I don't want to complain, and I know I have to look out for those who have less than me. But I don't like living. Most of the time, I feel pain over and over again, and the only moments of joy I have are just a facade—as if I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay.
I grew up in a very abusive environment, both verbally and physically. Today, things are better, but the harsh words are still there sometimes, and I still don't have the clear physical and emotional love I want. I don't feel any love from my family, and I only have one friend—a friend whose affection I no longer feel either.
I spend a lot of time daydreaming. I guess it's a coping mechanism for my trauma, since I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. And the thing I daydream about the most is being loved by a man. I do this before I sleep, sometimes during the day, and I feel it worsens my depression, but at the same time, when I don't, I have no instant comfort, and it breaks me. At least I feel alive when I daydream, because I smile or feel my chest tighten. When I'm not daydreaming, I feel emotionless because I don't feel love.
What I want so much, so much, is to get married.
I honestly want a pious husband, and I so desperately want a man to hold me in his arms and comfort me. Since my family doesn't give me that, and I don't have any friends for that either, my only option is to get married. Besides, I really, really want to be a mom, and being a housewife is really the only thing that would make me happy. I don't want to work to earn money.
Aside from that, I want to get married because I don't like my current way of living at all; what I would enjoy is just being a housewife. I know people might tell me that being a housewife can be lonely or boring, and so on. But I'm someone who stays at home a lot, by nature; I'm ashamed to admit how long I can stay at home without going out.
But I hate myself a lot. I don't feel good enough at anything.
It's not good to consider marriage in this state, except that I can't go to therapy (because I don't want to be called crazy at home), and I tell myself that since I'm aware of these problems, it should be okay; I just won't have to bother my husband with it.
I'm quite desperate, honestly. I just want to be loved so much. I've tried to fill this gaping hole in my chest by keeping myself busy, like watching Islamic lectures, but nothing works. It passes for the moment, but at night when I go to bed, my daydreams try to come back. I cry a lot.
I can't find support from my family regarding this.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Your daydreams about love and marriage are connected to this longing — they are a way for you to imagine a safe, caring connection that you didn’t have growing up.
- Seek therapy; join a charity, community group, or organization where you can both give and receive care and connection.
As-salaamu alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for your letter. I am truly sorry for what you have gone through and for what you have shared with me. You explained that you grew up in a loveless, abusive, and violent household, and that you have never truly felt love. You mentioned that you don’t have a good relationship with your parents. Now, as a young woman you are now craving love and affection.
Daydreaming to Disconnect
You shared that you often feel depressed and sad. Perhaps, as a coping mechanism, you daydream a lot and disconnect from your reality. You often fantasize about love and marriage, and being loved by someone who truly sees and values you for who you are.
One of the reasons you would like to get married as soon as possible – you want to finally experience love.
At the same time, you are struggling with a lot of self-doubt. You mentioned hating yourself, even trying to hurt yourself, and feeling as though you don’t deserve anything good. Also, your parents break your dreams by commenting negatively about your desire to find someone.
You also said you have a unique pattern of daydreaming, where you imagine someone rejecting or hurting you at first but eventually becoming gentle and loving. You asked where these feelings and patterns might come from.
Carving for Love and Marriage
Sister, I want you to know that I am truly moved by your letter. It is heartbreaking that you were not given the safety, comfort, love, and care that every child needs to grow up emotionally healthy.
You have tried to turn to religion and Islamic studies, but that they do not seem to fill this emotional void. That is completely understandable. Spirituality is essential, but it cannot always heal deep emotional wounds on its own.
From what you described, it seems that you are carrying deep emotional pain from not receiving the love and support you needed in childhood. This is likely why you find it difficult to love yourself.
Your daydreams about being loved are connected to this longing — they are a way for you to imagine a safe, caring connection that you didn’t have growing up. This is very natural and nothing to be ashamed of.
You are a beautiful human being who needs love, care, emotional connection, and nurturing — and that is completely okay. I am deeply sorry that your parents could not give you these things.
This was not your fault. And maybe they have tried their best, I do not know. But their failure to provide you with love does not mean you are unworthy of it, nor does it mean that you will never find it.
Seek Emotional Healing
I strongly encourage you to seek therapy if it is possible for you — ideally with a trauma-focused or emotionally focused therapist.
Therapy can help you heal from the pain of the past, rebuild your self-worth, and prepare to form healthier relationships, and your desired marriage in the future. Being aware of your struggles is an important first step, but healing may take time, effort, and support.
Please know that your longing for love and marriage, and your daydreams are all completely natural responses to what you have been through.
So, please, do seek further support, and emotional healing. It is worth it, and you truly deserve it.
In the meantime, try to seek out positive and healthy connections around you, off-line, if possible. If you have friends, spend time with them, and if not, consider finding activities and hobbies that bring you joy — such as exercise, spending time in nature, or creative outlets. Surround yourself with positive people who uplift you.
Turn Your Desires Into Action
You could also join a charity, community group, or organization where you can both give and receive care and connection. This could be related to children, animals, human rights, or any cause you feel passionate about. Taking action and helping others can be a beautiful way to express love and compassion while also feeling a sense of belonging.
Take these steps as you continue your healing journey. They can support your emotional growth and help you feel more connected and fulfilled.
May Allah grant you healing, and bless you with a loving and supportive spouse when the time is right. Do not lose hope. Allah sees you, He knows your pain, and from a healthier emotional place, everything will feel easier.
Take care of yourself, dear sister.