Obviously now looking back I understand that I dealt with the entire situation in the wrong way. My poor decisions have essentially destroyed our love relationship because she is my first love.
Everything has changed. She’s not attentive to me. I personally believe she is avoiding intimacy based on her displeasure with me.
I am not really sure where to go from here. At this point I believe she is only with me so she doesn’t destroy our children’s lives. When she found out, she was in complete hysteria but was able to shield it from our children. Now she’s completely disconnected from me…
She communicates but there is no emotion behind it. The empathy she once had for me is now apathy. I don’t think there’s anything I can do. I also believe once our children are 18 she will do divorce from me. She is also starting a business now, from being a full time house wife.
My kids know something is not right. I feel sad for them. I also feel like if they knew as adults they will be disappointed in me… I don’t believe my second marriage was worth all of this. I care about my wives and children equally and even through all of this I’ve been doing right by them all my income is split equally and I do try to be just between the two but I do not believe my decision was wise. I also have lost total control of her emotions. She doesn’t react to me anymore…
Now that I am getting older my ego is toning down and reality is setting in. I use to be very egotistical but now I realized my behavior has essentially destroyed my own life. I have become very quiet these days…. I will say the positive about all of this is teaching me a lesson and forcing me to become attune to my own emotions. I have apologized… from the deepest sincerity in my heart.
I am open to any advice you can give me. I love my first wife and I genuinely do not know how to repair this.
If you can offer any advice on how to repair this… until then I have to leave it to Allah and put it in his hands.
Answer
- Your wife seems deeply hurt and has experienced a profound sense of betrayal. It’s not only the break of trust, but of one’s entire life narrative.
- If you want to preserve the marriage, the first thing you must accept is that she will need time. In these circumstances, you cannot expect her to behave according to your previous expectations.
Assalamualaikum brother,
Thank you for your letter.
First of all, let me say that I truly appreciated hearing your perspective. While we receive many letters from women who find themselves in a situation similar to your wife’s, it is quite rare to hear from husbands who share their side of the story — their feelings, reflections, and struggles after such a major turning point in their marriage. So, reading your experience and the inner battle you are going through was very meaningful. Thank you for opening up and sharing that.
Hiding Your Second Marriage
You mentioned that your wife found it out by accident. This makes me wonder whether you had any plans to tell her about your other marriage — or whether you had intended to keep it hidden indefinitely. I also wonder what your initial intentions were behind marrying again, and what made you decide to keep it secret.
You wrote about how you now realize that hiding it was the wrong decision and how you question whether the second marriage itself was the right choice. It seems that whatever your intentions were, things did not turn out well.
Sometimes in life, we make decisions that later prove to be unwise. We may not be fully aware of the consequences or of how our choices affect others emotionally. Honestly, sometimes we don’t even care.
This is a very human experience. Growth often comes through mistakes. As we mature, we look back and realize that some of our actions — even if not intended to hurt anyone — did cause harm. The important thing is that we recognize this and learn from it.
Understand Her Pain
From what you wrote, it seems that your wife is deeply hurt and has experienced a profound sense of betrayal, especially because she found out accidentally. From her perspective, she was living a married life with your unique bonds, blessed with children, and a shared family narrative.
On the day she discovered your other marriage, that entire reality shattered. She had to confront the painful truth that you have been living a parallel life for years, with another woman and children, and with love and emotions involved.
She might be asking herself: “Would I have ever known if I hadn’t discovered it by chance?” That question alone can be extremely painful.
That kind of revelation can be devastating. It’s not only the act of hiding something — it’s the breaking of one’s life narrative. Everything she thought was true suddenly feels uncertain.
Her current behavior — the emotional distance, withdrawal, or even anger — might not be only revenge. It may be her way of protecting herself from further emotional pain.
Shutting down is a natural reaction when someone has been deeply hurt. So her response, painful as it may be for you, is a form of self-protection, not necessarily rejection.
If you want to preserve the marriage, the first thing you must accept is that she will need time. Healing from a breach of trust takes patience — especially when it was discovered by accident, not through your honesty.
Commit Yourself in Actions
I wonder if you have shared those reflections in your letter directly with her. If not, that could be an important step. Whatever the outcome, she would likely appreciate your transparency and honesty.
If you tell her sincerely,
“I love you, I love our family. I now realize that hiding my second marriage was a mistake. I made that choice, and I regret not being open with you. I understand how much this has hurt you, and I take full responsibility,” — this can open a door toward healing, even if slowly.
You described many examples of changes in her attitude and behavior, and it seems that you also understand the reasons behind them. I completely agree, in these circumstances, you cannot expect her to behave according to your previous expectations.
She needs time to adjust, to process everything, and to heal. After a discovery like this, it’s very difficult to expect the same level of love and care from her as before. What you can hope for now is that, with patience and sincerity, things will slowly begin to repair themselves.
So I encourage you to continue being honest, to admit your mistakes, and to express clearly that you love her and your family, that your feelings for her are real, and that you want to rebuild what was broken. Show her your commitment — not only through words, but through consistent actions.
Repair and Be Transparent
Try to have open, emotional conversations. Allow her to express her pain freely. Listen, validate her feelings, and don’t defend yourself during that time. When she feels heard, she may also be more willing to hear your side — to understand your emotions, your reasons, and your regrets.
If she has questions, answer them. Ask her what she needs to be able to trust again. Be honest but also set boundaries, and avoid intimate details about your second marriage that could cause further harm.
If she still loves you and feels that your repentance and sincerity are genuine, then — in time — she may begin to rebuild trust.
Remember, your decision to take a second wife is not the issue by itself — Islamically, it is permitted. The issue lies in how you did it: secretly, for a long period, while living a double life. That secrecy, and the loss of trust, is what most likely shattered her trust.
Also, remember that your children are part of this story too. They are living within a reality that has been partially hidden from them, and eventually, they too will need clarity and honesty — handled with wisdom and care. Your fears of causing disappointment can be prevented if you are transparent about your mistakes, and use your experience to teach them the lesson about the importance of honesty, family bonds and trust.
To conclude, brother: I sincerely wish you strength and success. Be honest, transparent, patient, and responsible in front of your wife — not just in words, but in actions. Show her that you truly understand her pain, that you respect her emotions, and that you are committed to rebuilding what was broken.
May Allah make it easy for you, guide your heart, and help both of you find peace and healing.