My husband leans towards more strict opinions being the right opinions. I try to balance it. Popular intelligent sheikhs he once used to like are now “too liberal” for him bc they’ve started to deviate from the strict approach.
Anyway, during these debates it can get passionate & I get frustrated, however, I think he takes it too far. He shuts any take I have down with “you’re not a scholar,” “you don’t know arabic,” “you’re just a regular person” and has even said "I don't even know if you’re muslim anymore” and recently calling me a hypocrite.
I get so hurt by these words bc I can’t argue against “you’re not a scholar.” I’m not. As for arabic, it’s gotten to a point where I’m actually trying to learn to understand islam more & to prove something to him. As for doubting my Islam, it makes me so emotional.
I do everything and more. I value being Muslim. For him to say those words stings so badly. It makes me feel so alone. It makes me doubt my faith. He hasn’t apologized for these things ever even though I’ve expressed my hurt.
I hate that we can’t talk Islam without it getting toxic. I feel really alone in that way. I don’t intentionally seek the easy way out, I just am genuinely interested in nuance & what makes sense within the folds of Sunni Islam. If I followed the easy way, I wouldn’t be wearing a hijab in the middle of summer or finding an awkward spot to pray in public. It’s just so hurtful.
Answer
- When both of you maintain clear boundaries and confidence in who you are, differences in opinion won’t turn into doubts about each other’s value.
- It’s absolutely okay to disagree, even on matters of faith. What matters is how you maintain respect and kindness when you do.
Wa Alaikum Assalam,
Thank you for your question. You explained that you often find yourself arguing about religion and Islam with your husband. You both seem to have different approaches to your faith, and this sometimes leads to clashes.
You enjoy researching, finding your own understanding, and seeking balance in religion. Meanwhile, your husband tends to follow the mainstream or more traditional opinions, which can sometimes feel stricter. Because of these differences, your conversations often turn into heated debates, and you feel hurt and alone by the way he talks to you.
First of all, MashaAllah, may Allah reward your sincere efforts to gain knowledge and learn more about Islam. It’s clear that you are trying your best as a Muslim, and that deserves recognition.
Arguing About Religion
However, I’d like to gently separate the religious topic from the behavior that happens during your discussions.
If we set aside the topic of Islam for a moment, it seems there might be some communication and boundary issues in how disagreements are handled between you two. These may or may not be connected to deeper issues.
It can happen that while you start talking about religion, underlying issues are getting activated, and this turns the arguments into something different. When both of you maintain clear boundaries and confidence in who you are, differences in opinion won’t turn into doubts about each other’s value.
So, what are those wounds and how can you heal them?
Try to focus not only on what you’re discussing, but how the conversation unfolds.
- Are you both trying to convince each other?
- What are his and your fears that motivate your behaviors? Are you maybe mutually trying to protect each other?
- Is there space for tolerating disagreements and for respecting each other? What both of you feel in these moments, arguing about religion?
- What does having a different approach to faith mean to you? Does this define your level of love and commitment for each other? Or your own worth? Can you both accept having different opinions while still being loving partners?
Tolerating Differences
It’s absolutely okay to disagree — even on matters of faith. What matters is how you maintain respect and kindness when you do. You can both hold different views and still be a good husband and wife, supporting one another in your spiritual journeys.
The real test is not about who is right or wrong, but about whether you can tolerate differences without turning them into emotional battles.
You don’t have to be on the same page in everything, as long as you both keep the love, mercy, and respect alive in your marriage.
Respectful Communication
The second thing relates to communication. Maintaining respect is essential.
If his temperament and implusivity cause him to lose control and verbally hurt you, he should take responibilty and admit his mistakes.
Try to avoid insulting each other or questioning each other’s sincerity. Instead, focus on listening, understanding, and respecting each other’s paths.
Remember — everyone’s journey of faith is personal. Your husband may not approach Islam the same way you do. Both of you are also shaped and influenced by your upbringing, and the examples you have seen, also about faith and spirituality.
He is following what feels right to him based on his life experiences and actual understanding. You may not need to debate around these issues, just respect each other. Let him explore his understanding at his own pace, just as you are doing with yours.
Remember, these differences are there because Allah SWT has decreed that. He decides about our journey and spiritual understanding, we need to accept His will.
What matters most is that you both share the same goal — to please Allah and live as good Muslims. You’re simply taking different routes toward the same destination.
So, the key is respect, patience, and acceptance. May Allah grant you success,
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