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Teens and Parents (Live Session)

Aisha Mohammad
07 February, 2017

Salam ‘Alaykum Dear brothers and sisters,

 

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohamed Swan, for answering the questions

 

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Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

 

Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

[email protected]

 

 

 

Teens and Parents (Live Session) - About Islam Teens and Parents (Live Session) - About IslamTeens and Parents (Live Session) - About Islam

Thursday, Feb. 09, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

As-salamu `alaikum, we are a conservative Muslim family living in a Muslim country. I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl. The boy is 6-year old and we wanted to give him a good education, so we enrolled him in an international school, but we noticed that the school - as the case with all international schools - is marking almost western occasions like Christmas, Halloween and Valentine etc. I started to worry that this might affect my son’s Islamic background and make him grow up in an un-Islamic atmosphere like the one he finds in the school. What’s your advice? Shall I change the school or I should not worry about that? 



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing with your most important concern. May Allah reward you for wanting to give your son a good education. While I am not an Islamic scholar, it appears to me that as long as your son has a solid Islamic upbringing at home, then the things he see’s or learns at school about different holiday’s should not influence his Islamic beliefs nor stance. In fact, often times children exposed to other cultures, religions and belief systems grow up more balanced and adjusted.

 

They are often more firmly rooted in their Islamic beliefs as they realize that everyone is not the same and that they are Muslim. As they want to be respected as Muslims, they are taught to respect others as well. So while yes they do learn other cultures and religions, they also learn a deeper pride and respect for Islam as they discuss their beliefs with others who may not be familiar. Therefore, they may need a deeper knowledge of Islam in order to discuss certain issues (such as holidays) with non-Muslims. Muslim children in schools in the UK or USA use holidays as a way to do dawah and teach others about Islam; about our holidays and about why we don’t celebrate valentine’s day or Christmas. If the schools are truly international and progressive, they have special days wherein each group of children talk about their holidays and beliefs so everyone learns.

 

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By exposing your son to various holidays you are preparing him to deal effectively with different groups of people in the world with different belief systems, while maintaining his Islamic identity and belief system. Many times students who study abroad who have never been exposed to holidays and different practices fall victim to their curiosity and it’s mysterious nature and hence they indulge in the festivities. This can lead to getting lax in habits of Islamic principles and cause one to get involved in wrong practices. However, if someone has been exposed to something all of their lives and has been taught that it is other people’s way of life not ours, then the curiosity is not there. They are used to it.

 

While only you can determine what is best for your son, I kindly suggest that you continue to build a solid Islamic foundation at home, keep the lines of communication open and ask him what new thing has he learned in school on a weekly basis. When holidays do come up, you may want to ask him how he feels about these holidays and then maybe read with him a story about the origin of the particular holiday, and explain to him why we do not celebrate it. As he is young, insha’Allah reminding him of our wonderful holidays will fill him with joy and pride as a Muslim. We wish you and your son the best!

Salaams Counselor, I have 2 girls, the youngest is 3-year old. I stopped breastfeeding her when she was 2-year old, but since then, she never sleeps without touching my breasts and putting her hand on them. When I try to stop her from doing this, she starts crying and screaming, is that normal? And what shall I do to change this behavior?   



As-salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for your most important question. It is very common for children of this age to continue to fondle, want to touch and caress their mother’s breast after breastfeeding has ended. Children usually do this as they associate the breasts with food and comfort . Often this last up to a year or longer as the association lingers. This has been referred to as the last stages of weaning. As she is still young and it has been a year, it may have turned into a habit that is comforting to her.

 

I would kindly suggest sister that you provide her with lots of extra cuddles at bedtime as well as putting her hand on your cheek to stroke it and then kiss her hand and hug her. In time insha’Allah she will associate the warmth of your face and your kiss and snuggles with security and comfort. She will continue to try to touch your breasts for awhile as she knows this to be the source of comfort, food and your scent. By replacing that with your cheek and letting her stoke your cheek and re-enforcing that with kisses and cuddles, she will insha’Allah transfer the need to touch your breasts to the need for a goodnight cheek, kiss and snuggle.

 

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When she does try to touch your breast you can begin to wean her from that by wearing a shirt that is hard to access your breasts and state “oh mommy is cold, so only one time over my shirt.” If this suffices then put her hand on your cheek and reward her with a kiss and snuggle. Insha’Allah with repetition and patience she will begin to lose interest in your breasts as she begins to enjoy a more mature way of self comfort, with you still being her source of origin. She will also take comfort in the loving eye contact that you can also provide while she touches your cheek.

