My mother- in-law is extremely overbearing and she and my husband have a very co-dependent relationship. Living there for 10 years caused great stress and anxiety to me and really affected my mental health.
It is an extremely busy household with Mother in law’s family coming often in large numbers almost everyday and leaving late. There was no sense of peace or privacy, just chaos and noise. In the early stages of marriage I cried to my husband and asked to move to a separate home, but he said he would never leave. When I told her I was having horrible anxiety and struggling, she said to pretend I am fine as this is her family and I just have to accept how they do things. I was silenced and suffered quietly.
However, recently due to conflict with other people, my husband decided we to move out. We have now moved 5 minutes away from his mother’s home with our child. Since we have moved in, the mother also comes to stay and sleep nights here. I brought this up to my husband and he started shouting at me calling me twisted and selfish; that this home also belongs to his mother and she can come and go as she pleases.
This home was purchased by me with my life savings. And I pay half the mortgage. My husband is very aggressive and often he doesn’t let me speak or communicate my feelings. Often tells me don’t tell me how you are feeling I don’t want to know.
It hurts. He gets angry often and is extremely dominating. It terrifies me so I go silent (my father was abusive sonic shut down) I have no family here. I moved far to marry him, it was an arranged marriage. In 10 years I have not divulged anything to my own family as they cannot help me. He threatens divorce, shouts at me in public, openly tells me if I don’t like something I can leave while his mother is there to witness it.
I feel ridiculed and humiliated. I am not a person to either of them. My husband is not loving, he has not been intimate with me for over 2 years and won’t seek help to address the problem. He’s not affectionate. I feel he is not attracted to me.
I had hoped things would improve when we move into our own home but his mum insists on staying nights, makes us come over to hers and stay there for hours everyday and then calls at night crying over the phone because her son has left her.
She says that she is sick and unwell now that he has left and blames me for it. I feel I have no peace and no voice, no one to love me. I never felt the love of a father and never the true love of a husband.
I don’t argue and try to stay calm with him. He always chose his mother over me and has said a number of times she comes first.
She has a husband and is not alone, she is not very old and she has an adult son still living with them with his own wife. I feel they have a very co dependent relationship. I just don’t fit into their life.
At my age now with a child where will I go and who will love me? I wish he was kinder, softer, just a little caring, he doesn’t even have to love me, I have accepted that. I feel suffocated and unwanted. Some days I want to lay in bed and just cry but I can’t. I have a baby to take care of.
When I communicate my rights as a wife according to Islam he disputes it aggressively and so does his mother.
I feel stuck and in despair. My mother is old and I cannot burden her, she is already dealing with a sister who is separated from her husband and if I burden her with my troubles too it may kill her so I stay silent.
Please offer advice and some hope.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- If there is no realization or desire from them to change, this situation is very unlikely to improve. What is left for you is to reflect and decide whether you are able to live like this for the rest of your life or not.
- Join women’s support groups, especially online communities of women who have gone through similar situations and were able to make changes.
Assalamualaikum sister,
Thank you for your letter. I am truly grateful that you shared your struggles and reached out. I am sure it was not easy to write, and your letter reflects a great deal of despair and sadness. I can clearly see how difficult it must be for you to feel well in a situation where you have had very little experience of appreciation, love, care, and healthy relationships around you.
You mentioned that the home you came from, your family, and your father were also abusive. Then you found yourself continuing a similar pattern in your arranged marriage. To be honest, things seem very desperate.
I want to tell you two important things.
First, unfortunately, situations like yours happen far too often.
Second, the behavioral pattern of your husband and his mother, and their apparently codependent relationship, is not your fault. I do not want to go too deeply into that here because it is a separate issue, but what is important for you to understand is that this has very little to do with you. The emotional and physical codependency they are dealing with is not because of you, and you are not the one who has to fix it.
The reality
Sister, let’s be clear. If there is no realization or desire from them to change, this situation is very unlikely to improve. What is left for you is to reflect and decide whether you are able to live like this for the rest of your life or not. And I want to tell you clearly, sister, that you do not have to.
The fact that you are reaching out shows that a part of you is waking up and longing for change, healing, and growth. Even if these painful patterns feel familiar to you, they can be changed if you make efforts to do that.
Feeling Loved
You do not have to stay in this relationship out of obligation. You do not owe them your suffering.
I am not advocating for divorce, but I am advocating for peace, dignity, and healthy boundaries in your life. You have the right to a healthier relationship with proper roles and respect. Your needs you mention about feeling loved are valid. But maybe you will have to find it somewhere else.
If your husband and his family are unable to provide that, you are allowed to seek something better for the sake of your Allah and your well-being.
What you are asking for is “halal”. You can be sure that Allah is watching your struggle. Also, remember that He loves you. He guides those who seek guidance and helps those who strive for what is right according to His guidance.
Regarding your mother, you mentioned that you do not want to bother her. Seeking her support or shelter is not a burden. You are not asking her to fix your life. You are taking responsibility for your own life, your needs, and your future. If she sees you taking strength and action, she will see your courage, not inconvenience.
At the same time, try to see this as a moment where Allah may be giving you an opportunity to grow and break a long pattern in your life. Even taking a small action can be the beginning of change.
Seek support
Ongoing counseling to support you in this growth would be great. If you cannot afford counseling or one-to-one support from a mental health professional, try to join women’s support groups, especially online communities of women who have gone through similar situations and were able to make changes. Listen to their stories and gain strength from them.
You can also learn about self-esteem, boundaries, and how to separate your feelings from other people’s actions online.
Also, you may consult a lawyer about your property and financial investments and rights.
I truly wish you the best. Continue to make dua and seek guidance from Allah. Listen to your heart.
May Allah make it easy for you.