Dear brothers and sisters,

Thank you for writing to our counseling section, Ask the Counselor. Please find here 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers.

If you have your own concerns and are looking for advice, submit your question now!

Question 1. Anger Issues

Assalamu alaikum, basically I have really bad anger when a slight thing goes wrong, even if it’s just breaking my wudu in prayer once I’ll get so mad. I also have anger outbursts where I am aggressive. when I make a mistake reading Qur’an, I lose my control and do bad things from my stress and have actually avoided reading it as much as I can unfortunately, I suffer all the time with waswasa so this just makes it worse. Now I avoid doing dhikr too because if I mess up I just get mad and even in Dua I feel a pressure to say loads of things and it stresses me out because I am robotic in every dua because I am afraid to not mention specific things and just in 2 minutes I start crying and getting too frustrated to do anything because I constantly mess up all my acts of worship or they go wrong for me or I let Shaytan’s whispering get to me. Please help me as I am suffering mentally and I am not finding much enjoyment anymore from salah or acts of worship. Sorry if I am confusing you, I am trying say that everything I do. I get waswasa that I did it wrong or something then I get angry and do bad things unwillingly.

Salam alaikum, dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us.

As I understand, you have very bad anger when slight things go wrong, even like breaking your wudu, or you make a mistake when you are reading the Quran. You say that you suffer all the time from Waswasa, so this just makes it worse. Many things stress you out; you are robotic in your dua and are afraid not to mention every specific thing. You start crying and getting frustrated with doing anything because you constantly mess up all your acts of worship.

I’m really sorry, sister, to hear that. It seems to me that you are going through some kind of stressful moment, so my first question would be: is there anything specific that has happened to you? Or have you always experienced this?

It seems to me that we are talking about the toleration of frustration and making mistakes. You say that you are getting so stressed and frustrated when you make a mistake. Sister, aren’t we imperfect creations of Allah? We are going to err, and this is very normal and natural. We make mistakes, and we do have the ability to fix them, admit that we made something wrong, ask for forgiveness when needed, and move on.

Some people have perfectionist tendencies and have difficulties admitting mistakes and failures. Sometimes, the more we try to make things perfect, the more difficult it will be to do that well, and actually, the more stressed we feel when we try to perform.

Until some point, stress is helpful and healthy as it helps us to stay alert and solve situations as the body and mind get activated. On the other hand, if you are too stressed, it worsens your ability to accomplish a task.

What I suggest is to practice some relaxing techniques. For example, breathing techniques, guided imagination, progressive muscle relaxation, etc. All of them you can find online on YouTube, for example. Think about the fact that your nervous system can’t go both ways, and by stimulating the parasympathetic system with breathing techniques and relaxation, your body will calm down.

Once you are calm, you can start to do dhikr, or prayer, without trying to reach perfection. It’s okay if you don’t make it perfectly; just correct yourself and continue.

Furthermore, you are 15 years old, and you are in the middle of puberty, a hormonal boom that affects your emotions as well. Your emotions can be much more intense, and it can feel like you can hardly control them, unlike before.

Sister, know that this process, this emotional maturation, is natural. Part of it is that you are going to feel emotions in a more intense way, and sometimes you may feel that they are out of control. It’s okay, and you can try to make conscious efforts to control them. It’s okay to feel them, but we need to deal with how to express them in a way that doesn’t hurt others or yourself.

When something does not work out, it’s very important to observe the self-talk we give ourselves. What do you say to yourself when something does not work out? Make sure that you do not identify yourself with your mistakes. It doesn’t mean that you are a failure; it does not mean that what you do is useless; it does not mean that you are uncapable, etc.

Try to reframe if you notice any of these sentences. Add something like, Okay, this time I had issues with reading it properly, but next time I will do it better. Or just because I made a mistake, it does not mean that next time I’m not going to do it better.

You can also imagine that you are advising your best friend, who just made a mistake and feels awful about it. How would you comfort her? Can you apply the same compassion to yourself too?

