For over 5 years I have looked up to a boy as my future husband. Our families had a close relationship and my father liked him even before I ever got to know him. As our families became close it became a common understanding (however not put forward officially) that InshaAllah when the time comes, they'll have us married. Since then, both of us have always Alhamdulillah tried to keep our relationship within boundaries of our religion.
We've been studying in same educational institutions since then and became good friends. We both respected each other. However, I do not know what happened last summer. Although his behavior with me before wasn’t that great, this summer he broke up with me and disrespected me and made me suffer both emotionally and mentally.
I never got to know my mistake if there was any and I went through severe depression and insomnia. My health declined and till now my personality hasn't recovered from the trauma I experienced. After summer, I talked to him and tried to smoothen things out and didn't leave him despite what he did.
He started to soften a bit and I thought things would probably be fine and that everything was now okay. However, he said that he still isn't sure about marrying me. At first, I thought that I can give him a year to think about it when I realized that I couldn't deal with it anymore and have requested him to decide very soon.
I decided to discuss my matter with people who are spiritually strong as some things were very unusual in his behavior. He asked me a couple of things and then he recited some verses on me, but he never told me exactly what was wrong, so I suppose he thought that I was still too young.
I feel that he doesn't respect me, and I don't know if he has feelings for me anymore. I feel so restless waiting for him to make a decision. I don't know if what I am doing is right or wrong because at this point, I am even getting doubts about him. I am so terribly scared.
I don't know what to do or what will happen. I have tried to talk to him about this matter multiple times but all in vain. Sometimes it’s effective but mostly he just doesn't respond to it or blocks it out, and other than that we barely converse.
What can I do and how can I be better? I am in desperate need for guidance. Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Do not make the decision to marry hastily or under pressure from any side. Do it only if you are totally convinced and comfortable with it.
It is important that you have some degree of compatibility and mutual understanding regarding things. But most importantly, it is vital that your future spouse is good with his religion.
Try to bring to his attention assertively how his actions are affecting you by using “I statements”.
Never disregard your gut instinct regarding a person or anything.
Do Istikhara.
Assalamu Alaikum Sister,
In your post, you have stated that you have been in a relationship for five years with a man whom you have looked up to like your future husband.
You have been studying in the same educational institute as him, and your families knew that you were to marry each other. However last year he broke up with you and did not give you any explanations, which left you heart-broken and depressed.
You decided to approach him again, things got better, and you assumed that everything was normal; however, the guy told you that he was not sure about marrying you.
You are now having some doubts if he will be a good husband since you feel as though he does not respect you. Further, he also does not listen or understand what you have to say – rather he blocks it out.
While you are waiting for his response regarding whether he wants to marry you, you are feeling very restless and anxious.
Sister, I am sorry about the pain you are going through at the moment. I can understand your anxiety and confusion regarding the response you are expecting from him.
On one hand, you feel as though you have invested so much of your time and emotions in the relationship, and you had so many expectations from him.
On the other hand, you are getting a sense that it may not be a good idea to marry him since he has broken your heart and your trust and does not respect you for who you are.
While you are the best person to make the decision, here are a few suggestions that can help you reach a conclusion.
Marriage is a lifelong decision and commitment
Sister, it is important to understand that marriage is a lifelong commitment and decision that does not only involve the two of you but also your families and the new generations to come.
Do not make the decision to marry hastily or under pressure from any side. Do it only if you are totally convinced and comfortable with it.
Things to see when looking for a spouse
When looking for a spouse, it is essential to see whether you and your spouse belong to similar financial backgrounds; since it is going to have an impact on your married life later.
Secondly, it is important that you have some degree of compatibility and mutual understanding regarding things. But most importantly, it is vital that your future spouse is good with his religion.
The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” Al-Bukhaari [4802].
The same is also true for women when choosing a husband.
Communication Is an Important Part of a Healthy Relationship
From your post, it is evident that the person you intend to marry is not communicating with you effectively but blocking out the things you say.
The reason guys usually do this is to put the other person down and to show that they have the “upper hand” in the relationship.
Try to bring to his attention assertively how his actions are affecting you by using “I statements”.
Check out this counseling video:
Tell him how you feel when he blocks out things you want him to respond to. If he gets defensive about what you have to say regarding your feelings, it is definitely a red flag that you should not ignore.
Also, it is best that you stop communicating with him on your own and involve a mahram when you speak to him.
Trust your gut instinct
Never disregard your gut instinct regarding a person or anything. If you are feeling as though something is not right, then there must be a good reason for it.
Our subconscious mind is quick at picking up things and helps us to identify the “red flags” and warning signs.
So, give yourself time to think about why you are feeling anxious about his response. Ask your heart if you still really want to marry him.
Do Istikhara
It is best to do Istikhara (a prayer asking for guidance) about your marriage with this guy. Even if you did it at an earlier stage, now that you feel that something is not right, Istikhara again.
In the Quran, Allah SWT says,
“But you cannot will, unless Allah wills. Verily, Allah is Ever All-Knowing, All-Wise” [Al Insan, 30]
Allah (SWT) is the best of planners, and He knows exactly what is good for us.
Involve trusted family members
Sister, I understand that it may be a very difficult time and phase of your life – since you have been in this relationship for almost 5 years and you can see the investment of your time and emotions dangling through a thin thread.
It is best to involve trusted family members into the matter so that they can act as your support system during this difficult phase of your life.
You have mentioned that your family was aware that he was the one you intended to marry so I understand that you may fear negative evaluation or criticism from them as to why the relationship is not working out (in case it does not).
Do not feel pressurized by anyone’s questions and let them know that you are happy in submitting to whatever Allah (SWT) has planned for you.
Lastly, sister, do not lose hope. Have faith in Allah (SWT) and believe that whatever will happen will be for the best for both of you.
May Allah (SWT) Bless you with happiness in this world and the hereafter.
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.