However, I was not able to fulfill her expectations of what a good partner should be like. I was not able to give her the kind of attention she wanted and this always made her unhappy but she never said anything and just kept compromising on everything. She was afraid I would be the same after getting married as well even after my constant assurances that I am trying to change.
Now I am thinking of ending the commitment because even though she is a very good human, better than anyone I know, but she has one problem, she is not religious. She is a Muslim by birth and does everything a good Muslim should do but she does not pray. She has never stopped me from praying and she even encourages me to be religious but she does not have the same kind of faith that I do.
I don't want to end it because I'm hoping that with time she will change but I'm confused. She has done so much for me and has been by my side after all the times I've constantly hurt her and made her cry. I feel that if I decide to end things now, it will be unfair to her that after all the good she's done for me, this is how I'm responding. But on the other hand, I can't defy Allah and keep a haram commitment or choose a spouse who does not pray. What should I do?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Let her know your thoughts about how you are affected by her not praying. Perhaps she does not realize the impact of her disregarding Salah has on you.
- Sometimes, spouses take it for granted that their religion or performing religious acts is their own business. On the other hand, Islam greatly emphasizes on observing Islam as a family and performing acts of worship together as a family to increase Barakah in the family. Let her know that these are the values you seek in your future partner.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum Brother,
With regard to your question, I understand that you are engaged to get married to your best friend. Your friend has lots of good qualities and you thought that she would make you a good wife. However, as time passed you learned that she does not pray. You are concerned about this and whether you should marry her.
First of all, brother, Islam does not allow free mixing of a man and a woman. That is, even if you are engaged to be married, you are still not Mahrams until you get married. According to a Hadith
“No man is alone with a woman but the shaytaan is the third one present.” [Al-Tirmidhi)
Therefore, I would recommend you not to meet each other alone without a mahram until you are married.
As for your concern regarding that, your fiancée does not pray – the concern is absolutely correct. Although we are all born Muslims, Alhamdulillah, our upbringing and religious values are different from each other. I think it would be appropriate to marry a girl who is as religious as your or is at least moldable to your religious values. The reason being is that one day she will be a mother to your children and to future generations. Your future wife’s religious values will have a deep impact on how your children will learn Islam.
According to the Hadith,
“A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So choose the religious one, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” [Al-Bukhari, Ibn Majah]
You have mentioned that by nature your fiancée has all the qualities of a good Muslim. This, indeed, is a blessing. Perhaps you need to determine her ambivalence about praying Salah. She may not have had an appropriate upbringing in her house about the importance of Salah and may learn it with time if you give the matter consistent importance and patience (after marriage, of course).
On the other hand, some people never turn towards prayer. This can be frustrating for a spouse who is regular in prayer.
Since you both have mutual feelings for each other and have been committed to each other for a while, here are some suggestions to help you maintain your relationship with your fiancée.
Communicate Your Values about Salah to Your Fiancée
Let her know your thoughts about how you are affected by her not praying. Perhaps she does not realize the impact of her disregarding Salah has on you.
Sometimes, spouses take it for granted that their religion or performing religious acts is their own business. On the other hand, Islam greatly emphasizes on observing Islam as a family and performing acts of worship together as a family to increase Barakah in the family. Let her know that these are the values you seek in your future partner.
Check out this counseling video:
Help Your Fiancée Get Islamic Knowledge and Education
As mentioned before, it is not advisable to interact with your fiancée directly at this point as it is unlawful in Islam. However, share resources about Deen with her and let her know the importance of Salaat and other pillars of Islam – not just in the Hereafter but also in this world.
Perform Istikhara
If you have any doubts concerning your future with the girl, perform an Istikhara prayer and ask Allah for guidance about whether you should marry the girl. Istikhara will help you clear your mind, make your decision easy and also put Barakah in your future plans.
Do Not Delay Your Decision
It is evident from your post that you have been in contact with the girl for quite some time and also have been committed to each other for a long time now. Islam discourages keeping long engagements. So, talk to your fiancée and perform an Istikhara as soon as possible. Do not delay your decision for long.
If you intend to marry the girl, do so without any further delay so that you become Mahrams and are able to learn and strive for Deen together, InshaAllah.
Alternatively, if you decide to annul the engagement, break off the relationship completely with her. There is no room for a friendship between a man and a woman in Islam.
Ask for Your Fiancée’s Forgiveness
If you decide to call off the relationship, do ask your fiancée for forgiveness. Since you led her on and made her believe that there was something for her in the future. She seems quite invested in you and breaking off the relationship will probably tear her.
Additionally, while getting out of this relationship, you will remain unscathed; but it is difficult for a girl to have a clean name after a broken engagement. It might even affect her future prospects of marriage. This is one of the reasons why Islam forbids free-mixing of men and women as well as long engagements.
Repent to Allah
By mingling with a non-mahram woman, making her hope and want, you have already committed a sin and have put a woman’s future at stake. It is important that you take responsibility for it and not just ask the girl for forgiveness but also repent to Allah. Inshallah, He has Mercy on you, the girl and both of your futures, be it together or separate ways.
In the meanwhile, keep praying to Allah that your fiancée’s heart is turned toward Deen. May Allah grant her the Taufiq to observe the 5 times daily prayers along with other tenets of Islam.
On an ending note, while you try to endorse your values and values of Deen on your fiancée or future spouse, do understand that marriage is a “give and take” relationship. Each one of us has room for improvement. There are virtues that your fiancée would like to change or add to your personality. Be open and receptive to her suggestions and also try to come up to her expectations of an ideal husband.
May Allah help you make the correct decision, help you and your future spouse to be a source of happiness for each other.
Amen,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