 

You are not alone in this issue sister! Other mom’s have had this issue and have used various diversion tactics. Some other ways to break this habit is to suddenly substitute a new cuddly toy when the child reaches for the breast. This usually surprises the child, and mom and child can sit comfortably cuddling while briefly playing with the new toy. Other mom’s have said “Oh wait a minute sweetie, I need to get so and so…” and left the room for a few minutes and upon their return, their child has forgotten about the breast. Some have used a cute hot water bottle in the shape of a furry bear or animal to get their child used to stroking or cuddling the furry warm toy. Whatever method you use sister, just be consistent and in time your daughter will not be as clingy concerning your breasts.

 

I would kindly suggest not making this a major, traumatic issue with her because as stated, it is part of the weaning process. The more you say no and deny, the bigger of a deal it will be to her as she may feel you are rejecting her from her source of comfort and security. Insha’Allah, by replacing your breasts with another means of comfort and decreasing access to your breasts which will reduce the touching time, she will be fully weaned in no time!

 

We wish you the best sister.

 

 I'm married to a good man for 12 years. We have 3 kids: 10, 7,5. The problem is that we're not happy with our marriage any more. I think both of us stopped to love the other and life has been too dull for many years. We are thinking about divorce nowadays and the most hard thing about it is the kids. I don't know how to approach them regarding this decision of separation between myself and their father. Please tell me how to talk to them about the matter ,especially the younger ones.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to us with your very important concern. While you did not give much details on why you wanted to divorce other than you stopped loving each other and life is dull, I would encourage you both to first look at how you can change your marriage so that you both feel renewed, in love and excited about being married to each other. While I know that was not the question (and I will get to your question) I do feel that often times couples fall into a “rut” wherein day in and day out it is work, childcare, household tasks, and doing things to keep the family going.

 

While this is necessary in life, it is also important to have a balance in marriage. That means for the husband and wife to take time out for each other. Every relationship needs to be nurtured to be kept alive, especially marriages. I encourage you sister to please insha’Allah try to save your marriage first before giving up. Set up a date night. Yes, a date with your husband. Try to make it a weekly date wherein the two of you go out and get to know each other again. Do something fun, different, challenging you both to rekindle that love you once had. You may also consider seeing if your local Islamic Center has classes for married couples in regards to “Rekindling the Love”.

 

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I know in my area some Masjid’s held seminars and a series of weekly classes for married couples who had “fallen out of love” or were in need of some marriage revival. Marital counseling may help sister as well as each of you making a list of the reasons why you feel in love with each other in the first place. This is often done in marriage counseling classes but can be done independently as well. I highly suggest it, as it often acts as reminders as well as brings couples closer to each other and to solutions to their issues. When we can recall why we loved someone, it is easier to repair a lost love than if we do not know what it is we loved in the first place.

 

As you have been married and have had 3 children in 12 years, you both have probably been very busy with them, with little time for yourselves. When was the last time you laughed together? Did something silly? Went away for the weekend or even for a night out alone? In rediscovering each other, you may rediscover your love as well. It is worth a try. As you said he is a good man, and you offer no other complaints sister, please do reconsider. Give it a try. You may find the charming best friend you fell in love with and he may find her as well!

 

If you both are insistent upon divorce I would highly suggest that you do speak with an imam about your status concerning the availability of divorce to you. Divorce is a serious action which Allah does hate but is permissible under certain conditions. As I am not an Islamic Scholar, please do consult one regarding this decision. And please sister, ensure that both you and your husband make ishtakharra prayer regarding divorce. As far as telling your children, I would kindly suggest that both you and your husband sit down with your children at a time where there is no stress. Preferably on a weekend or an evening when they do not have school the next day. I would explain to them that you both love them very much and that while you have respect for each other you have decided to divorce/separate in order to have happier lives.

 

Please do tell them that they are wonderful children and nothing that they did-or did not do caused this. Explain that the reasons are strictly between both of you and this decision has nothing to dob with them. Insha’Allah, please do have a plan of action to present to them which will include the date of the separation (when one of you leaves the home), how the children will communicate with the absent parent; how often and what days they will see the absent parent; how this may affect things in their future home life; any immediate changes in their home life; as well as how interactions with in-laws will be.

 

Please do insha’Allah give them time after you have told them to ask questions, express emotions (there may be anger, crying or silence) or respond otherwise. Please do be patient with them an answer their questions honestly and fully.
Divorce is never easy on children, especially if they do not see outward signs of dysfunction such as constant arguing, abuse, etc. Even then it is hard on children but in their minds they often are not as surprised as children who feel secure that their parent’s marriages are intact.

