Answer
Answer:
As Salamu ‘Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh dear sister,
Given the situation, you have been quite diplomatic about it. It is extremely difficult to talk about such personal issues when it is important to a spouse to remain silent, but for your husband the issue is obviously quite embarrassing. This should give you a clue.
For a newly married husband, in general, he has certain expectations of himself as a man and as a provider. When the husband learns certain things about himself that questions his sense of manhood, he will find it difficult to turn to someone, especially the wife, to seek a solution. He may be so concerned about it that he might not even have the mental-emotional space needed to realize that the reasons might be other than what he fears:
- Not happy in his work
- Insecure about the future
- Finds the pace of life is too fast
- Too many demands/pressures
- Family problems
- Medication, especially anti-depressants
- Low level of the male hormone testosterone
- Diabetes
- Something that happened in the past
- Depression
- Low self-esteem
It could be none of these reasons, or it could be one, but you will never know until you begin to talk with each other as friends. Friendship in marriage is so undervalued when it is the essential quality that allows a husband and wife to share their joys and woes, strengths and weaknesses. Whatever fears one might have, they are more likely to be shared amongst friends.
As a relatively newly married couple, you are still getting to know one another, and time should be allowed for that, discovering each other’s likes and dislikes. If you can place more importance on nurturing friendship, this at least will ease the pressure your husband might be feeling to behave in the way you seek.
It is wrong to believe that everything falls into place simply because you are married. So, as much as you want it to work out in a particular way, try to remember that this marriage is the coming together of two individuals who have needs, desires, ambitions, weaknesses, and limitations. With all of that comes the need for mental space, and that space is important for self-understanding, reflection, and self-growth. Marriage in Islam is not about being so wrapped up in each other so that there is no room for the outside world; it is about mutual development towards, service, compassion, and the true meaning of unconditional love or love for the sake of Allah (swt).
Salam,
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