I feel exhausted. I have shown my husband loyalty, commitment and been supportive. I have helped him financially throughout my 4 pregnancy by working full time and going 50/50. Alhamdulillah I am very motivated and independent.
However after these years I have seen a pattern in my husband, he disappears into his self employed job where he works 12 hrs. This worsens every time I am pregnant and after that, where he emotionally neglects me especially when I am at my most vulnerable stage.
His work has affected all his responsibilities. It has affected him to provide the essential things for us, he has emotionally neglected us, he has neglected himself as he is super over weight, and hardly has time to seek knowledge to come closer to Allah.
I have overlooked all his major flaws which some I had to force myself to ignore.
He is a decent man, meaning you can get along with him, Alhamdulillah he is a good father. I have tried to work things out with him over the years going to imam, counselling, talking to family and friends. But nothing changes, he says he will change but breaks all his promises.
We have recently had our 5th child and I predicted he will do the same, which he has.
From all the years I have learnt that my husband is there when marriage life is fun and happy but as soon as I become weak and vulnerable he disappears, nowhere to be seen and therefore I feel like a single mother, feel empty and lonely.
Now I am worried I don't want to be in a marriage where I will resent him and always fight with him every time there is a tough time in our marriage.
I'm battling if I should stay for the children as it does have an effect on the children's upbringing or should I leave for my mental state.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- The feelings of abandonment and the pain that you experience may also connect to patterns from your own past and have a history in your life.
- It is natural to want recognition, support, and words of appreciation—to feel seen and valued. However, instead of focusing solely on your husband’s approval seek other options to channel these needs.
Assalamu alaykom, Sister,
Thank you for your question.
You explain that you have noticed, in your 13-year marriage, a pattern in your husband’s behavior. He seems to neglect you emotionally – and even himself – and is often absent during difficult times—especially when you are most vulnerable, such as during and after your pregnancies.
During these times, you feel lonely and abandoned, and you feel that he does not provide the emotional care and support you need. Instead, he escapes into his work. Despite this, he is a good father, alhamdulillah, and a decent person.
You have tried speaking to an imam and have also tried counseling. Although he promises to change, he does not follow through on those promises.
For me, it would be important to understand more about your counseling experience. What topics emerged, and what did both of you realize? Were you able to unpack the root cause of this situation?
It seems to me that your husband may be dealing with his own difficulties, and when faced emotionally challenging situations—especially when you need him—he escapes instead of engaging.
I am not sure, but this could be a coping mechanism, his way of dealing with stress. Or, he may not know how to be emotionally present, to show care in times of need. Also, maybe he has his own ways of expressing love which differs from yours and this mismatch causes confusion that fuels this cycle.
Whatever the reason is, this is not a reflection of your worth or neediness.
It would be beneficial to continue counseling to break this cycle, because without intervention, this will likely happen regardless of good intentions. These issues are often emotional rather than purely rational. He may know what he should do, but may be emotionally unable to break certain patterns.
What can you do?
First, continue encouraging him to pursue counseling, either jointly or individually.
Second, reflect on your own capacity to accept that while support from a partner is important, there are times when we must carry responsibilities alone. Many of us, at the end of the day, are alone in our tasks and cannot fully depend on others.
The feelings of abandonment and the pain that you experience may also connect to patterns from your own past and have a history in your life. It may be helpful to explore where these feelings come from and whether you are truly unable to cope alone.
You have already explained that you have worked hard and managed your family, children, and responsibilities—even during pregnancy. You are doing a great deal on your own, and you are clearly capable, alhamdulillah.
Of course, it is natural to want recognition, support, and words of appreciation—to feel seen and valued. However, instead of focusing solely on your husband’s approval or support, try to remind yourself that ultimately you are doing this for the sake of Allah. Allah is the One who truly sees all your efforts and whom you ultimately seek to please.
One more point: while partnership in marriage is a beautiful ideal, expecting our spouse to fulfill all our emotional needs is often rooted more in romantic portrayals than in reality. In real life, spouses may have different interests, emotional capacities, and limitations.
Therefore, it can be helpful to seek support through other channels. To friends, sisters, or family members you can share your feelings, be heard, and feel emotionally supported.
It is wonderful when a husband can fully support you emotionally. But when he cannot, you can seek other options to channel those needs. Exploring and using multiple connections in your life does not mean that your marriage is not good enough.
Finally, always remember that Allah is All-Hearing, All-Seeing, and All-Knowing. Turn to Him in your prayers. Pour out your heart, your pain, and your feelings in your duʿāʾ, and strengthen your connection with Him.
I hope this helps. May Allah make it easy for you.