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Ask about Parenting (Live Session)

Hannah Morris
20 August, 2017

Dear Brother/Sisters,

We’re glad to announce that Ask about Parenting section is going to hold its next counseling live session on August 22d at 08:30 GMT/ 11:30 Makkah time.

If you have any question related to raising children, parenting or teenager issues, feel free to submit it during the session on this page or send it beforehand to [email protected]

The service is completely anonymous!

Tuesday, Aug. 22, 2017 | 11:30 - 13:30 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam Aleikom sister Hannah. I live in a Muslim country where animals on dhul hijjah day are cut on the streets, everywhere. his actuallt scares my child who is 6 years old. She dislikes this holiday a lot. How to make her love it?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Firstly,  Wishing you an Eid Mubarak in advance. Alhamdulillah, you live in a Muslim country where your child is exposed to Islam on a regular basis. However, this also means that she is exposed to things that, at the age of 6, she finds unpleasant such as the slaughtering of animals for Eid. Understandably, at this young age, this has gone on to create a negative association with Eid she sees animals being killed on this special day. Ultimately, this is making her dislike the day altogether which is unfortunate as it is one of the 2 special days in our calendar to rejoice, celebrate and be happy. There are some things that you can do to try and make the experience more enjoyable for her. Although, do also understand that you will need patience as it might take time to change her mind as at the moment she is associating Eid with killing animals.

Firstly, engage her in the fun activities at home related to Eid. There are many online resources,  printable activity packs for example that she can do at home to have fun doing Eid related activities, therefore working on building a positive association with Eid. You can make decorations for the house. Allow her to take some control, and make paintings and flags to decorate the house. Let her lead the fun experience of Eid within the household to make it an occasion that she will look forward to each year.

However, it is also an obligation to slaughter for Eid, so we cannot hide this from our children also and to continue to shelter her from this and not expose her to it entirely can be unhelpful also. So, it is still necessary for her to be exposed to this, but it can be done in such a way that makes it less scary and more positive. Firstly, educating her in why we slaughter for this Eid. Naturally, if she doesn’t know why, then to see animals being randomly killed on the streets will be traumatic. Having an understanding of why can lessen the impact of this. Furthermore, going beyond the slaughter and explaining how we give the meat to the poor and needy can also turn a negative experience into a positive one as she becomes aware that good can come out of this seemingly cruel act. To strengthen this aspect further, you might cook this meat with her and go with her to give it to the poor so that she can see the value of killing these animals also for the good of feeding those who do not have food to eat. Let her be fully involved in this process so that she can experience the joy of feeding a poor people with the meat that she has just seen the slaughter. Let her feel the reward of having cooked the food and made the lives of those who do not have more comfortable. This will help to further strengthen her positive associations with this special occasion.

May Allah was the concerns of your daughter and grant you and your family a blessed Eid.

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Salam. We always read and hear about mothers preparing for having children; mothers raising their children, and the role of the mother in the child’s life. But what about the fathers? What’s their role, how do they affect their child’s life, and what are the tasks of a father from early childhood to adolescence besides providing for his family financially? JazakAllah!



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

This is a is a good question, as like you say, we do often hear about the mother’s role in raising children, and most commonly hear about the father’s role as the provider, but the other roles of the father can often be neglected on the topic. It is useful for the father or fathers to be to also be aware of their other roles also in order to do the best in the role and be well prepared for it before fatherhood. Being prepared like this will enable them to do the best job which will ultimately result in healthier children.

Certainly, in Islam, it is emphasized that the primary role of the father is to provide for the family, but the father can also help not only directly, but also indirectly by supporting the mother in her role also. The father can be directly involved in all the same tasks as the mother in raising children, from getting them ready in the morning, educating them and playing with them also. Indirectly, the father can help by allowing the mother to have a break for the day, or at least a couple of hours to allow her to rest and recuperate from the demanding nature of the role of a mother on a day to day basis. This may involve taking care of the children alone for a short while or helping her with household chores whilst she tends to the children. A mother who is well rested will be in a better physical and emotional state to take good care of her children. This time alone with the children can help the father to appreciate the role that a mother fulfills on a day to day basis and develop a sense of love and respect for her role within the family. These strengthened relations between mother and father will ultimately be good for the children also.

From a psychological perspective, when a father engages in the upbringing of a child and has a large input in their day to day up bringing it will help to strengthen bonds with the children nurturing a sense of protection and security which is related to a healthy upbringing. It also gives the children to potentially experience a different style of parenting, which can be useful for example if the children have different interests that perhaps the mother is less likely to engage in. For example, a shared interest in soccer between father and son means that the son, in this case, gets to engage in a fun activity with their father with the same passion in a way that perhaps the mother could not provide if she does not have the same interest.

