Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for submtting your questions. Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. Am I overreacting?

Hello I am looking for some guidance because I feel like maybe I am overreacting. My husband is very flirty with the woman in his life that includes co-workers. I have asked him now for 2 years to please have some respect for myself and him because I know he wouldn’t like it if I was always talking about everything with another man (I never would). I try to show that I don’t talk to anyone but him and I express my concerns, at first he says he understands and he won’t do it but then a month later we are talking about the same issue. He has now been deleting messages and doesn’t reply to them in front of me but I see the messages there or they suddenly disappear the next day.. I don’t know what to do… I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him but he gets so mad when I bring these things up again.

Please help a fellow sister out.

Salam alaikum, dear sister, Thank you for writing to us. 

You are looking for some guidance about your husband, who is very flirty with women in his life, including coworkers. You have asked him to have some respect for yourself and for himself as well, and it seems that he tries to do that, but after a while, he goes back to his original behavior.

Now he deletes messages and doesn’t reply when you are there, but actually it seems like when you are not there, he continues talking to other women, and this does not feel right to you. You love him so much, and you don’t want to lose him, but he gets mad when you bring these things up again.

Dear sister, my first question is: Before marriage, did you talk about ground rules regarding opposite gender friends, free mixing norms, and keeping co-worker relationships? If not, that maybe was, let’s say, a mistake because there is a chance that you were never on the same page regarding this, and now this is causing you a conflict. 

If you have talked about it and agreed, was he always like this or did something happen? When did he start to flirt with other women? Did anything significant happen, you remember?

It seems that you have different boundaries regarding friendships. This is even more special for us Muslims, as we have quite specific and clear rules about gender mixing and about relationships and friendships with the opposite sex. 

We are required to limit contact with the opposite gender, as the main goal is to protect our marriage. And this ideally should happen primarily for the sake of Allah, not for our spouses. We are supposed to try our best to follow what Allah SWT wants from us, as we believe that this is the best for us. We understand the wisdom behind it and why Allah SWT asks us to refrain from certain things. When this happens, we respect and follow His guidance, and it becomes an internalized attitude. We do not do it for others but for His sake.

This connects to the understanding of one’s responsibility and accountability in front of Allah. We, Muslims, believe that Allah is watching and that He is aware of all our interactions. So even if he deletes messages and you cannot see them, Allah is going to see them. This is a starting point about accountability and responsibility, and here the question arises: how much does he care about them? How is his taqwa? 

What can you do?

Talk to him and find out what makes him struggle to set some boundaries with female colleagues. What are his reasons? Maybe there are some underlying issues, and maybe that should be addressed first. Maybe he doesn’t know how to say no to other people. Maybe he doesn’t want to enter into conflict at the workplace. Maybe he doesn’t want to be the one who is out of the team. 

Maybe he does not know how to set up boundaries, there can be some fears behind, and also there can be a lack of understanding or lack of willingness to follow the command of Allah.

So what I suggest is to talk about these issues. Try to approach him with kindness and without judgment. The thing is that at the end of the day, he is hurting not you but himself::

“And Allah never wronged them, but it was they who wronged themselves.” (Quran 16:33)

Maintaining the right boundaries and honoring your marriage is in his own interest. He has to understand that if he wants to preserve his marriage, the best thing is to stop flirting with other women. It’s about his own accountability, his own willingness, and his own test, actually.

I understand that this is embarrassing and hurtful for you. Express this to him. It is okay to expect respect; you deserve it as a wife. 

On the other hand, if he does have any issues with the marriage, it will be better for both of you if you address it with a professional and find a way to fix it. Flirting with co-workers won’t help to get things better between you. 

If he does not want to change this behavior or have a deeper understanding, then again, you need to think about some form of counseling, because it can damage your relationship if you are not on the same page regarding these boundaries. 

I hope this helps. May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 2. My husband cheated on me and after decide to marry her

Last year at the end of my pregnancy I found out my husband was communicating with a woman. At that time he says he is helping her. After I gave birth to our child he told me he will marry her. Now after a year of their marriage I find out that he did rent a place for her and him to be together and the day of birth of our child he went to sleep in her house claiming he slept in his friend’s house. I find out that he still lies to me when he says I’m still at work but he goes to his second wife for a few hours and after coming home like he didn’t do nothing. When I try to approach him about his lie he always puts blame on me. Recently I found a letter with her address where he claimed last year it was his friend’s address and he had been in her house many times before they were even married. We have been together for 10 years but if he felt that our relationship is boring why didn’t he come and say something to this staff. The woman very well manipulates him to run after her every time she wants. I know all the truth now he still doesn’t know that I did find everything. I told him before that one day all the truth will come out. He said to me before I don’t lie to you, don’t look for the truth. Now when I know everything I still think about how to approach the situation because I can’t live life with lies. I know when I try to approach him he will try everything to make me look guilty and that I’m breaking our marriage as he always says itt. What to do?

Salam alakom, dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us. I remember your letter. Sr. Aisha advised you to reflect upon your feelings and to encourage him to be honest with you. 

