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Ask the Psychologist (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
30 November, 2017

Salaam Alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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[email protected]

Monday, Dec. 04, 2017 | 13:00 - 15:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

I've been married for 18 months now. About 3 months back I came to know about my wife had an affair prior to marriage and she is been talking her boyfriend even after marriage. I got the recording of her calls with his boyfriend accidentally and listened to them. In most of the calls, she is talking to him casually but has been talking bad about me, though I've been good with her. She is also talking bad about my parents and family in the calls. I also got the recording of calls with her family where her family is also using very bad words about me and my parents. As soon as I learned this I want to separate and hence I got 2 representatives from local Jamaath involved. As this is the first time my local Jamaath is advising me to reconcile and give another chance as she is feeling sorry for what she has done. But my parents are against it and want me to divorce my wife, as she had not been doing well in household matters and was warned my parent's couple of times already. My parents are very hurt after listening to the recordings of my wife and her family talking bad words about me and my parents. Also, we came to know my wife's family moral background is not good. Therefore, my parents don't want to give her a chance as my wife may commit the same mistake again. I'm confused now as to what to do if to divorce my wife as per my parent's words or to listen to representatives of Jamaath. If listen to Jamaath and reconcile I'll feel like I will be betraying my parents as I'll be leading life with a lady who and her family spoke very bad words about my family. But if I go by reasons of divorce as per Islam I've to give one chance to my wife as she has just spoken to his boyfriend casually but has not been involved in any adultery. Please help me or guide me as to how if I should divorce my wife or should I give her a chance. Thanks.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

It sure is a difficult situation to be in when your wife seems to be involved in so many things against you and your family; both talking to an old boyfriend as well as saying bad words about both you and your family behind your back. Naturally, on hearing this your family would rather see you seek divorce as they will be feeling very insulted. Furthermore,  they probably fear for the health of your marriage and would rather see you leave it for fear that it will lead to your unhappiness. Certainly having the support of your family will make the marriage easier, but it can still work without their support. Having sought the support from your local Muslim leaders, it seems that they are also of the view that you should give the marriage another chance before ultimately taking a divorce.

 

Due to the length to which marriage is respected in Islam, it is always encouraged that we do all we can to have a marriage before seeking a divorce as a last resort. There is much wisdom behind this given that marriage not only provides comfort to the couple but also serves as a means to have needs met in a halal way as well as saving us from falling into sin. However, you have since shared further undesirable features of your spouse and her family; their belief in witchcraft and her father’s alcoholism and not offering prayer. Furthermore, you state that she abuses your parents.

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With specific reference to the new information you have shared, regarding her parent’s beliefs and behaviors, it is concerning, but whilst we ideally want to marry spouses from good, righteous backgrounds, this does not always happen. Ideally, we would all marry people from good backgrounds, but it’s possible to also be in a successful marriage with someone who has also come from a dysfunctional background too. Just because her father is a drunkard who doesn’t pray, it does not mean that this is who she will also become. In fact, as her spouse, you are in a good position to ensure a secure marital home that will not place her in such a position where she feels the need to turn to such. Likewise with belief in witchcraft, helping to educate her on the impermissibility of its use can provide her with a song and positive influence on the straight path. Arguing with her about it may cause her to be more inclined to go to her parents who may influence her wrongly when it comes to witchcraft. Certainly, in Islam, we knew that witchcraft does exist, but the important thing is that we use this knowledge wisely by not using it and protecting ourselves against it. As her husband, you could have a profoundly positive influence in turning her away from it.

 

Regarding her abusing your parents, this is not acceptable as much as would be her abusing her own parents. It sounds generally like there are many differences between your 2 families which is making it very difficult to move forward or even give the marriage a chance at working since the influence of both families is so strong. As a last resort before contemplating divorce, it might be a good idea to seek counselling, ideally with both families present. It is advisable also for you and your wife to attend couple counselling, but since the influence of your families will also be there, it may be more helpful to have both families present. This way you can all raise your concerns together in an environment that will be under the guidance of impartial parties. If this counselling is sought within your local community headed by the local imam then you can be sure that the advice you will receive will be undertaken under the guidance of Islamic principles, which will be best for all parties involved. Since your local leaders advised you to take the route of giving things another go first before moving forward with a divorce they will be well versed on your scenario as well as content that you took their advice to give things another go. At least this way, if you do still fail to make amends, then they have seen with their own eyes that you have tries your best to make it work.

 

Seeking counselling in this way will give everybody involved the chance to have their voices heard and express their concerns. All this can be done without words being said behind one another’s back as they seem to have been much of the time so far and will, therefore, allow everyone to express their opinions without facing the dangers of backbiting.