 

Insha’Allah sister, you and your husband can find it within your hearts to try to renew your love and relationship for both of your sake’s as well as for the children. If not, we wish you the best and you are in our prayers.

My 4-year-old daughter is very attached to her father. She is very jealous when it comes to my relationship with her father. she gets mad when he touches or kiss me in front of her! At the beginning, we used to laugh at this but I feel the matter is getting serious now. Sometimes, I think she hates me and I'm worried about my future relationship with her. please advise.



As-salamu alaykum sister,

 

It is very common for little girls to be attached to their fathers’ at this age. It is called a “Daddy’s girl” phase. It is said little boys often go through an attachment phase to their moms’ as well. Please see other mother’s experiences with this with their son’s.

 

It seems your daughter is vying for your husband’s attention and is displaying anger at not being the center of his attention all the time!

 

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As at first it was cute and the two of you would laugh at her jealous outbursts, perhaps she is expecting the same response and maybe now your response is different, while hers is not. It can be confusing to her that at one time it was funny and you both probably gave in to her demands for his time and affection thus interrupting your usual hugs or kisses to attend to her. Now that things have either intensified or you and your husband see an unhealthy pattern in her anger it is rightfully so that it is corrected. While I can assure you that insha’Allah she will outgrow this phase, the issue of using anger to get what one wants needs to be addressed.

 

Your daughter is at the age wherein she is learning about relationships. In fact children at this age are creative and often play “mommy & daddy” . Given that she is attached to your husband right now, and in a little while that may change and she may be attached to you-I would continue to show affection around her as it is important for children to see their parents showing mutual love and affection for one another.

 

I would kindly suggest that if your husband is giving you a hug or kiss that you begin with a group hug and kiss to include her. That way, she doesn’t feel left out or insecure about not being part of a family hug. From there I would kindly suggest that you and your husband have your snuggle, hug or kiss without her. If she gets upset, ignore her outburst and go on about your business. While it may take persistence and patience on both of your parts, soon insha’Allah she will learn that mommy and daddy can love each other and love her too. As her focus is on her father right now, she will learn insha’Allah that daddy can love mommy and love her too. Insha’Allah she will also learn that anger and outbursts will not get the results she wants.

 

At 4 years old, your daughter is still learning how to express her emotions. As her parents’ it is up to you to help her express her fears, needs and desires in appropriate ways. Concerning the jealousy or fear of the loss of your husband’s attention , the more a negative behavior gets attention, the more it is reinforced. While I am not sure how she is displaying anger, if it is hitting or other physical altercations those must be obviously stopped and she must be firmly told “no” and redirected to a positive activity. If she is crying, complaining or otherwise, it won’t hurt to ignore it. When she does stop her temper tantrum, please do embrace her in a family hug and kiss. This will help her identify positive behaviors which produce positive outcomes, as well as re-enforce her feelings of being loved. It will also teach her that even though you and your husband love each other, you both love her too.

 
As far as your concern about her hating you or worrying about a future relationship with her, please remember sister that this is just a normal phase children go through and it will soon pass. In fact, in a short time you may be the center of her world and your husband will be excluded and then the whole process starts again! Please do read the other comments on mamapedia  and I am sure you will relate to how they are feeling as well as coping with this phase children often go through. We wish you the best sister you are in our prayers.

 

Salam Aleikom dear counselor. My baby was born a few days ago. She has Down Syndrome. It was a shock for us as the doctors did not say anything prior to delivery that my baby has any problem. I cannot stop crying. My husband cannot accept the situation, and thinking of giving the child to foster parents. He says I need to choose: him or the baby. I dunno what to do as I love my husband and we had an amazing marriage so far. But I cannot accept the idea of giving my child in adoption. What kind of mother who does that?! I cannot live with this thought but cannot lose my husband either. What do you advice me? 



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

I am sorry to hear that your child has Down’s Syndrome and even more sad to learn your husband cannot accept this and that he has given you the ultimatum of him or your child.

 

Sister, as your baby is only a few days old, there are a lot of emotions flying high right now and a lot of concerns, questions and uncertainty right now concerning your baby and the future of this child and how well you both would be equip to handle a special needs child.

 

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Concerning your husband’s ultimatum, I would highly suggest that you ask your husband for more time before having to make such a decision. It could be that your husband is so shocked, surprised and upset that he is not thinking clearly at this point. I would speak with your doctor about your husband’s reaction and ask him if it is a normal response. He may be able to give you some professional tips and advice’s on how to help your husband accept this new baby as well as give you more insight on down’s syndrome children and to the degree your child is affected. If he is not a warm type of individual or does not have time, ask a nurse to see a social worker at the hospital. Also I would kindly suggest insha’Allah you request to speak with your imam who may offer practical tips in the way of Islamic rulings as giving up your child is a serious issue.

