In shaa Allah, this finds you well. I am already so thankful to Allah and to you for having found this place to ask such a serious question, or rather, series of questions.
Some background: I'm married for almost 6 years with three beautiful children. I was diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD when I was a child. My path to Islam allowed me to be convinced it wasn’t really a metal health issue, but that I was in a state of ignorance and that finding Islam would resolve my issues. Armed with this knowledge I asked my GP, to step me safely down off of the mood stabilizer I had been taking. I took my last dose during collage years.
Fast forward, I met my husband on an Islamic marriage site. He's from Europe, and I am Canadian. I was living with my Christian family, who love me and try to support my choice to follow another faith, but the surrounding made it very difficult to focus on my deen. My Husband is a wonderful father, a good provider, and my best friend, but he has issues with sexual addiction originating from his young adult life.
On numerous occasions, I have discovered porn, online dating profiles, explicit conversations, and even evidence of adultery. I started finding these things shortly after our oldest was born.
I confronted him and he said he was in a dark place, that it wasn’t my fault or about me, that he loved me very much, etc. I thought he would change, but my trust on him was broken. I became very suspicious. I go through his phone, always finding some way to hack into it. Every time I feel we are doing better, that he has stopped cat fishing women, I find something else.
It’s been three years of this back and forth now. This last Ramadan, I vowed I would leave it up to Allah and I would truly forgive him, but he began acting suspiciously again after we moved and I went through his phone to check. More porn, some strange phone numbers, new selfies, another secret email address and urls to the same marriage site we met on.
On two previous occasions, I had his profiles banned off of sites due to misuse according to their terms of service. He represents himself as single although we are legally married. Through all this, I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and symptoms of PTSD. We have been through a lot together.
My mother, who is diagnosed bipolar with clinical anxiety, has been trying to convince me to seek professional help for some years now. I believe I had post-partum depression serious enough to be treated, but was too ashamed to seek help and feared they would take my children because the depression makes it very difficult at times to manage anything. Somehow, I get the kids fed and dressed, to sleep on time, and watch over them to keep them safe, but it’s all too often that’s all I can manage.
The house falls to pieces; the washing and the dishes aren’t done. Toy room is littered with all their toys. I get a lot done in my manic days, but that leaves me physically exhausted and in a lot of pain from previous injury.
Even through the infidelity, once our confrontations mellow down, he swears he’s trying to stop, and that no matter what mistakes he makes he'll always come home to me. Before we got married, we discussed his previous issues with dating multiple women, committing zina etc. Part of his intentions on getting married was to combat that. I was very naive about it.
Thought surely love could conquer all. So here’s where the questions come in. How do I convince him to get help with me? I do not want divorce. I believe these tests are proof Allah wants us to come back to him, and although we struggle we do try to be reminders for each other.
Some of his family are aware of what’s been going on. As we are so far from my family in Canada and his family is Muslim, I’ve reached out to them for help. Now, I fear I may have made their already tenuous relationship very brittle. They had trouble accepting me because I am a different culture/"race" but mostly because they feared he would fall into these haraam acts and I would leave. I think I'm too stubborn for that.
I promised him I'd stay so long as he didn’t abuse me. He's never hit me, and the majority of manipulations are centered around him trying to hide his addiction. He has a quick temper. His family have related to me that he's never been like this in a relationship before. He’s tried to fix his temper problems, his behavior has improved, and before he met me, he had little to no actual asperations for life. I believe he can beat this. I want to help. I can’t change him though.
He has to do that work himself, and I think the best way for that to happen is with professional help. I can’t be the person, the wife, the mother I want to be without assessing and treating my own issues and being the Muslimah I ought to be. He's not able to guide me right now in faith, but I want to stay until he is. Our children deserve for us to be at our maximum.
He’s previously been against counselling or me seeking help from a psychologist thinking somehow it’s all in my head. I find that he is likely holding that assumption for himself and hasn’t admitted it’s bigger than that and likely also because he’s ashamed of his actions. Can you help?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Do not give up on this and continue to remain strong and patient with the situation as you work things out.