Think about your expectations of yourself. Allah does not require from you perfection in your duas, sister. He does not expect you to mention all His names, all His attributes, and all the things that you need in your duas. There are some general guidelines, but beyond that, ask Allah what you would like. Your efforts count, as does your sincere intention of seeking guidance. Remember, he says, Call on me, and I will answer you.

With this being said, if you think that these tips won’t help, try counseling, where you can talk about your anxiety and the possible reasons behind it and get further tips on successfully managing it. May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 2. Married man converting to marry a Muslim divorcee

I am a married non-Muslim who fell in love with a divorced Muslim woman.
This woman had seen great sadnesses in her life and was getting lost in her path. With love I helped her realize her self-worth again and helped her reconnect to her faith. Over time this rejuvenated woman taught me more about Islam. The more I learned I realized that at my heart and in my beliefs with my notions about God and how a human being should live in this world, i am very close to being a Muslim.
This woman deserves all the happiness that the cruel life has taken away from her. I want to marry this woman to restore her to live a full life of happiness and dignity that she deserves. I am willing to convert to do this but face 2 challenges:
1. Will this conversion affect my inheritance from my non-Muslim parents? It’s an important part for me to have this inheritance in order to assure a good life for this woman.
2. I am unable to divorce my non-Muslim wife due to various compelling reasons (suicidal wife, child, parents and also the point no. 1). But, our relationship has been merely based on paper with love dying up over the years due to very opposite natures, family backgrounds, disrespect to family, marriage of convenience etc. That was the very reason I was looking for solace elsewhere in the first place. She won’t convert and won’t agree for divorce.
What should I do?

Salam alaikum, brother,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand it, you are a married non-Muslim, and you fell in love with a divorced Muslim woman. Your love helped her to realize her own self-worth again and reconnect to her faith, masha Allah. May Allah reward you for that. The more you learn about Islam, the more you realize that your heart and your beliefs about God are very close to Islam, and you are very close to becoming a Muslim, alhamdulillah. May Allah guide you towards the path of Islam.

You say that this woman deserves all the happiness, and you would like to marry her. You are willing to convert, but you do face challenges. Your question number one is:  Will your conversion affect your inheritance from your non-Muslim parents? Brother, for this part, I would like to refer you to our scholar. Kindly write to our section: Ask the Scholar because I am a counselor and not qualified to answer this question.

The second question is: you say that you are unable to divorce your non-Muslim wife due to various compelling reasons. She’s suicidal; you have a child, parents, and also the issue of inheritance. Your relationship has been merely based on paper, with love dying out over the years. And this is why you were looking for solace elsewhere. She won’t convert, and you and she won’t agree to divorce.

Brother, this is a very sad situation regarding your wife because marriage is such an important part of our lives. In a marriage, we do have duties and rights for both husband and wife. When conflicts arise, first we are advised to fix our disagreements. Sometimes, when this does not work out after attempts at reconciliation, and there is no improvement, divorce can take place.

But without divorce, a Muslim is not allowed to have an extra-marital affair with someone, even if the actual relationship does not work out, and this new one means a more spiritually uplifting union. We need to respect the commands of Allah, obey His rules, and deal with our issues within the boundaries He gives us. 

There is a saying in Islam that says that if you give up something for the sake of Allah, He is going to reward you or gift you with something better. And this is one of the main points, brother. Sometimes we need to give up for His sake in order to really gain the happiness and peace we deserve and are looking for in life.

This sacrifice can differ for each of us. It can be money, family relationships, marriage, love, and so forth. We need to see that, for the sake of Allah and fulfilling His commands, what are the particular things we are willing to give up? You will need to evaluate what factors matter to you more on both scales.

We believe in destiny. So, if you are meant to be husband and wife, it will happen, but if it does not have to happen in this setting, it won’t, and that will be better for you, even if you only comprehend why later in life. These main issues in your life are already written, and Allah is testing you to see whether you are doing things according to His will, whether you are able to give up things in life for His sake, and whether you are seeking his pleasure in your choices or not. The Quran is full of reminders about this.