 

Allah SWT tries us with what He will. In the Qur’an it states

 

“Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. “Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people.” (Quran 2:286 ).

 

As you can see sister, we are all tried in this life. We are tried with many things. If Allah puts us through a trial and we have iman, insha’Allah, Allah will grant blessings and ease as we deal with our trials. In many instances our trials do turn out to be blessings or lessons which bring us closer to Allah. It is up to us to do our best with what we are given. To not give up, give in or take an easier road. You may want to ask your husband why he wants to give up his child. Is it to make his life easier? Is it to avoid shame and embarrassment? If not-what is it then? Often times what we view as an undesirable thing, turns out to be very good indeed for us.

 

We also have a responsibility to the precious children that we have brought into this world. And as you know, adoption is not permitted in Islam. These are some of the things insha’Allah you and your husband need to discuss once some time has passed and the shock of having a baby with down’s syndrome has settled some. Right now is not a good time to make decisions nor press on these issues. It is a time however, for you both to become more educated about down’s syndrome, the degree to which your daughter is affected as well as resources available to you as parents.

 

It would also be a time to speak with other families who have children with down’s syndrome to see how they feel and how they have managed. When you both have become sufficiently aware and educated on what a down’s syndrome child entails, then you both can make a more informed decision. As your baby was just born, it is not fair to anyone , including and especially her-to make the decision to give her away. I understand your and your husband’s shock, fear and hurt, but I also understand that with time things can get better. I do encourage you sister to bond with your baby. Hold her, snuggle with her. She needs you! And she needs her dad. If possible I would also try to encourage your husband to hold her, to try to bond with her. Don’t push it, just offer her to him when you are holding her.

 

If your husband see’s you holding her, smiling and snuggling with her, this may calm his fears and warm his heart. Insha’Allah sister, you will be able to do this quickly as your baby is a few days old and the world may feel cold and scary to her if you are not there holding her and comforting her. She may already feel rejected and insha’Alah you want to prevent her from feeling this way.

 

With that said, I will say that down’s syndrome children have been some of the most happiest, easy to raise children I have seen. They are a joy, and certainly a gift from Allah. While they do have some extra needs yes, they also provide added joy and happiness to families. While they may not accomplish exactly what their parents may have in mind, they can be very successful and lead quite normal lives.

 

I encourage you to read about sister Hiba al-Shurafa, who is a 26 teacher with down’s syndrome. Not only has she completed her training to be a teacher through the Right to Live Society, but she has also teaches students who have down syndrome. She teaches classes in Arabic, Science, English, Social Studies and Religion. She is quite an inspiration to all and illustrative that people with down’s syndrome can and do lead full, productive lives. Sister Hiba does credit her parent’s however for their care, support and encouragement.

The Electronic Intifada states:

 

“Nuha Abu Shaban, Hiba’s mother, told The Electronic Intifada that when Hiba was just six weeks old, she took her to the Emirate of al-Sharjah, and what is now the Sharjah City for Human Services. There, Abu Shaban took awareness sessions, learning how to deal with a child who had Down syndrome and what to look out for in raising a person with the condition. And the family went further still. “We contacted friends from Britain to send us books, magazines and manuals from the Down Syndrome Association,” said Abu Shaban. “Her father translated these for me to study and learn how to best address Hiba’s needs.”

 
As you can see sister, even in a place as oppressed as Gaza (due to the occupation) children born with downs syndrome are being cared for. Families are finding the help that they need and slowly dismantling the stigma that sadly often comes with having a child with different abilities. While I am not sure where you live or what your resources would be if you kept your baby, I would highly suggest reaching out to other parents of children with down’s syndrome, looking into organizations which can provide support groups, training and other needed skills for raising a happy, healthy child. Please do encourage your husband to give it time and reach out to your families for support, your friends as well as community resources.

 
You asked what to do as you cannot chose between your daughter and husband. My dear sister, that is only a decision you can make. Pray to Allah about it. Insha’Allah you will not have to make the decision between your husband and your baby once some time has passed. I feel the two of you insha’Allah will make wonderful parent’s. Pray to Allah, make duaa that Allah grants ease and guides you both in the right direction. Pray on this matter with your husband. Ask your husband if you both can go to the Qur’an for answers regarding your daughter, for surely it is the foundation of life. We wish you the best sister, you are all in our prayers.

 

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