 

If after the counselling you are still unable to reconcile relations with your wife then you can be confident that you have done all you can to make things work and will not look back with regrets that you didn’t at least give it a go. Alternatively, in the best case scenario, the counselling will work, you will reconcile your differences and your families will have also making for a better environment to nurture a marital relationship.

 

May Allah grant you ease during these difficulties and guide you to make the best decision that will be pleasing to Allah and bring you much happiness.

Assalamu alaikum, I got married in Aug 2016. My wife is a bit abnormal from the first. She behaves very childish many times. She hardly has interest in sex. After 14mnths of marriage all of sudden she wasn't even able to stand without any support. Finally, i sent her to her home to take rest. After 10days I got a call from her saying that she got admitted to a mental hospital. I was completely shocked to hear that... There she tries to kill her self with her own hands... Tries to jump out of the window... Even in these 14mnths sometimes I have seen some symptoms of her mouth angle changing.. Crying for no reason... Sometimes very anxiety for nothing at all. After 6 months of marriage, she told me that she had gone through psychiatric treatment 2 - 3 times. When I met doctors in the hospital, they said that she is having the dissociative disorder from 2-3 years. Their parents never told me about this... They just hide all her health issues. Now, I want to give divorce to her.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

Marriage can be a source of great happiness, but also comes with many challenges also. In your case, it seems that your wife is suffering from mental health problems. What makes it especially difficult for you, is that it seems this information was concealed from you since before you got married. She is experiencing a number of distressing symptoms that can be difficult for loved ones to manage, especially when it comes to things such as attempting suicide.

 

It is ok to seek a divorce in Islam and there is nothing wrong with it, especially if you feel you have been deceived, however, we also know that marriage is an institution that is well protected in Islam too. This is why seeking a marriage can be quite a difficult and lengthy process and people desiring divorce must ideally take a number of steps to reconcile the marriage before taking the final option of divorce.

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Before rushing into a divorce, you might consider first trying to give her support with her illness. You can begin by learning more about what she is going through from her directly and by reading up online about it also. You might also pick up some tips on how best to help her out.

 

You could also support her in attendance at medical appointments and encourage her to attend counselling. Often this disorder can arise as a result of previous trauma and therefore the best way to overcome it is to receive counselling for this past issues. In time, once this trauma is addressed patients can return to a state where they do not exhibit such intense behavior. Having your support during this time could be of great assistance in overcoming this difficult time.

 

Caring for someone and/or being in a relationship with someone who is experiencing such difficulties can be extremely difficult. There is no shame in taking a break from the situation as often dealing with such a difficult situation on a daily basis can lead those around the affected person to face burn out. Therefore, it is essential to take a break also. Make sure that she has someone reliable to stay with or to stay with her, such as a friend or family member and take some time away for yourself. This will also give you space to really think about your situation and your options; seek a divorce or stay? Being away from the situation to think about it will give you a more rational space to consider your options without being influenced by your immediate surroundings, i e. Your spouse and her behavior.

 

Try to give things a chance first, trying to understand things from her side and support her through her difficulties and maybe the love between you will strengthen as you realize the daily struggles she faces. If you still feel too betrayed by her and her family after this time and that you will be unable to cope with the situation then it is ok to seek divorce via the correct channels. The most important thing is to know that you have given it a chance. If you don’t take these steps to save the marriage, then you may be left feeling guilty for not having tried more to help, or make the relationship work. At least, if you have tried then you can be more confident that you are making the best choice.

 

May Allah make things easy for you and grant your wife full recovery from her illness. May He grant you success and happiness in this life and the next.

I need ur advice on my relationship My fiance n I have been friends for 7yrs before we started dating. I introduced him to my mum and she accepted him. After sometimes, my mom went to a pastor for counseling and she was told that he is not my husband ordained by Allah and that I will meet my own husband in the future. My mom is asking me to quit. He doesn't believe in prophecy n neither do I. Ever since we started dating, I have been thankful to Allah for he is a good man, religious n trustworthy. I understand that Islam prohibits spiritual counseling I'm confused right now. I don't know if I should continue with the relationship and marry him, trusting Allah to take care of whatever the future holds OR Obey my mom. Clarification: My mom was a Christian before she married my dad and became a Muslim and she has been practicing since then, just that she believes in prophecy. My mom likes my fiance but she's just scared because of what she was told. I have discussed with my mom further about it and she said that she likes my fiance. She just doesn't want me to get in the wrong hands. She also advised that we continue to pray about it for Allah to avert whatever unforeseen evil circumstances. My dad is not aware about the prophecy issue yet. He also doesn't believe in prophecy anyways.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Masha Allah, you have found a  good man to marry, that your parents like and you have known him for all this time as a pious and trustworthy man. This sounds like an ideal situation for a marriage, but unfortunately, your mother now has her concerns after some pastoral counselling that she recently sought that suggested this marriage will not be a good one and that you should leave. Understandably, as your mother, she is concerned. She wants what’s best for you and does not want you to end up in a bad marriage. The counsellor she saw has led her to believe that this will be the case. Therefore, for your sake, despite the fact she likes him, she doesn’t want things to end badly and is advising you to leave.

