Ask About Islam in addressing your concern.

We are very sorry to hear about this current situation with your mother. Of course, given the little that we know about the overall family situation it is quite difficult for us to advise you other than to say that suicide is definitely NOT a solution to any problems.

It is completely, unequivocally Haram (unlawful) in Islam to commit suicide. According to our Prophet (peace be upon him), the one who commits suicide will, aside from spending eternity in Hellfire, relive his or her own death over and over again forever.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

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“Whoever intentionally swears falsely by a religion other than Islam, then he is what he has said. And whoever commits suicide with piece of iron will be punished with the same piece of iron in the Hellfire.” (Bukhari)

Narrated Jundab that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

“A man was inflicted with wounds and he committed suicide, and so Allah said: My slave has caused death on himself hurriedly, so I forbid Paradise for him.” (Bukhari)

Is this what you would call a ‘solution’ to this problem you are facing? I would say definitely NOT.

Allah promises in the Quran that every hardship in life, through our patience, trust and obedience to Allah, will be followed by ease:

{Verily, with hardship there is relief} (Quran 94:6)

{…Bear with patience whatever befalls you….} (Quran 31:17)

{…Do not grieve, surely Allah is with us…} (Quran 9:40)

Our Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

“Verily, if Allah loves a people, He makes them go through trials. Whoever is satisfied, for him is contentment, and whoever is angry, upon him is wrath.” (Tirmidhi)

That being said, I urge you to work with your family, your mother and your siblings to work through this current situation. Despite the awful things said to you by your mother, she is still your mother, and it is usually best in such a situation to just say nothing, rather than respond negatively.

By responding you do nothing other than raise the disagreement to a higher level of nastiness, and then both parties end up saying things that they ultimately regret. By keeping silent, it is a way of defusing the situation.

It doesn’t mean it will make the situation go away, but it will at least prevent it from escalating. It is of the highest importance in Islam to treat our parents with kindness and respect, so even though your mother may have said something hurtful to you, it does not mean you should respond in kind. In this situation, it would be best just to stay silent.

The other thing is that if there is indeed something that you may have done, some wrong you may have committed, then it is important for us to own up to it and ask our parents for forgiveness.

I don’t know if this is what happened in your case, but I want to just mention it because forgiveness and admitting when one has done wrong is an important part of reconciliation. Unless one or both parties admit to doing wrong, it is highly unlikely that the issue will be resolved.

{But he who patiently endures and forgives, that is a conduct of great resolve}(Quran 42:43)

{Those who avoid major sins and acts of indecencies and when they are angry they forgive.} (Quran 42:37)

{Keep to forgiveness, and enjoin kindness, and turn away from the ignorant. And if it should happen that a prompting from Satan stirs thee up [to anger], seek refuge with Allah: behold, He is All-Hearing, All-Knowing.} (Quran 7:199-200)

I understand how difficult this must be for you, and how hard it must be to have to put up with this. That is why in such situations we must learn to take refuge in Allah. People are people, they are imperfect and they will do things that can be incomprehensible, even our parents and family.

That is why Allah always calls us to Him, especially in hardship. He knows all, and through His remembrance do our hearts find rest:

{Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.} (Quran 13:28)

{Therefore remember Me and I will remember you…} (Quran 2:152)

I hope that there is some more peaceful way of working through these problems with your family. It sounds very serious, however, and I hope that in time and with patience and Allah’s help the situation can improve.

If you would like to follow up with us we would be happy to try and help you further.

I hope this helps address your concern.

Salam and please keep in touch.

About Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah
Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah is a Research Fellow at the Institute for Social Science Study’s Community Education and Youth Studies Laboratory, Universiti Putra Malaysia. He received his B.A. from the University of Delaware (U.S.), his M.S. from Columbia University (U.S.) and his PhD from the Institute for Community & Peace Studies (PEKKA), Universiti Putra Malaysia in 2005 in the field of Youth Studies. Abd. Lateef is an American who has been living in Malaysia since 2001. He is married and has 2 children.