I am so confused how a person can enter what I was in the understanding, a monogamous marriage and then suddenly change their mind?
I am taking offense to this. I was meeting all of his rights and needs daily up until he started disappearing. I told him if I am not doing enough to tell me. I thought everything was fine but clearly something has happened.I do not want to be destroyed by this but mentally I’m not sure how I will recover from this. I’ve cried and on the other end I almost smashed my phone… The bitterness and resentment I feel. The anger. If it continues like this it’s only a matter of time before I explode.
I knew something was going on. I am able to pinpoint when all of this began. He started disappearing and not answering his phone which he has never done in all the years we have been married.
How am I supposed to mentally process all of this? Also how are men able to do justice when you spent months LYING? How is that justice? Also if a man is able to hide a second wife with no consequences whatsoever… how are we supposed to know the rights even in the first place? I was wondering why he stopped giving me money. He’s giving it to another woman he married.
He is scared of me currently. I have stayed mute. He knows how angry and upset I am. There’s no conversation. I am continuing to stay mute. I don’t even know what to say… I don’t know what to say. So where do I go from here?
At this point I want to know why… like what am I not doing? I have never neglected this man. And in general I feel this is betrayal I won’t recover from.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Your sense of injustice and betrayal is very real and understandable. Find ways to channel these feelings to process them.
- Ask yourself: Can you vision this new reality? What do you see? What would be the challenges, and what could make it work? Can you see yourself in that?
As-salāmu ʿalaykum, dear sister,
Thank you for your letter.
I can feel the emotional pain and hurt coming through your words. You are feeling betrayed by what has happened. Your husband has taken a second wife without discussing it with you beforehand, despite promising you at the time of marriage that he was interested in monogamy. Now, not only has he changed his mind, but he has begun disappearing, lying, spending money on the second wife, and leaving you feeling shocked and deeply wounded.
Your sense of injustice is very real and very understandable. You are asking whether this is normal, what you should do, and how such dishonesty and unfairness could ever be acceptable.
First of all, I want you to know that I absolutely understand your pain. From what you have shared, you have fulfilled his rights and your duties as a wife, and yet he chose someone else — without consulting you. This, naturally, feels unfair.
While I am not a scholar, as far as I know, according to Islamic law, if you wanted to ensure monogamy, it would have needed to be clearly stated in your marriage contract. Simply discussing it beforehand is unfortunately not legally binding. Please, to clarify this, please turn to a scholar or a mufti.
People may change their minds during life, however, fairness, honesty, and justice are core principles of our faith, and should be priority in our dealings.
Now you are left with the question of what to do next. You are in pain, unsure how to express yourself, and perhaps even unable to speak right now.
Express Yourself
It might help to start by writing down your feelings — journaling or drafting a letter, recording a voice note — so that you can channel these feelings and pour them out.
But of course, in order to resolve this, soon or later it would be important if both of you could talk about what happened and the impact it had on you.
For this, it would be great to find a way to express your hurt, at the same time, maintain your emotional control to be able to get your point across without the conversation becoming too heated.
So, if possible, speak with him in a calm setting, or with the help of a mediator. You have the right to let him know how deeply his actions have hurt you.
What Can You Vision?
You also need to ask yourself whether you want to try to repair this trust. Can you see yourself living in this new reality — sharing your husband with a second wife — while still having your rights respected?
So, ask yourself: Can you vision this new reality? What do you see? What would be the challenges, and what could make it work? Can you see yourself in that?
If you can imagine this future and would like to try to make it work, communicate with him clearly about what you need in order to feel secure and respected again.
He has a religious obligation to maintain fairness and justice between his wives, including dividing time, effort, and financial support equally. If he is unable or unwilling to do this, he must seriously reflect on whether he is acting justly or merely following his desires.
If you cannot see yourself accepting this situation or rebuilding trust, you also have the right to consider other options, including leaving the marriage.
Seek Support
Whatever you choose, I strongly recommend ongoing discussions with him — ideally with the guidance of a Muslim marriage counselor who understands these issues and can help you both explore whether trust can be rebuilt, or whether a separation would be a healthier path forward.
May Allah make this situation easy for you, guide you to what is best for your faith and heart, and grant you peace and justice.