 

Firstly, when you use the word ‘prophecy’ if you are referring to fortune telling, then Islamically this is haram. Such people may well hear stories that may be true or may not, but they can be influenced by the Jinn and as we know the Jinn will always be seeking to bring discord into marriages and relationships, so of course they will advise against anything that could result in a happy marriage. If this is the case, then please do disregard the information from the counsellor and do not act on it. However, the best thing you can do is to pray to Allah. Specifically,  pray istikhara that Allah will guide you do what’s best for this situation. If the marriage is meant to be then He will allow it to happen and if it’s not then He will turn your heart from it and put obstacles in the way. This way your actions will be guided by Allah and not by the words of someone who may be seeking counsel from somewhere that is Islamically unacceptable. You might also advise your mother to take the same steps too in accordance with Islam. Given that she is a revert to Islam, it may be that she needs educating on the matter and the dangers of fortune tellers.

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Either way, as well as praying for guidance, also be sure to seek protection from Shaytan and the evil eye. Your situation of finding a good spouse with the support of your family is one that many desire to have so it is possible that you could easily become a victim of the evil eye. Therefore, do remember to always remember Allah in everything you do whilst seeking refuge from Shaytan. Remember to read your morning and evening adhkar to seek protection and remain safe.

 

However, it may also be that this counsellor is actually advising against the dangers of being in a relationship before marriage as you are present, especially if it is that you are meeting with one another alone without your mahram present. In which case, he may be advising for your best interests based on what he knows is pleasing in the eyes of Allah. He is saying that because of this a relationship and marriage to him is not acceptable and you should seek a husband through the means determined in Islam where you will not be in a situation where you are alone together, until after marriage.

 

This is only something that you will be able to know for sure, but is worth considering both potential possibilities and how they might affect the outcome of your marriage in the future. Understanding the intention of the counsellor may also help you greatly in making a decision as to whether it is best to obey your mother and leave the relationship, or continue and leave it to Allah. Consider both potential outcomes and consider the benefits and weaknesses of taking each path. Ultimately, what is most important to you and what will be most pleasing to Allah. Make istikhara during this time of consideration and He will surely guide you to make the best choice.

 

May Allah guide you to make the best decision and grant you a righteous spouse who will bring you happiness and success in this life and the next.

I love my mother but she has a problem. She is always angry at me and says she cares about me but she does not stop hitting me. When I was six she got a hanger and started hitting me and slapping me sooo much that my ear started to bleed. Then when I was 11 she got a pencil and sliced the skin down my arm. Today it was my birthday and I had been sick with a virus for a week and was very sick unable to go to school and she took the front of my hair out, kicked me in my stomach and then scratched my stomach with scissors. All I did was cry and un to my room because when cutting my birthday cake she sat on the sofa and was on facebook and dd not even bother to wish me happy birthday. She hits me so much and I know sometimes I can be bad but I just can not keep up with this. how can i stop this without making her angry. I was hoping to know about it in a more Islamic way. How am i supposed to deal with it without fighting back? It is my natural instinct to try and hit her back and i do not want to she just hits me so hard i cannot bear the pain.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh dear sister,

 

The first thing you need to know in your situation is that you are not to blame for all this and the way your mother is treating you is entirely unacceptable. Yes, she is your mother and Islamically you should hold her in high regard, but this does not mean that you should sit back and passively endure such abuse. We are supposed to obey our parents, but when they are behaving unislamically like this you are not obliged to obey her.

 

However, understandably, you also love your mother and want to find a better way to deal with your scenario. Islam teaches us a number of things about how to deal with oppression, that you could use to make your situation easier.

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As her child, she knows that you love her unconditionally and that is why you continue to endure such abuse. This makes you an easy target for her anger, but it also does not make her behavior ok. Unfortunately for you, in this situation you become an easy target for her anger because unlike most others, you stick around and endure it, allowing her to vent her anger towards you. What you might consider doing is finding someone else close to you such as another family member who you can spend some time within the meantime. This will give you the space to have time away from the abuse as well as giving her the space to miss you and appreciate you. This will also give her the chance to find alternative ways to manage her anger as you will not be around to be her target.