I’m really very sorry to hear what has been going on since then. By now, they already have rented a place, and they are together. You found out that he lied to you about visiting his friend, even before marrying her. They were together on the day of the birth of your son, which I find very sad and disappointing, actually.

You do not write about your marriage with him beside this. I would like to ask: How does he treat you and your child? Is he a kind husband? Is he there for you and for your child? Is he participating, does he have interest, and does he fulfill his duties towards you as a family? Does he give you all the rights or not? 

These are important questions. If you have a good relationship and this is the only issue, then there is also a ground for reconciliation and hope, right? 

You can’t live with lies, and I think it’s a fair demand. Lies and lack of transparency build distrust and seriously can affect your marriage. I understand that if you don’t know what’s going on, he hides things, and he doesn’t want to talk about them. That can be very confusing and very disturbing. 

He has the right to have to take a second wife; we have a verse about this in the Quran. But in the same verse, Allah demands justice: 

“Then marry other women of your choice—two, three, or four. But if you are afraid you will fail to maintain justice, then content yourselves with one.” (Quran 4:3)

Justice also means fair treatment and trying his best not to harm you. So one thing is getting married to someone else, and the other thing is how one does that. There is his right, but also there is a right way to practice those rights. Of course, if there is injustice, naturally, problems will occur and no one will be happy. 

It would be good to talk about what he expects from your marriage because you still have rights as a wife, and one of these is kind treatment. If he wants to stay in marriage with you, you need to seek counseling together to address trust issues that stem from his attitude and lies.

He has to understand that his behavior has consequences, and it affected and is still affecting your feelings for him, your trust in him, and your capacity to love him.

If he wants to keep this marriage, he has to acknowledge that and make an effort to change. You can involve your family, if that can help him to understand that he still is your husband, and if he wants peace and love at home with you, he has to fulfill your duties towards you.

At the same time, if he has an open approach, he’s kind to you, treats you well, and so forth, maybe with a professional you can reach a mutual acceptance that he has chosen a second wife, while he still loves you and wants to be with you and with your child. In this case, maybe he wants to protect your family life and marriage by not talking about things that do not concern your marital life together. The best would be to hear each other and understand his intentions and he, yours. 

With this being said, try to talk with him about his expectations, and of course, you have to think about what you want in this marriage. Are you able to accept that he has chosen someone else to marry too or not? Think about what exactly you want and need and how you feel about each possible scenario. Maybe with a professional you can work on to find the compromise, where each of you is satisfied with and the rights of each of you are there given. May Allah make it easy for you. Please come back anytime you need guidance. 

Question 3. Need Advice: Can I Marry a Christian Girl Without My Parents’ Approval?

I’m a Muslim man who is in love with a Christian woman, and we’ve kept our relationship halal. However, my parents strongly disapprove of my decision to marry her because of the religious differences. I respect my faith and my parents, but I also want to build a future with her. Can I still go ahead with the marriage, even without their blessing, and stay true to my Islamic values? Any guidance or advice would be appreciated.

Assalamualaikum, dear brother, thank you for writing to us.

You are a Muslim man who is in love with a Christian woman, and you have kept your relationship halal, masallah. However, your parents strongly disapprove of your decision because of religious differences. You respect your faith and parents, but you will also want to build the future with her. You ask whether you can still go ahead with the marriage even without their blessing.

The issue is that, when it comes to interfaith marriages, certainly there are some challenges. It’s very recommended that both parties reflect and discuss possible conflicts that can arise from these differences PRIOR to the marriage.

I’m not sure whether you have talked about these issues, but it’s very recommendable to talk out each main point to make sure that you are on the same page regarding. I recommend here sincerity and honesty, also with yourselves, not only with the other one regarding the crucial points of day-to-day life in an interfaith marriage.

Islamically speaking, she can marry a Christian woman; she does not need to convert to Islam. She can practice her fate, and she has actually the same rights as a Muslim wife would have. At the same time, you, as a father, are required to raise your kids as Muslims. This can be one of the main challenges. You have to be on the same page with that, and also with creating an Islamic home. These are conditions from your side, Muslim, and then there are some daily issues like eating pork, having alcohol at home or not, Christmas, Ramadan, other festivities and traditions, free mixing, etc.

Also, there are some valid reasons to reject the marriage from your parents’ side. If your parents fear that your faith can be in threat, this can be a valid reason. I’m not sure what the problem is of your parents. Her being a Christian, maybe not enough reason to reject her because if you are able to deal with those points I mentioned before, and manage them, inshallah, with a lot of love, respect, and mutual understanding between each other.

So just the fact that she’s Christian may not be an issue. At the same time, if they have some valid fear that marrying her, your Islam could be at risk, that can be a valid reason you should maybe double-think and take their advice. Please write to our scholar for clarification regarding. 

What I suggest is to have an honest conversation with your parents and try to talk with them about their fears and worries and see whether there is any real and valid reason behind their rejection or not. If yes, try to address them. Maybe they just want to protect you from any possible risk.

Help them to see that you are aware of these challenges and risks and that you are taking the right steps to prevent them. Maybe this will help them feel more secure about your choice.

You can also invite her and let them know each other. They may realize that you have a lot in common, and she is a nice, kind, and suitable girl for you, and eventually she is not a threat. 