Psychological literature also supports the notion that a fathers involvement in their child up brings can have significant effects on the psychological health of the child all the way through to adulthood. Receiving love openly from both the mother and father tends to lead to a secure and happy individual that strives well in many realms of life. Furthermore, the support between husband and wife, which is also viewed by the children will also be conducive to a happy childhood and better relationships with others in adulthood.

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A relationship with the father will also seek to provide the children with an idea of the role of men generally in society and what their role will be as they grow up, or as a girl, what she should expect from a good husband.

May Allah reward you for seeking to understand the full benefits of fatherhood as well as motherhood and its impact on raising healthy children. May Allah grant you righteous, pious children who will be the coolness of your eyes.

Salam Aleikom. What’s your opinion, which is better in regards to a child’s development: homeschooling or public school? My child has still a year to go to school, yet I am thinking a lot about this issue. I am not sure which one to choose. Thank you!



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Whether to homeschool your child or not is an important dilemma that many parents go through as their children reach school going age. There are many things to think about in weighing up the options and the decision is made more difficult by the fact that it is a decision that will affect your child’s future. The good news is, is that there are many benefits to either approach and historically, children have been successful schooled using both options. You have done the right thing in thinking about this important decision ahead of time as it will give you a chance to be fully prepared either way.

In order to make the decision that is best in your case is to consider your individual circumstances. This will depend for example on your location and access to resources. For example, if you live in a rural area, then often homeschooling can be a useful option as it saves lengthy school runs on a daily basis. Likewise, if there are no good schools in your local area and you fear your child will be influenced in a negative way by their peers, then homeschooling can be a means to protect them from this.

Homeschooling, however, is very time to consume as you yourself will be the teacher and therefore it is a full-time job in itself, which obviously if you are working may prove very difficult from a practical perspective. You need to be very dedicated to homeschooling in planning which tasks your child will do each day that will be in line with their level of ability. It can be a very challenging role, but also incredibly rewarding. It might seem quite daunting at first as it may seem like there is a lot to think about, but there are also lots of support groups for other fellow homeschooling parents like yourself. Depending on your location, you may even find such support groups in a face to face environment. Parents will often organize to meet up and do activities together. This can be very useful, as one of the concerns that parents have about homeschooling is that their children might miss out on the social interaction that comes with attending a public school. Meet ups like this allow children to have social interaction and for parents to exchange ideas. Alternatively, you can simply enroll them in clubs such as sports where they will be able to interact with other children also.  If you live somewhere more remote than this might not be an option, but there are however many online support groups where you can ideas from others that will improve your skills and make homeschooling even more enjoyable for both you and your child. This is one of the benefits of homeschooling; that you are the one in control of what is being taught and you can teach it in a way that you know will be more compatible with your child’s individual way of learning. In a public school environment, there is often the concern that perhaps the child will not get the one on one attention that homeschooling can provide, or that the style of teaching will not work with their child. Homeschooling overcomes these difficulties.

However, as you can see, homeschooling can be very time consuming and hard work and sending your child to a public school would save the stress and give you reassurance that they are being taught according to the national curriculum, as well as being given the chance to interact with their peers on a daily basis as well as having access to multiple resources and books to assist their learning.

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Whichever choice you make, be patient with it for a time and in sha Allah it will work out. However, also know that if it really doesn’t work out, then you can always switch to the other method of schooling.

Ultimately you need to take time to really ponder over your options and which you feel will work best for you in your circumstances. Whilst you consider these options, pray istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to make the best decision.

May Allah reward you for looking out for your child’s best interests. May He bless you with a pious child that will be a righteous, upstanding pillar of the community.

Aoa. I'm 19years old and a Muslim girl...my problem is like same as other I love my parents but the problem, where I get stuck, is they don't understand me how I feel from what I'm going through.... Whatever I say my mom say no don't say u r younger girls don't talk like this...I'm interested in a guy and obviously we want to get married as in Islam it is not to commit these things make it halal if a guy is nice... I want to but I can't talk to my parents about him because they won't understand and they will insult me I think because of they in my age they never talk like this...and those girls who talk about their marriages and much are not good. Please kindly help me out how to make them understand because I don't think seeing this all that if I will talk or share my thoughts with them because I don't want to commit sin they won't understand. They think and say I'm just a little kid...



Wa alaikum salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa barakatuh sister,

You have now reached an age where you desire to get married and have found someone who you believe is suitable. However, you are afraid that if you approach your parents about the matter they will not agree to it because they still think of you as a kid.

You desire to get married is a good one. You desire to get married to stop yourself from falling into sin, which is one of the main reasons why marriage is prescribed to us as it gives us a means to have our needs met in a halal way and most importantly, a way that is acceptable to Allah. In Islam we are also encouraged to marry young and therefore at your age, 19, it is not necessarily too young to get married from an Islamic perspective. Your reasons to get married therefore are entirely justified and your parents should understand that. However, do try to also understand things from their perspective also and this might make it easier for you to approach them me appropriately. Understand that they will also be worried about you getting married at this age. Firstly, because as their daughter, naturally, they will be anxious to let you go and may have a hard time accepting and man as the one who will take over their current role of taking care of you. That can be difficult for parents to accept. So, their attitude towards you may not necessarily be because they think of you as a kid as such, but more a result of their anxieties for your future.

