First, I was harassed by my mother and my uncle for over one year simple because they knew for a long time the parents of a suitor. When I said that I wanted to marry another man, they harassed me until I felt like I had to not consider him as a suitor anymore.
So I stayed single for years. I recently got my job contract stopped and I suspect that at least one of my family members had a hand in me losing my job.
I'm fed up. I don't believe they want my well-being or my happiness. Nowhere in the Koran is it written that a daughter HAS to marry before her father dies. Nowhere can you read that men can organise themselves into misogynistic groups so women lose their jobs and means of living.
Why are some men so angry that women have jobs? Based on what I'm going through, I'm starting to think that this worldwide manosphere trend is true: men are cunning together to make women lose their jobs, have no choice but to get married to whatever man and sit a home taking care of babies.
If a woman choses to not work and start a family, that's her free choice. But, why these groups to force things? I'm seeing men, including those in my family, who feel they are entitled to spy on a woman, destroy her aspirations and use every lie and manipulation to force her to be dependent and subservient.
If they are convincing themselves they are helping me, they are just lying as usual. Really, if Muslim men are justifying these malicious ways, I don't see why women should follow the Koran.
1. What solution to solve this harassment into marriage and pregnancy? 2. What can be done about this manosphere trend?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Perhaps, for your ancestors marriage was the only means of “survival”—ensuring safety and a better future for their daughters, even if that didn’t always feel like an option you could choose for yourself.
- Different generations can learn from one another. While it’s important to respect your elders, hopefully, they will also see the value in your insights.
Assalamu alaykom, dear sister,
Thank you for reaching out with your question.
I understand the anger and frustration you’re feeling based on the letter you shared and I am truly sorry for your experience.
It seems like you’re feeling a deep sense of injustice due to what’s happening within your family, particularly regarding the pressure you’re feeling around marriage.
You mentioned that it is mainly the men in your family who are pushing you toward marriage. You also said that your mother is encouraging the same thing.
I can see why you think that men are oppressors, but I wonder if what you’re experiencing is not a misogynist religious oppression, but rather a reflection of larger, collective experience in your community, deeply embedded in culture, affecting both genders.
Gender, Justice and Religion
It’s important to note that Islam, as expressed in the Quran, is absolutely against injustice and oppression.
What you are facing doesn’t stem from religious teachings. But when people face oppression on a larger scale – sometimes through generations – it is possible that they themselves also turn to harmful means to get along with their wills.
I understand that in your situation, it might feel like these pressures are unjust, especially in the context of today’s opportunities.
But perhaps, in the past, for your ancestors marriage was the only means of “survival”—ensuring safety and a better future for their daughters, even if that didn’t always feel like an option you could choose for yourself.
Traditional values and gender roles have a purpose and a religious significance but individual and cultural differences also matter.
For example, I am not sure, but maybe previous generations in your family have faced significant loss, therefore the emphasis on women having children, instead of having paid jobs.
Collectivist Family Values
Furthermore, in collectivist cultures, there is a stronger emphasis on the community’s well-being rather than individual desires.
In contrast, on social media, for example, you may see a more individualistic approach, where the focus is on “what’s best for you” and “how to prioritize your own self and life”, with stories about personal successes causing you greater frustration, understandably.
However, the reality is that in many cultures like yours, the balance between individual and community needs is different.
This doesn’t mean it’s right to overlook your wishes or force decisions upon you. It’s not okay to ignore your consent. Indeed, your goals and feelings are very important and should be acknowledged.
But the intentions behind your parents‘ actions may come from a place of wanting what they believe is best for you, for your family and community, not from a place of harm.
It’s important to remember that, in some cases, parents are acting out of love and concern, even if it doesn’t always align with your personal desires.
They might want to ensure you have a safe, stable future, and in their eyes, marriage might be a way of protecting you.
This can be the reason behind your father’s wish to see you married before he passes away. You are right: it’s not in the Quran. But for him, this can be a responsibility and duty he feels obliged to fulfill in this life.
This doesn’t mean that their actions are flawless, but it’s worth acknowledging that their intentions may be rooted in love and care for your well-being.
Look at Their Intentions
So, try to understand and appreciate their good intentions. Let them know that you recognize they want the best for you, even if it’s not the direction you would choose for yourself.
You can also express what you have learned as a young adult about responsibility, marriage, and your own perspective on life. Perhaps you have access to more information, or you see things differently.
Remember, different generations can learn from one another. While it’s important to respect your elders, hopefully, they will also see the value in your insights. Marriage should be about partnership and compatibility, not just about material or family status as a means of protection and survival.
I encourage you to seek understanding rather than conflict. Try to understand their good intentions and share your perspective in a respectful and calm manner. The goal is to find common ground and create a mutual understanding between you.
You can involve a sibling, a family member or elder you trust. This approach may help soften their hearts, Insha’Allah, and lead them to respect your wishes as well.