My fiancé and I have had ongoing disagreements about living arrangements, family responsibilities, and communication. I raised concerns about living with his family, sharing a bathroom, and staying in hijab inside the home because his brother-in-law lives there.
He said he felt pressured and embarrassed. Later he agreed to get a separate place but said he needs a year to be able to do that. I offered different options using our combined income, but he said it made him feel inadequate as a man.
He told me that even with a separate home, I would still be expected to help his family whenever they “need” me—such as waking up early to cook when his mother is unwell. When I explained that mornings are difficult for me, he told me I should train myself, that adults have to do things they don’t like, and that if he gives me more than my basic rights, I should “go above and beyond” too. When I mentioned that Islam doesn’t obligate me to serve his family, he insisted that serving them should come from me willingly.
We also have communication issues. When I try to explain my perspective, he sometimes calls me manipulative, immature, argumentative, or says I’m “talking nonsense.” I end up feeling blamed or belittled. We’ve postponed the nikkah because my family found some of these expectations concerning.
At the same time, he has qualities I value—good character, religious friends, no past relationships, avoids social media, and we’re socially compatible. We’ve built an attachment over a year, so I’m trying to understand whether these are solvable issues or signs of deeper incompatibility.
I’ve been doing istikhara for clarity, but I’m still confused. I need help understanding what is reasonable, what isn’t, and how to approach these discussions in a healthy and Islamic way before making a final decision.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- We ahave to be able to hear what the other person is trying to communicate.
- Stop focusing solely on what the other person is going to give you, and instead reflect on what you yourself can offer—wholeheartedly, willingly, and with pure intention.
Assalamu alaikum, sister,
Thank you for sharing your concerns.
You are currently engaged and experiencing repeated disagreements around three main areas: living arrangements, family responsibilities, and communication. You say that sometimes he describes you as manipulative, immature, argumentative, or as “talking nonsense.” These interactions leave you feeling blamed and belittled, and he says your attitude makes him feel inadequate and pressured.
At the same time, you acknowledge your fiancé’s positive qualities and the emotional attachment that has developed over time, which leads you to question whether these issues can be resolved.
Let’s Hear Each Other
Sister, I don’t know how you met, so I am not sure whether this is an arranged marriage or not. However, the issues you are discussing are very important. It is absolutely normal to talk about expectations and possibilities before engagement. It is okay to talk about what you need and how you imagine your future together.
At the same time, we also have to be able to hear what the other person is trying to communicate.If someone says, for example, that he needs one year or that he would like to do things by himself, that is something you have to hear. It is his decision and his need, and he is saying what he can offer.
I also hear that he is looking for someone who will be a member of his family. I agree that some expectations regarding family are understandable, though they should not be treated as obligations. When we enter a family, we create a new unit together. Helping each other should come from willingness, kindness, and the heart—not from force or pressure.
Compromise and Agreement
On the other hand, you also have the right to say that your core and basic needs include having a separate home and not having others living with you. He needs to hear you and be clear about his possibilities.
Also, for him it should be an important message to hear when you feel belittled due to his insults. And these insults are important messages for you too, about his manners in case of disagreements and conflict.
You either accept each other or not; but the important thing is being able to understand where each of you are coming from, of course, with respect and kindness. If you cannot agree and compromise on these issues, then perhaps you are not meant to be together.
I would strongly recommend premarital counseling with a Muslim therapist or imam trained in marriage counseling. This would help clarify:
- Conflict-resolution skills
- Expectations around family involvement
- Financial roles
- Respectful communication
More Than Rights and Duties
To conclude, sister, I know that when we discuss a future marriage, it is indeed about duties and rights—but not only about that. It is also about where your heart feels at ease, whether your needs can be met, and whether you are truly compatible as two individuals who can support one another with good intentions and sincerity. Remember this:
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.— Quran 30:21
In my opinion, one of the best ways to approach this is to stop focusing solely on what the other person is going to give you, i.e., what you will get, and instead reflect on what you yourself can offer—wholeheartedly, willingly, and with pure intention.
While it is true that deeper feelings often grow with time, if the relationship consists only of back-and-forth discussions about money, rights, and duties, without a genuine willingness to understand one another, the situation will likely become more complicated rather than easier.
I hope this helps, May Allah make it easy for you,