I went into the marriage with the mindset of "I will try because we BOTH ended up in an unwanted marriage." After getting married, we were not quite happy with each other but I was doing ok. That was until I found out that he tells his mother about our problems and does not know how to take a stand for himself and for me.
We had quite a lot of fights. I am the type to be loud and angry and he is the avoidant type so no fight ends up resolving anything. After a couple months together, I left for my own country and he stayed back. We did not keep up well during this period, barely texting.
However, he put in effort, trying to call and text. but because of the things regarding not standing up for me and his mother and the forced situation, I did not feel like reciprocating and whenever we did talk, we would fight.
Soon after, he followed me to my country and now we live together with my parents. It's only been a couple days but I do not like him. I feel he is too immature and I don't like the way he talks to me. I really want to try but I don't know why I can't. I know he is trying but whenever he talks to me, I don't like it. Whenever he tries to touch me, I feel utterly weird about it, I recoil to his every touch. We do not talk even if we are in the same room. but I know he is a nice guy and is very patient.
I want to try. Please guide me on how I can soften my heart to him.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Dealing with your frustration may begin with allowing yourself to grieve what you hoped for but do not have right now.
- We do have a choice about what we focus on in our daily lives, what we nurture in the relationship and what we set aside. Perhaps there is something here for you to learn about yourself and about relational dynamics.
Assalamu alaikum, sister,
Thank you for your question.
You mentioned that you were essentially forced into an arranged marriage that neither of you truly wanted, and that this is causing you difficulties. You feel that you do not want this situation, yet you would still like to try, and you are looking for tools to help you do so.
What I can suggest first is this: try to consider whether you can accept that this may be a test for you, and that this person has become part of your destiny. Ask yourself: What can I learn from this situation? That is the first and most important question.
Your reality
As you and I both know, forced marriage is not acceptable in Islam. It is not okay. An arranged marriage should include the consent of both individuals. Cultural norms sometimes override Islamic principles, and this can create resentment between spouses, which may eventually lead to conflict, unhappiness, and even mental health struggles.
That being said, you are in this situation now, and this is your current reality. These are your social circumstances, and this choice happened within the limits of what was possible for you at the time.
Dealing with your frustration may begin with allowing yourself to grieve what you hoped for but do not have right now. Understand that, at present, you are in this situation.
It may not be what you imagined. It could perhaps be better. I am not saying that change cannot happen in the future, but right now, this is your reality. And you said you want to try your best.
Begin with acceptance
You may need a form of radical acceptance: acknowledging that this is where you are at this moment and asking yourself how you can make the best of it.
Even in arranged or freely chosen marriages, spouses will have differences. You need time to get to know one another. This does not happen overnight, and it requires genuine interest and effort. We also know that there will always be aspects of our spouses that we may not like or fully appreciate. We can find faults in our spouses, just as they can find faults in us, because none of us is perfect.
However, we do have a choice about what we focus on in our daily lives—what we nurture in the relationship and what we set aside. I am not saying you should suppress your feelings or ignore serious issues. But if you filter your perception so that you see only what is wrong with him, it will not improve the situation.
Try to reflect on his good qualities. Think about what you can do well together. Make the most of the time you spend in your own home, especially if that environment feels more balanced and less influenced by extended family. This may help create a healthier dynamic between you.
Also focus on your own behavior. Regardless of the other person’s actions, try to maintain good character, kindness, generosity, and attentiveness. Make an effort to truly get to know one another.
Regarding what you explained about both your character and his, it seems to me that he is genuinely trying, as you said. That in itself is something to appreciate.
Make the marriage work
From what you described about yourself, you see yourself as someone with a louder temperament. It also seems, as you mentioned, that he is more avoidant and patient.
I am not sure whether it is this dynamic itself that turns you off. I also do not know how this compares to the male figures in your life. For example, I do not know whether your father was harsher, stricter, or more temperamental. Perhaps, unconsciously, you are used to or expect a certain level of emotional intensity or tension, and when that is not present, the situation feels unfamiliar or even uncomfortable.
What I can say, sister, is that sometimes there are things we do not like but that are actually good for us. And there are things we may like that are not necessarily good for us. Perhaps there is something here for you to learn about yourself and about relational dynamics.
It could be that his character highlights qualities in you that you may need to work on in order to become more balanced. If you find this dynamic challenging, it might be helpful to reflect on your own patterns, your own emotional responses, and your strengths and weaknesses.
May Allah make it easy for you.