There a couple of things to think of at this point. Firstly, you must ensure that any contact you have with this person that you wish to marry is kept completely halal. Do not have any contact with him (even via phone or the internet) without a mahram present. This is for your own protection. As you know already, contact like this can lead to other things such as zina, which is a grave sin Islamically and displeasing to Allah. If you are both serious about marriage then it is important to stick to this, especially whilst you try to convince your parents that marriage is what is good for you right now, for all the right reasons.

In the mean time, you might speak to someone you trust, ideally, an older family member who you can trust and you know will support your decision. Explain your situation to them and invite them to go with you to approach your parents about the issue. This way, you will feel more comfortable and confident to talk to your parents about it but will have a respected family member to stand by you and support you and may be more convincing to your parents as well as show them that you are completely serious about your decision. Let them see that you are doing it for the right reasons and that you want to move forward with this in the correct way. If you do not have such a family member, you could try the local Imam to do the same job for you, who will be able to advocate for the Islamic benefits of your marriage.

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Another option might be to have someone to the guy you wish to marry and have him get his own family to approach your family with a proposal. Again, this will let them know that you are serious about it and that you are going about it in the most respectable and Islamic way. This way, they will be more likely to be convinced that marriage is a good option for you now as you are going about it in a mature way that illustrates that you are not the ‘kid’ that they think you are.

All this while continuing to pray to Allah to make this possible for you remaining close to Allah and keeping Him in mind to protect you from falling into the sin that you fear you might if you don’t get married.

Failing this, if you are dead serious about marrying this guy, and are sure you cannot protect yourself from sin and see marriage as the only option, you could pursue marriage without their consent, but to be fully aware that there could be dire consequences for behaving like this.

May Allah guide you to make the best choice that will be most pleasing to Him and will bring happiness to you and your family. May He grant you a spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes.

Assalamualaikum. I met a little girl (16) online and through some circumstances, we've grown really close. She considers me her elder brother and I take her as my younger sister. She's just as important to me as my own sister and there's absolutely nothing else as ppl might think. My family knows about her but she, being a bit afraid, hasn't told her family about me. To start with, is this ok? And then on, there are a few problems between her and her mother. Her mother has apparently said a few things to her in anger and that has hit her hard. She doesn't feel close to her mother and I try to make her have a frank conversation with her mum fearing these things might not end well if not taken care of early. Please advise me as to how I can help her on this. She's reluctant, to be frank with her mother. Thank you. That girl is a very good human being. She wouldn't think of hurting another soul but being so good has its own shortcomings. She tends to get hurt quite easily and that has affected the mother-daughter relationship. She also feels she isn't treated equally to her own elder brother. I'd have no problem talking to her mum about this but can't do so for two reasons. First, she wouldn't like me interacting with her mother given she's afraid her mum would think otherwise. Second, I don't think her mum would like the fact her daughter told these things to a "stranger".



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

You have been talking to a young lady online and have developed good relations with her, but you are understandably concerned about her poor relationship with her mother and how it’s affecting her.

Firstly, any interaction with this girl without her mahram present, however innocent it may seem is completely forbidden. It is advisable for the sake of Allah that you cut ties with this girl for both yours and her own sake. You say it is nothing more than friendship, but we know any interaction between man and woman alone can lead to much more even if it was never intended. This is why Allah warns us about such situations and advises us to lower our gaze. This also extends to online interactions these days as much as it does face to face as such conversations can also lead to the same devastating consequences of zina. Furthermore, it maybe that you are sure that you don’t have any feelings for her, but she may develop feelings for you, especially if you take on this protective, caring role. If you truly desire what’s in her best interests you would either cut ties or ensure any further contact with her is done in the presence of her mahram. Trust Allah’s command that a woman should be accompanied by her mahram for good reasons. At the age of 16, yes, she is young, but she is a woman and old enough to require a mahram.

It is unfortunate that she is suffering from bad relations within her family, and whilst it is honorable that you want to help her, it is advisable that you do not get involved in such matters. Not only is it not your business, but you have only heard one side of the story. Finally and importantly as you suggest, there could be severe consequences for her having been in close contact with a non-mahram male.

What you can do however is make du’a for her. Making du’a for her is a way you can feel comforted that Allah will be the one to assist in this situation; the only one who can truly make things better for this girl and her mother. You can also find comfort in the knowledge that you are doing the best thing that you can for her, and that you are doing it in an acceptable way that is more pleasing to Allah than continuing contact with this young lady and involving yourself in her family matters.

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May Allah reward your concern for her, but please keep in mind what this could lead to in how you conduct yourself moving forward. May Allah bring ease to the girl that you speak of rebuild relation between her and her mother.