Brother, I advise you to try to reflect on this situation from this point of view. Let’s be clear: in Islam, we cannot have extramarital affairs, and a divorced Muslim woman has to get married to be in a relationship with someone, so some form of adjustment in this setting will be needed. 

I understand that you are unable to divorce your non-Muslim wife, but maybe with the help of a counselor taking a couple of counseling sessions, you can reconsider whether this inability is a real inability, whether these obstacles are real obstacles, or if there are some other alternatives you can think about and that can work out for you and all your family. In other words, whether your situation is as complicated as you perceive it, maybe you can find another perspective.

If you are thinking about becoming Muslim or living an Islamic lifestyle, it is very important to accept that we need to do things according to Allah and obey Him, as in this obedience and guidance we will find true peace. If your heart is inclined towards Islam and you are certain of the truth of this message, that is a unique relationship between you and Allah and should and will remain regardless of your choice, in sha Allah.

I hope this helps. May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 3. How do I deal with an abusive younger brother?

My brother is only 2 years younger than me but he is taller & much stronger. He has the ability to beat up any of my family as we are mostly girls & physically abuses all of us. He gets mad when I correct his mistakes as stealing from our mother & he gets mad if I “try & be islamic” & tell him that it is a sin to curse & hit. My household isn’t very religious but we do hold islamic morals in our house, despite this he continues to abuse even his own mother. Our father isn’t present that much as he works abroad and my brother only acts alright when my father is here. My mother is ill & my younger brother blackmails & manipulated her to buy his useless games whilst we are struggling to pay rent. Neither of our siblings are able to move out because of our age but I am worried that once I leave for work and school that there will be no one to protect the youngers in my household. My family dismissed his behaviour as they’re scared themselves but I don’t want to speak up as it can put me in danger as it has before. He has gone to the extent where he starts suffocating & where our lives are at stake yet everyone moves on like nothing has happened. If i deny helping/talking to him because of a previous situation then he gets offended & does it again. I am embarrassed as he’s younger than me & holds so much power over me & I make constant dua to make him normal yet it doesn’t work. What do I do?

Salam alaikum, dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand it, you have a younger brother; he is stronger and taller than you, and he has the ability to beat up you and any of your family members, unfortunately. He abuses you and his mother. You don’t want to speak up anymore because you are scared, like others, and you think that it can put you in as much danger as it did before. His abuse has gone to an extent where he starts suffocating and your life is at stake, yet everyone acts like nothing has happened.

Sister, this is a very embarrassing and serious situation. This is physical abuse and domestic violence, and this has no place in Islam or in an Islamic household. This is not only morally wrong but also a crime with legal consequences. You say that your household isn’t very religious, but you hold Islamic morals. Dear sister, what kind of Islamic morals are we talking about when someone can abuse the whole family and nothing happens? This is clearly not okay, and just because he’s holding physical power, he has no right to hurt you or your family.

You have mentioned some very scary things in your letter, so the first thing would be making sure that you and your family are safe from any possible harm. You may have to talk to a local domestic violence or abuse helpline, explain your situation, and ask for help. They can make a plan to ensure your safety and take the necessary steps. Kindly, sister, if there is any chance that something serious and life-threatening can happen to you or your family, do not hesitate to seek immediate help until it’s too late!!

I am not sure, but what you are explaining (you also mentioned stealing) can also be a sign that something is not going well with him. Possible behavioral issues, mental illness, or addictions can make him really out of control, so exploring the root cause is also important and urgent.

I am not sure about your relationship with him, but if you talk to your brother in a good moment, I advise you that instead of pointing out his mistakes, talk about how you would like to see him. As a brother who protects you and his own mother, who cares for his family, who is brave and just, etc.

If you suspect a possible mental health issue or addiction, you may direct him towards seeking help. You may say that you can understand his frustration, even his feelings, but whatever happens to him, he cannot abuse you and use violence to get what he wants. Offer your support and urge him to seek help.