 

Islam teaches us to repel evil with better, and certainly, you should respect her but her behavior is not ok, so at the very least the best response you can give to aggressive behavior is to say nothing in response to her immediate action. The fact is, it seems like she needs some help in overcoming her anger problem. Saying nothing about it, in the long run, will not be of use to either of you as you will continue to be abused and she will continue to use unislamic ways to manage her feelings. Perhaps something has happened in her life that is causing her to harbor such anger. In which case she really needs to seek counselling for this. This will help her to overcome the emotional side of things as well as learning more appropriate ways to deal with her anger. It might be that you approach your local imam, or ask someone who can do so on your behalf to have a talk with her about what she is doing. He will be able to advise her on the best ways she can manage herself. It will also be comforting to you to know that someone else is aware of the situation. She may also feel less inclined to behave aggressively knowing that someone else knows about her unacceptable behavior.

 

In the meantime, continue to pray that Allah softens her heart. Find comfort in the remembrance of Allah and be confident that He can change her heart for the better. Be a good role model to her by openly practicing Islam in front of her which may also work to soften her heart. During times where she is not behaving angrily, be kind to her, as difficult as this may be also, but behaving kindly towards her, again, might be a way to soften her heart. People generally find it difficult to behave aggressively towards those who are kind to us. Again, this does not excuse her behavior at all but might be a way to improve relations between you amongst the other points listed above.

 

May Allah reward your patience and bring you ease during these difficulties. May He soften the heart of your mother and improve relations between you.

Salam. I was inlove with 3 girls which I did istihara, what I saw was my two class pupils(female)though the first was fair incomplexion and the was dark, and that was how it appears in my dream using the complexion of the pupils, what I saw was the fair1 was pregnant and i was with her while the dark1 was behind us,all the drama was in the class room,the next day I pray 4 God to make it clear to me which i later dreamt i was with the fair 1, sir all these dreams i never saw the 3rd girl.in fact, the fair girl is married with twins and the second i lost feelings for her because she heard an attitude am not ok with and third wear still communicating but my parent those not like her tribe...I am confused.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

I’m not in a position to interpret dreams or the outcome of istikhara, but I can give you some guidance in how you can seek such interpretation and how to manage your situation.

 

Firstly, it’s important to know that the outcome of istikhara is not just how you see it in dreams, in fact, it may well be that the reason you dream of these girls on more than one occasion is simply that you are thinking of them. It seems other signs have come to you, other than dreams in that your heart seems to have been turned away from them now.  This could also potentially be a sign of Allah answering your istikhara. Istikhara is a means of asking Allah to guide you and if something is meant for you then everything will happen to enable this outcome to occur. If it is not meant to be, then Allah will place obstacles in your way or change your heart in such a way what you will turn towards what is best for you. Keeping this information in mind you can see for yourself what your situation and occurrences in your life seem to be pointing to.

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There is no limit to how many times you can pray istikhara, so do continue to do so until you feel clear about which path to take. Keep in mind also, that maybe none of these girls are for you. Maybe Allah has someone else for you and if you continue with istikhara Allah will make that path clear and guide you to it.

 

Whilst you are in this situation make sure to keep all your intentions pure and keep within the boundaries of Islam. It might also be worth noting here that if it is that you are a teacher and 2 of these girls that you desired to marry are pupils, then you need to be aware of professional and ethical boundaries of pursuing relationships with your students. In many countries this is a criminal offense, so be sure to stay within the boundaries of the law also.

 

When seeking marriage, it is also useful to be active in seeking a spouse. So, whilst praying for your ideal partner, you also need to actively seek them also. Make sure to do so in the correct way that will please Allah. It may be that you make it public that you are seeking marriage via friends and family, who may know of a lady also seeking marriage who can arrange a meeting with her in the presence of her mahram. Otherwise, if you have anyone in mind,  then you can approach her family in seeking a meeting to see if she could be your spouse. This way you can also get a feeling for how your families get on, which is always useful for a successful marriage.

 

If it is that it is the third girl that you would like to propose to, then your family need to understand that whatever tribe she belongs to should not matter at all, that in fact it is her piety and taqwa that is far more important and will hold more of an effect on your happiness and success within marriage. Perhaps arranging for both families to meet will also work to counter their beliefs about her tribe when they see that she is a good woman from a good family who will be a good spouse to you, their son.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.