- Always remember to ask Allah (swt) to help you with your problems and ask Him (swt) to help your husband with sexual addiction problem.
- An addiction and watching porn, regardless of whether he is engaged in adultery or not, is forbidden in Islam and he does need help in overcoming this.
- You might also try directing him to an online platform where he could anonymously ask for assistance in overcoming his problem.
- Supporting someone through a serious addiction on top of having your own struggles will inevitably be very strenuous for you, so don’t neglect yourself.
As-Salamu ’Alaikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh dear sister,
Thank you for sharing your story in such detail. It can often be a good start and a therapeutic exercise to begin in writing all your troubles down.
It helps you to be very clear in how you are feeling and explore it in more depth than you might in your thoughts alone.
Alhamdulillah, it is pleasing to read that through Islam you have found a way to manage your problems without the need for any medication.
Alhamdulillah, you have found much solace in Islamic teachings.
Patience
Ma sha’ Allah, you seem to be taking many good steps in managing a difficult situation with great patience.
So, do not give up on this and continue to remain strong and patient with the situation as you work things out.
Continue to pray to Allah (swt) to assist you through this that He (swt) will continue to give you patience.
Be confident that He (swt) will hear your call and answer when the time is right.
“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” (Qur’an, 2:153)
Sometimes, it can get frustrating, like in your sitation, when things seem to get better they go right back to how they were before.
This is certainly an example of a trial of patience.
Ask Allah
Many people chose to give up at this point, but those who are patient with the test will surely reap the benefits of doing so.
Therefore, always remember to ask Allah (swt) to help you with your problems and ask Him (swt) to help your husband with sexual addiction problem.
It would seem that it is this addiction that leads him to the haram acts that you believe he is engaged in such as porn and adultery.
It’s important to be careful about making assumptions or having suspicions by engaging in going through his phone which, even though looks suspicious, does not provide concrete evidence that these accusations are true.
“Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger (saw) as saying: ’Avoid suspicion, for suspicion is the gravest lie in talk and do not be inquisitive about one another and do not spy upon one another and do not feel envy with the other, and nurse no malice, and nurse no aversion and hostility against one another. And be fellow-brothers and servants of Allah.’” (Muslim)
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Forbidden addictions
However, certainly if he has openly confessed a sexual addiction, then it is possible to address these issues without making accusations about adultery.
If he can tackle his problem of addiction, then the consequences of the addiction will also cease, in sha’ Allah.
I know this doesn’t take away the distress that you have been experiencing as a result of his addiction and the potential negative results of his addiction, but understand that such an addiction and watching porn, regardless of whether he is engaged in adultery or not, is forbidden in Islam and he does need help in overcoming this.
There are many people who resist any kind of therapeutic or psychological intervention, like you say your husband does, which can make it very difficult to assist them in overcoming such a serious problem.
You are right, you can’t change him, but there are some things you do to try and assist him and support him in overcoming it.
Reach out to community
The first thing you might try is getting support for him in your local Muslim community, perhaps by consulting your local imam.
He will be able to support and guide your husband with a more Islamic approach rather than more western therapeutic approaches that your husband is seemingly against.
This might be a more compatible approach to communicate with your husband about the seriousness of his addiction.
If the imam doesn’t feel it’s appropriate to consult with your husband directly, or your husband is unreceptive to speaking directly to him, then the imam could give a khutbah (Friday sermony) on the topic.
Thus, it won’t be a direct advice to him specifically, but to the entire congregation.
If, indeed, the reason he finds it difficut to ask for help, or feels ashamed to talk to the imam even, then maybe this would be a more appropriate route to take.
Watch lectures together
Another thing you could try is looking for Islamic lectures online given by respected scholars of Islam that address the topic (there are may available if you search on YouTube).
You could sit down and watch them together so along with getting the information he needs and the motivation to quit the habit, you will also be sitting at his side supporting him.
