I genuinely don’t know what it means to obey your parents. Do we have to listen to every word that comes out of their mouth? Like…. I overthink everything they say. I try my hardest to listen to EVERYTHING they say but sometimes I slip.
I sit there and listen to everything out of their mouth like a hawk. I just feel like it’s affecting my relationship with my parents to the point where I don't know if what they are saying to me is just conversational or a command.
I really don’t know what to do. I really love my parents but I feel like I can't be around them.
Please help.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- The Qur’an contains many verses about forgiveness and mercy, showing us that human beings do make mistakes — and that is why we seek forgiveness, correct our ways, and move on.
- You say you love your parents, so focus on your heart and on expressing the love you feel. Also, let them know that you need them to show their love for you.
Assalamu Alaikum, sister,
Thank you for your question. You said that you have had OCD in the past, and now something has triggered it again. You mentioned that you are overthinking and becoming obsessed. Now your OCD about obedience to parents — whether it means you must literally follow everything they say, or whether you should decide what must be obeyed and what not. It seems that this issue is causing you a lot of confusion and distress.
If you have been dealing with OCD, you may already know that OCD is a subtype of anxiety disorders. It means you are struggling with anxiety and overthinking, which are both manifestations of anxiety.
Unrealistic Expectations
What you described — trying to listen to every detail and do everything perfectly — shows a perfectionistic tendency in your behavior. You are trying to make sure that everything is done exactly right, but of course, that is impossible. This expectation itself is unrealistic.
We cannot possibly listen to everything or obey every single thing — not even from our parents or anyone else. That is completely normal and okay.
It seems to me that, for some reason, you might have developed very high expectations for yourself. These can cause anxiety, overthinking, obsessions, and fears about not being able to meet those expectations. This can easily turn into a vicious cycle.
OCD About Obedience to Parents
I can explain what obedience to parents means, but usually, when someone struggles with anxiety or OCD, the answer itself is not what truly helps. What you actually need is to find ways to reduce the distress you’re feeling and to help yourself feel calmer and more balanced. How?
Try to look at the expectations you set for yourself and ask whether they are realistic — and most importantly, whether they are helpful for living a balanced life. What if you fail or make a mistake? Is that really such a terrible thing, or is it simply normal and human? Can you accept that?
The Qur’an contains many verses about forgiveness and mercy, showing us that human beings do make mistakes — and that is why we seek forgiveness, correct our ways, and move on.
Making Mistakes
Sometimes, however, people may have been raised in an environment where mistakes were met with harsh punishment or very high demands — this can happen in parenting or teaching, for example.
You might want to reflect on whether your pattern of self-blame or perfectionism comes from your upbringing or early experiences, because these ideas do not come from Islamic teachings themselves.
If you are a young person, it may help to seek some support to deal with these thoughts — perhaps from a school counselor, therapist, or doctor who can refer you to a mental health professional.
From a religious perspective, it is important to balance your fear of Allah with your hope and love for Him. Allah is loving and full of mercy. Try to focus on verses in the Qur’an about His mercy, forgiveness, and willingness to forgive mistakes.
If your intention is to obey your parents, then do your best to follow their reasonable advice and requests — especially when it comes to daily matters or religious guidance. However, this does not mean you must literally obey every single thing they say. Islam does not require that. Even if you sometimes fail while trying your best, that is okay.
Express the Love You Feel
You say you love your parents, so focus on your heart and on expressing the love you feel. Intention matters, so set it for the sake of Allah, and trust that this will help you be confident in your actions.
Also, let them know that you need them to show their love for you. Seek kindness and genuine, loving connection with your parents and others around you. Engage in joyful activities, spend time in nature, and practice relaxation or breathing techniques.
If these issues continue, I strongly recommend counseling or further professional support — to help you rebuild trust in yourself, in your abilities, and in those around you, Insha’Allah.