A lot of time has now passed and my second wife and I have multiple children. My second wife initially agreed to let my first wife be a part of the process, our children’s lives, and later in her pregnancy changed her mind. She still has never agreed to meet my first wife.
She also agreed to live in one home so that my first wife could participate in my children’s lives and she also changed her mind. My first wife is living in a house alone, because I was preparing to accommodate both of them in one household.
Is she sinful for agreeing and taking back on her word?
My first wife cannot mentally cope with this situation anymore. If I have to divorce one or the other, the love I have for my first wife is more. My second wife is extremely immature; she is constantly causing riff and dramas.
Also my first wife has been very patient but she says my second wife is a liar and spawn of shaytan that destroyed her life and her marriage to me. I agree with her. Also my job is tied to my first wife's family.
Either way the relationship that I have with both wives is suffering tremendously.
I’ve asked for counseling but my first wife won’t. I am planning to divorce my second wife… I need someone to give me advice.
My brother said I needed it documented in my nikkah but I thought we had agreed between each other so I didn’t put anything in my agreement to her. She will have to go back to her parents house.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Did you ever firmly stand up for the original agreement and remind your second wife of her promise?
- You might consider involving a trusted counselor who can mediate between you and your wives.
Assalamu Alaikum, brother,
Thank you for your question. You explained in your letter that you married your first wife long ago. After many years of trying to have children without success, you both agreed that you would remarry and take a second wife.
At that time, the agreement was that your first wife would remain part of your life and the new family’s life, and she would be involved in caring for the children and so forth. Your second wife initially agreed to this arrangement.
However, during her first pregnancy, she changed her mind. She refused to see your first wife and also refused to share a home with her. It has been years since then, and although you now have multiple children, the situation remains unresolved.
Your first wife can no longer cope with this situation emotionally. She feels deeply hurt and believes that you have ruined her life. You mentioned that your second wife is much younger and quite immature, and that you regret this decision, as things did not turn out the way you intended.
You also said that your job is related to your first wife’s family, and they kind of threatened you. It pains you to see her suffering. You are now considering divorce from your second wife as a possible solution.
Polygamy & Intentions
Brother, I am truly sorry for what you are going through. This is indeed an unfortunate outcome of this polygamy. Originally, your intention was good — since you and your first wife could not have children, and she nobly agreed to your second marriage with the understanding that both families would live in harmony.
It seems the problem arose when your second wife changed her mind. I do not wish to judge her intentions — whether it was deliberate or simply a result of unexpected emotional struggles and fears. Perhaps she believed she could cope with the situation but later realized she could not.
Regardless, what matters is how you handled the situation and what efforts you made to uphold the original agreement.
Time to Reflect
When a conflict arises, one can either take a stand for what is right or simply adapt to the situation. It seems that you have mostly adapted. What were your intentions acting this way?
I am not sure, perhaps out of a desire to maintain peace or expecting that time would resolve things alone. But it is important to ask yourself: did you ever firmly stand up for the original agreement and remind your second wife of her promise?
It is time to reflect upon your actions and choices and acknowledge where you have erred. It is absolutely okay to make mistakes or wrong decisions in life, brother.
But you can grow only if you hold yourself accountable for these mistakes, apologize where needed, acknowledge the natural consequences and outcomes, and change your actions for the better.
Change Attitude
At this stage, it may help to speak with both wives individually. Acknowledge their suffering, and take responsibility for your role — but do not carry guilt for what is beyond your control. Every trial comes from Allah, and each of you has been given this test for a reason.
With your second wife, you can gently tell her that while you understand her emotional struggle, she must also understand that your first wife was part of the original arrangement.
You can admit that you have failed to keep up with this promise until now. If she needs emotional or spiritual support to accept polygamy, you can help her — but she must also realize that by refusing to honor her promise, she is putting her marriage at risk.
Regarding your first wife, acknowledge her pain and let her know you understand why she feels as she does. Show her through action — not just words — that you regret how things unfolded and that you want to make things right. At this point, she needs to see consistent behavior and genuine effort, not just apologies.
Encourage her, too, to see this as part of Allah’s plan — a test that can help her grow in patience and strength. Remind her that although others’ immaturity or weakness may cause her suffering, ultimately, Allah STW chose them in her life. Every challenge she faces has a true purpose to bring her closer to Allah.
Seek Justice
As for her family, I find it a bit problematic that they threaten or pressure you. You should stay with your first wife out of love, sincerity, and genuine care — not out of fear or family pressure. If your intentions are sincere, that is what truly matters. If your attachment to her comes from fear, remember that Ar-Razzaq is the ultimate provider and best of planners.
Regarding your brother’s suggestion, or your question about being sinful or not, kindly consult a qualified scholar.
However, I am not sure that simply demonstrating religious rulings about polygamy will suddenly resolve this conflict. This situation likely requires deeper emotional and psychological work. Spiritual strengthening surely helps— especially by renewing faith and trust in Allah, accepting His decree (qadr), and viewing the situation from a broader perspective rather than from a purely personal one.
It is always good to seek reconciliation and understanding. You might consider involving a trusted counselor who can mediate between you and your wives — perhaps starting with separate sessions and later meeting together. This could help all of you work toward peace and mutual understanding, Insha’Allah.
May Allah make your situation easier,