I recently spoke with him because I wanted to resume my studies and work now that my daughter has started daycare, as I'm currently only at home taking care of her and doing housework. At the time, he didn't see a problem with it, but today I brought it up again, and he said he wouldn't let me work or study unless it was with other women.
Realistically, it's difficult to find those opportunities. Obviously, if they exist, I would do it without a problem. He says the same thing about my studies: it has to be with other women or from home. The thing is, he also works, and there's a mix of both partners.
How is that allowed, but not for women? Does Islam accept that? Does Islam accept this difference just because he's a man?
His excuse is that he's a man, and they have to work, and it doesn't matter if it's with other women. I find it unfair, and his words were that if I wanted to study and work normally, I should get a divorce.
I want to emphasize that since I got married, I've suffered a lot with many responsibilities and other problems. I was always giving my money to help without ever wanting anything in return, but since becoming a mother, I'm just at home, and I can't take it anymore because I'm falling into a depression.
I don't wear the hijab, even though Allah guides me, and my prayers are weak, but I won't abandon them. And yet, I still receive comments from my husband about how I'm not a Muslim, that my faith is weak, that I'll make him a dayouti and lead my daughter down the path to hell, that I just want to go back to work and study because women like to attract men's attention, and a thousand other things I can't even write down.
When I hear that, it breaks my heart because only Allah knows everything I suffer in silence every day. I want help because, honestly, I see divorce as the only way out since I can't live like this forever.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Speaking to you in a degrading manner or threatening you with divrce will not help either. Separate these comments from your sense of self. Try to see what fears, beliefs, or mental states are fueling them.
- Contact a scholar who lives in the West who understands the cultural and domestic realities of work and study, and who can provide guidance tailored to your situation as Muslims.
Assalamualaikum, sister,
Thank you for your letter. I am truly sorry to hear about the conflict between you and your husband.
You explain that you live in a Western country and that, prior to having a child together, your husband had no objections to you working or studying. After your daughter was born, you stayed at home with her. Now that you would like to return to work and continue your studies, your husband says he will only allow this if it is done online or in women-only environments. I agree, realistically speaking, in Europe it is very difficult to find suitable work or educational opportunities that are fully gender-segregated.
Furthermore, your husband himself works in a mixed environment. You feel that this stance is not truly Islamic, and unjust. You state that if it were possible to find a non-mixed environment, you would gladly choose it, but you are aware of the limited possibilities and feel that this is unlikely to happen.
Despite this, you continue to receive comments from your husband suggesting that you are not a good Muslim, that your faith is weak, and that if you return to study you will attract men’s attention, and so forth.
Working in a Mixed Environment
I am truly sorry to hear this, sister. You do not mention where both of you are from, nor how long you have been living in this country, but both of you—especially your husband—need to understand that choosing to live in a Western country requires adapting to its environment and cultural realities.
I am not a scholar but a counselor, but I would strongly encourage you to write to a qualified scholar regarding the specific religious rulings involved. Such rulings are usually assessed in light of cultural customs, circumstances, and cases of necessity—especially when living in a non-Muslim-majority country without an Islamic legal system. These factors must be taken into account in your situation.
From what you describe, it appears to be a way of coercing you into what your husband finds comfortable, possibly masking his own fears, insecurity, or jealousy. I do not know where these fears come from or why he believes he might lose you or that you would attract other men. These are highly subjective interpretations of hypothetical scenarios. Such fears, however, can lead someone to attempt to control a situation, and one way of doing so is by restricting another person’s actions.
This is not fair, and you are right to feel that way. Speaking to you in a degrading manner or threatening you with divrce will not help either. Trying to undermine your self-esteem and make you feel confused or doubtful about your faith, intentions, or identity as a Muslim is not constructive and only causes harm. This is not how spouses should speak to one another in a marriage.
What Are His Fears?
What you can try to do is separate these comments from your sense of self. Try to see what fears, beliefs, or mental states are fueling them. Understand that this is more about him than about you. You may try to bring these issues to the surface and address them directly. For example:
- “What are you afraid will happen if I work or study?”
- “What do you need in order to feel secure in our marriage?”
- “We can disagree without questioning my faith or intentions.”
You can reassure him that living in the society you are in, working and studying are normal, and that intentions matter. Also, the best protection is having taqwa in our affairs.
You can also express your need for trust because this is an issue he needs to work on. Using spiritual or emotional pressure is not helpful and should not happen.
Contact a Scholar
It may also be beneficial for both of you to contact a scholar who lives in the West who understands the cultural and domestic realities of work and study, and who can provide guidance tailored to your situation as Muslims.
Regarding hijab, sister, I do not know your personal reasons for not wearing it. You may wish to reflect on your position and consider your options thoughtfully. Similarly, concerning prayer and faith, know that all of us experience ups and downs. No one guides better than Allah. Continue striving, making du‘a, and seeking closeness to Him, and may Allah support you and grant you clarity and strength.