Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Your husband should listen to you and say sorry for his behavior; Islam teaches us to control this emotion.
• Set the boundaries; don’t tolerate disrespect.
• Talk to him when he has calmed down.
As-Salam ‘Alaikum,
Thank you for writing to us. I can understand how difficult it must be for you to go through this situation with your husband. I will try my best to advise you on this matter, in sha’ Allah.
You are saying that your husband is short-tempered and gets angry over little things. What are the things he gets angry about? Is there anything you do he dislikes?
I am not saying that he has reasons to be angry and act like this upon you, but you are his wife, and you may know what “triggers” him to be wild and abuse you. Does he abuse you verbally or physically? I have got the impression that he abuses you in both ways. He has no excuse to misbehave with you, no matter what.
Anger is a natural feeling and can have negative effects; it can destroy relationships, health, and entire lives. Uncontrolled anger is the tool of Satan which can lead to many evils and tragedies. For this reason, Islam teaches us to control this emotion. It’s OK to feel angry, but it’s not acceptable when people allow it to overtake them and drive them to act in an unacceptable way. The righteous people control their anger, and if they do that, they are promised Paradise.
“And hasten to forgiveness from your Lord and a garden as wide as the heavens and earth, prepared for the righteous. Who spend [in the cause of Allah] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people – and Allah loves the doers of good. ” (Quran 3:133-134)
Your husband should listen to you and say sorry for his behavior. It’s important that you talk to him when he is not angry and calmed down. Tell him how you feel when he says harsh words to you and makes him understand when the time is right.
Domestic abuse within a relationship where there should be love and trust is an abuse of human rights. Try speaking to some close family members about this problem. Maybe, someone, your husband looks up to, so they can speak to him and guide him.
Check out this counseling audio:
Here are a few techniques to deal with an angry husband:
First of all, don’t fuel into the fire. When he is angry, leave him alone. Know that the anger is temporary and will calm down soon. Don’t put more fire into his fire as words were spoken to each other in anger usually leave scars forever.
You should wait until he is calmed down and thinks rationally. That time, you can address his anger to him. Usually, it takes 20 minutes for the adrenaline’s effect to die down.
Set some boundaries. Tell him what you are not willing to tolerate and speak to him in a good manner.
Only pick the battles you know you can win. Don’t waste time and energy on those you can’t. Of course, it is not about winning or losing. Rather, it is about finding the issues and see what are worth tackling vs. those just need to blow over.
Do not tolerate disrespect. A man will only mistreat a lady when no one challenges his behavior. If he knows he can get away with being nasty to you, then he will say hurtful things to you and hit you to boost his own ego over and over again. It’s on you to put a stop on it. You can do this by telling him that you don’t tolerate such disrespect from her husband who is supposed to love and respect her.
Say sorry when needed. Nothing melts an angry heart faster like a sincere apology. Make sure it’s sincere, though.
Have a healthy diet at home. I know ”we are what we eat” is a cliché, but it really does matter on one’s mental health. Try avoiding junk food in the home.
If nothing works, then tell him that you can’t live with him if he continues his poor behavior, and suggest some professional help such as counseling etc.
Allah (swt) instructs men to be nice to their wives and to treat them well to the best of their ability.
“…And live with them in kindness…” (Quran 4:19)
Thus, your husband should open up and be willing to listen to you when you talk to him. The Messenger of Allah (saw) said:
“The believers who show the most perfect Faith are those who have the best behavior, and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives”. (At-Tirmidhi)
Your husband’s behavior must hurt you a lot and make you sad. I would advise you to be patient and pray to Allah (swt) to help him to control his anger. Help him to pray and get closer to Allah (swt). Under no circumstance is a husband allowed to use hurtful words or cause his wife any injury, even when he is angry or somehow feels justified. His harsh words show that he is weak and coward. He has no right to disrespect you.
I am deeply saddened to hear about your situation. Be patient, sister, as Allah (swt) is with those who are patient. He (swt) grants them support and clear victory.
“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.” (Qur’an 2:153)
May Allah (swt) ease your tension and give you patience, in sha’ Allah.
Salam,
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