We talked about various topics, and he came to my country twice to see me. He seemed like a good, practicing man who truly wants to improve his religious beliefs and is helping me too. However, there are several differences that scare me:
1. We have different cultures and languages; we currently communicate in English, but it's not our native language; we also live in two different countries, so I would eventually have to move in with him;
2. We also have different education levels; he doesn't have a college degree like me and works a menial job that doesn't earn much. I talked to him about her husband's financial responsibilities, but he clearly told me we'd need two incomes to build a life together.
3. The last point is the one that worries me the most: his character. He told me he's suffered from depression in the past and has undiagnosed ADHD. This affects his memory, organization, finances, and emotions. I advised him to talk to a psychiatrist/psychologist to see if it's just his suspicions, but he says he can handle everything on his own. I'm very worried because I fear this could affect our marriage, and I no longer feel comfortable with him.
All these differences make me feel like he's not the right person for me, even though he's a good Muslim. I've prayed Salat Al-Istikhara, but the doubts continue to grow, and I don't feel at peace.
He's asked me several times if he'd like to come talk to my parents and do Nikkah, but I'm afraid he's not the right person. If marriage is our source of peace and tranquility, how can I marry someone I'm not comfortable with?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- What is better—remaining in uncertainty about the future, or choosing someone your heart declines?
- Stay true to your heart, your instincts, and your values. You deserve someone who can respect your rights and build mutual trust with you.
Assalamu alaikum, sister,
Thanks for sharing your concerns related to a marriage proposal. You met someone online, but you have some doubts.
The concerns you raise are important points and seem valid concerns. I absolutely understand your doubts.
For example, the difference in education itself is not necessarily the problem, but what those background differences can mean on a deeper level.
Real differences
What do they reflect about understanding life, recognizing opportunities, taking responsibility, having broader knowledge of the world, and having compatible ideas about each other’s roles?
These differences can sometimes lead to resentment. Especially if from the very beginning you feel that you cannot rely on him as a husband.
It is not about supporting each other in times of need—that is normal in any relationship—but about whether each person is able to fulfill their role and whether you share similar ideas about this.
There is also the topic of mental and emotional health, which is extremely important. Unfortunately, in many communities this is still treated as a taboo, but it should not be. It is not shameful to ask for help, but actually the opposite. The wounds he carries are not necessarily his fault or his family’s fault; sometimes they happen on a broader or collective level.
On one hand, it is a good thing if he takes accountability and admits these issues. But the important question is: Is he doing it as an excuse for accountability or from a genuine desire to heal? What actions is he willing to take to work on them and resolve them?
To be honest, when I read your letter, I felt that you already knew the answer. Everything you mentioned makes you feel that he may not be the right person for you.
Is it possible that deep down in your heart you know that this is not what you are looking for, and that you can sense future conflicts—not just one, but possibly several?
What makes you doubt your answer?
If so, the real question is: what is making you doubt your own answer? Is it family pressure? or is it pressure you are putting on yourself? Is it fear about future opportunities, or uncertainty about whether someone else will come along?
I would like to invite you to see this as a test. Of course, there is no certainty that after this there will be another prospect for you. But think about what you would advise a sister in the same situation. Just because she has one option right now, should she choose someone who she does not feel at peace with? Would you advise her to say yes to a marriage without feeling confident that it could lead to a happy future?
What is better—remaining in uncertainty about the future, or choosing someone your heart declines?
Stay true to your heart, your instincts, and your values. Know that you deserve someone who can respect your rights and build mutual trust with you. Someone with whom you can understand each other regarding emotional healing, religious duties, and communication.
I am not sure what others say around you, but know that it is okay to reject a marriage proposal. There is nothing wrong with using this time of initial conversations to get to know someone and then realizing that they are not what you are looking for. You are absolutely within your rights to do that.
Trust in Allah, in His timing and planning. May Allah make it easy for you, and bless you with the right one,