He says he used to be good friends with the husband. All of this was way before we got married but now I came to find out and I'm not necessarily comfortable with it.
He doesn't see the need to end the friendship but I also don't want to dictate his life. But they talk a lot with each other and share long phone calls. When he's in her town, he visits her house. He only tells me after making plans with her or when he's leaving her house. I told him that it's wrong because she is a non-mahram so out of respect for our relationship, should let me know if he's meeting with any woman.
I told him he has double standards because I cannot have male friends. Not that I need any but I had to cut them off for the sake of my relationship but when it comes to him, he always has reasoning to why he has to keep in touch.
Saying he can't just cut off family. But I'm not comfortable with it seeing that her husband has passed and suddenly the conversation frequency has increased. He even called her at 11:30pm..and confided in her a lot. Where it might even be things that he does not confide in me for.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Your husband may genuinely feel a sense of responsibility or loyalty toward his late friend by staying in touch with his widow. That intention, if sincere, is not wrong in itself. However, good intentions do not justify inappropriate boundaries. He can keep in touch, but how he does that matters a lot.
- He has the free will to accept or reject these norms, but his actions have consequences, and he is responsible (and accountable) for the impact they have on your relationship.
Asssalamu alaykom, sister,
Thank you for your question. You say that your husband had a friend who passed away, and he had a good relationship with him and also with his wife. He refers to her as his sister. But the issue is that after her husband passed away, your husband has been maintaining very close friendship with her.
They have a lot of phone calls, even late at night. They meet and talk about confidential things, and you are not comfortable with this. At the same time, he does not allow you to meet other friends.
Dear sister, I think it is absolutely valid how you are feeling. When you enter a marriage, you can set certain requirements, norms, and boundaries, and expect that past interactions should adjust and change. You can ask for priority in your marriage, and transparency about those relationships, for the sake of protecting the trust between both of you. You can expect that they are maintained in a respectful, distant, and appropriate way.
This is especially important when we are talking about non-mahram people from the opposite gender. I am not sure whether they are considered family or not, or whether she was the wife of a family member, but when they are meeting alone and her husband is no longer there, some form of change and respectful distance has to happen, even if they were friends in the past.
I am not sure about his intentions. Your husband may genuinely feel a sense of responsibility or loyalty toward his late friend by staying in friendship with his widow. That intention, if sincere, is not wrong in itself. However, good intentions do not justify inappropriate boundaries.
He can keep in touch, but how he does that matters a lot.
Clarify intentions and set boundaries
So I think you are absolutely right to feel uncomfortable, and I understand your concerns. This is something you can explain to your husband: while you understand they were friends and that she is the widow of his friend, you expect to set some form of boundaries with one-on-one meetings and late phone calls with her. You do not insist on cutting ties, but on keeping contact within certain boundaries.
Any connection that begins to threaten trust, emotional safety, or exclusivity in a marriage needs to be reassessed. Emotional closeness with a non-mahram—especially through private conversations, late-night calls, and one-on-one meetings has the potential impact on your relationship and prevention matters.
Involve a mediator, if needed
With the aim to protect your relationship, you may initiate a conversation about clarifying his intentions. He needs to understand that while he has the free will to accept or reject these norms, his actions have consequences, and he is responsible (and accountable) for the impact they have on your relationship.
He is in a marriage, and that requires a certain level of adjustment and commitment. Otherwise, there may be consequences, such as a loss of trust from your side. You may not be able to fully be present in the marriage due to resentment and discomfort.
I suggest you talk to him and try to reach an agreement that both of you respect for the sake of protecting your marriage.
If needed, you may involve a third party: a family member, a counselor, a community leader.
I hope this helps. May Allah make it easy for you.