Here some further readings: 

Mixed Marriage: Can Children Be Exposed to Christianity?

Now He Won’t Let Me Take Our Kids to Church, Despite His Promise

May Allah make it easy for you. Thank you.

Question 4. Tinnitus

I am writing to you because I have for a long time now struggled to find relevant answers to this topic. I have made the stupid decision to listen to a lot of music for quite a long time everyday. I strongly regret my sin and try to better myself. The thing is I as a result of this habit have developed a pretty bad tinnitus that is haunting me everyday. So my question is two:

1. is there any duas apart from ordinary duas that i can make so that Allah swt will remove my tinnitus because I caused I myself so I feel quite stupid and ashamed when making dua

2. if I make tawbah and chance will Allah punish me for the way I used my ears because I used them irresponsible and without thought.

I have so many regrets and the tinnitus is so difficult to live with

I have many duas many in sujooud and I keep sabr but i am also very sad and I start to think that I probably will have to live with it because there is no treatment for it even though I know that we shouldn’t take the doctor’s words for the ultimate truth.

Assalamualaikum, dear sister, Thank you for writing to us.

I’m really sorry to hear that you have developed tinnitus, a hearing health problem, from listening to too much music for quite a long time every day. Listening to loud music is one of the causes, as far as I know, of developing tinnitus. Has the doctor confirmed that that was the reason for that? Is it permanent or is it temporary? Is there anything you can do about it or not? 

I am asking it because there are other reasons too, so it would be important to see whether there are other issues behind and seek treatment, if possible. 

You are asking for some duas, and you say that if you make tawbah, is there any chance that Allah will punish you for the way you use your ears?

Well, while maybe there is a connection between your hearing problem and listening to loud music, as this can be a direct consequence, we cannot confirm and declare that this is a punishment from Allah. We have no authentic source that says that when you listen to music, Allah will punish you with tinnitus, as far as I know. 

There are people who listen to music, and not all of them develop tinnitus as the result of that, right? And many who never listen to music but do. Of course, if you listened to music too loud for a long time, that had consequences. Hopefully it won’t be a permanent condition, but if so, in sha Allah, still there are alternatives.

Whatever the case, getting punishment from Allah, it’s not the condition of tawbah, as far as I know. Read more here about repentance.

It seems from your letter that you have sincerely repented in your heart, and you feel very guilty about what you have done. Sister, we are humans and make mistakes, and recognizing these mistakes is the first step and maybe the most important step because this is the ground for change.

So I would like to ask you to look at what is happening from another perspective and see whether there have been any blessings or any lessons to learn from this. Maybe, thanks to this situation, you have realized what you really want and what really matters to you; you are seeking Allah’s guidance or His forgiveness. You are turning to Him in Dua, you are turning to Him in Sujood, you are trying to be patient, etc. All these things are actually the best outcome of a lesson and the test: getting closer to Allah. This is the final goal, and every situation that helps us to get closer to Him, even though there are trials and tribulations, are actually also blessings in our lives.

Please keep saying duas, and keep trusting in Allah and asking Him to heal you. 

Some duas:

“O Allah, Grant me health in my body. O Allah, Grant me good hearing. O Allah, Grant me good eyesight:”

Allaahumma ‘aafinee fee badanee, Allaahumma ‘aafinee fee sam’ee, Allaahumma ‘aafinee fee basaree, laa ‘ilaaha ‘illaa ‘Anta (three times). 

“O Allah, I seek your protection and good health.”:

Allahumma inni as’alukal-‘afiyah

“Oh Allah! The Sustainer of Mankind! Remove the illness, cure the disease.
You are the One Who cures. There is no cure except Your cure. Grant us a cure that leaves no illness.“

Allahuma rabbi-nas adhhabal ba’sa, ashfi wa entashafi, la
shifa’ illa shifa’uka shifa’ la yughadiru saqama.

“I seek protection in the might of Allah and His power from the evil of what
I am experiencing and of what I fear.” (Recommended for the sick person to place right hand on area of pain, say Bismillah three times, then recite this supplication seven times.)

A’oozu bi’izzatillaahi wa qudratihi min sharri maa ajidu
wa uhaaziru.

After making Tawba and seeking His forgiveness, please believe and accept His words from the Quran when He says that He is All-Forgiving:

“If they repent and correct themselves, leave them alone. Indeed, Allāh is Ever Accepting of repentance and Merciful.” Quran 4:16

He forgives all when you mend your way, and it seems to me that you have done that, you have changed for the better, and you have given up this habit. So, it seems that you have done everything, masallah.

Try to be a patient, and please consult another doctor or some other doctors regarding, because depending on the intensity and the situation of your specific condition, there can be things to do. Don’t give up, try to see what can be done and follow the recommendations. Seek alternatives because there can be solutions. Maybe not the ones you imagine for yourself but other ones. Have hope and faith in Allah. This is the more important thing.

May Allah make it easy for you. May Allah grant you quick recovery and full recovery. May Allah bless you. May Allah forgive you. May Allah grant you high ranks for your repentance and for your good attitude, ameen.