This support can be crucial in helping people overcoming addictions.
This might help to give the motivation to stop and also provide you with ideas of things to keep reminding him of.
You could also ask him yourself if there is any way in which you can help him with it.
Sometimes, we can get so caught up in thinking we know best how to help our loved ones, but neglect to ask what they actually want help in.
Counseling
If it is that he has a problem seeking face to face assistance via any local services, you might also try directing him to an online platform where he could anonymously ask for assistance in overcoming his problem.
Another thing you might try is fasting and encouraging him to join you.
The Prophet Muhammad (saw) suggested to those who had problems controlling their sexual desires that they fast.
“’Alqama reported: While I was walking with ‘Abdullah at Mina, ‘Uthman happened to meet him. He stopped there and began to talk with him. Uthman said to him: Abu ‘Abd al-Rahman, should we not marry you to a young girl who may recall to you some of the past of your bygone days; thereupon he said: If you say so, Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said: 0 young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes from casting (evil glances). and preserves one from immorality; but those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting for it is a means of controlling sexual desire.” (Sahih Muslim)
Fasting together
Telling him to fast might not work, but if you fast and ask him if he’d like to join you, he might be more likely to do so.
When fasting, obviously it is obligatory to abstain from sexual acts, and those things that might arouse such thoughts.
Therefore, he will be forced to make a conscious effort to avoid it.
He will be also encouraged to engage in more acts of worship to support his fast which, in sha’ Allah, will serve to strengthen his own faith and make him less likely to desire to engage in such acts that are displeasing to Allah (swt).
In time, as his faith is strengthened and he realises that he can do it, he can survive without his addiction, he will be better placed to give it up for good.
Helpful and rewarding
It is not an easy job living with someone who has an addiction.
Ma sha’ Allah, you seem to be doing a wonderful job of sticking by him and trying to help him through, whilst bearing the consequences of his actions with patience, and his family seem to recognise this. May Allah (swt) reward your efforts.
Amoungst all this, please remember that his own faults are no refelction of your own faults and you need to always keep this in mind.
Don’t ever beat yourself up about his own shortcomings.
Instead, take it as a test from Allah (swt) and you will reap the benefits of remaining patient with the whole situation and be reassured that with difficulty there is relief.
“Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.” (Qur’an, 94:6)
Remember to take care of yourself, too. Supporting someone through a serious addiction on top of having your own struggles will innevitably be very strentuous for you, so don’t neglect yourself.
Care for yourself
Postnatal depression is a very common problem and nothing to be ashamed of.
Fatigue is a common symptom of postnatal depression (as well as just that of motherhood generally, with or without postnatal depression!); therefore, not keeping on top of household tasks will naturally be a part of this.
It is something that all parents go through. It is hard work raising children, on top of managing all the household tasks, as well as having additional struggles.
Give yourself credit. Being a mother is hard work, and it’s ok to get behind with things.
Taking care of your children is the most important thing, so a few dirty dishes and piles of laundry is just a natural consequence of having so many responsibilities to your name.
Social workers/nurses/psychologist..etc. see this everyday, and as long as there is no abuse present will not likely have any concerns about anything else, accept for assisting you with your postnatal depression.
You are concerned that they might take your children away, but in fact, they are there to help you through it and give you all the help you need to cope with it and assist you in doing so.
They will be best placed to help you with your postnatal depression and help you through your recovery.
If you feel like you are struggling, then this is the best help you can get.
If you don’t get this help, it could take longer for you to recover, or even worse, your depression will only get worse.
Like you said yourself, your children deserve for you to be at your maximum, and if you need assistance to reach this maximum, then there is no shame in it.
May Allah (swt) reward your patience and continue to keep you strong in emaan.
And may He (swt) help your husband in overcoming his addiction and give you the strength to bear it on the road to his recovery, in sha’ Allah.
May He (swt) bring happiness and contentment into you home.
Salam,
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