As far as I understand, your father isn’t present that much because he works abroad, and your brother only acts right when your father is there. Unfortunately, studies show that having an absent father can lead to problematic behavior, especially issues regarding discipline, violence, criminal acts, or substance abuse. The role of the father is crucial and very important, and if your father is not there, this can have a negative effect on your brother’s behavior.

I am not sure how your father is—whether he is also violent or abusive. If not, and he has a good relationship with your brother and your family, he would be the first one to model being the leader of the house. Your brother should understand and learn other forms of behavior without using physical violence or threats. Talk to your father and ask him to help you and your family.

It would be great if your father, again, if he is a good example, could be more present in his life, giving him real attention, care, listening, and spending quality time. This means being together, bonding, and spending time together when he’s at home with real attention to each other and to each other’s needs. That could maybe help your brother if he misses his father figure at home.

In the absence of your father, there has to be an authority figure holding him accountable for his deeds, preventing him from hurting others, and protecting you from any harm. Kindly look around in your family or among close friends and seek the help of some authority figure immediately. 

Kindly take action as soon as possible. May Allah make it easy for all the family.

Question 4. I am married but I love someone else.

I am 27 male, married for just over a year and engaged for about 3 years. Since the beginning of the engagement, I have not had good feelings about marrying this particular woman, the woman is a fantastic person, she fears Allah, she has utmost respect for me, my family and my sibling. She caters to all my needs and wants and she does everything she can in her life to be a good wife. She’s submissive and obedient.

There are 2 problems.

1. I do not love her. I have tried to love her, find attraction points and focus on them but I have not been successful. I am simply not attracted to her emotionally and physically. Our sex life is horrible, she’s often frustrated because of it and often there is bad energy between us because of it, all because I do not find her attractive.

2. Problem number 2 is that my heart belongs to another woman, who is not a Muslim but equally as amazing in all aspects. She’s ready to convert to Islam for the sake of Allah, she respects me and all my needs and wants. I love this person. We have have had a haram relation since we were kids ( for 10 years now ). I am emotionally tied to her.

I know I cannot marry her as things stand as my parents will not respect it. I will bring great shame to my family if I divorce my wife. It will be a big disrespect to my wife and her family. BTW my wife is my first cousin which is halal of course but it’s one of the reasons I am not attracted to her. If I were to divorce her, that would surely bring issues between the families.

So I am in a rough situation at the moment where I cannot leave my wife because I don’t have a valid reason; but I also cannot love her because my heart is with someone else.

I would appreciate any advice on this dilemma.

Salam alaikum, brother,

Thank you for writing to us. You are 27 years old and have been married for just over a year. Since the beginning of the engagement, you have had no good feelings about marrying this woman. She has respect for you and your family, caters to all your needs, and does everything she can to be a good wife, mashallah. There are two problems: one is that you point, and one is that you do not love her. You tried, but you were simply not attracted to her emotionally or physically.

Point number two is that your heart belongs to another woman who is not a Muslim. She’s equally amazing in all aspects, and she’s ready to convert to Islam for the sake of Allah. She respects you and all your needs. You have been in a relationship for 10 years now, and you are emotionally attached to her.

Brother, I would switch the order of these two points. I think the starting point is that you have had a relationship with another woman and have been emotionally tied to her for 10 years, since you were kids, and your heart belongs to her, and that understandably makes it difficult, if not impossible, to get attached to your own wife. You know that you cannot marry her because your parents won’t accept your choice, which would bring great shame to your family. And if you divorce, it will be a big disrespect to your wife and her family.

I’m not sure what made you not consent to this marriage when it was still possible to do that. Arranged marriages are common in Islam, as are cousin marriages, but still, your consent does matter. It is a condition of an Islamic marriage. If you do not want to marry someone, you don’t have to. Even if you are cousins, even if there are family commitments, compromises, and so forth, you don’t have to.

I’m not sure what made you think that if you are in love with someone else, the marriage you start will work out. The second thing is that your wife, who has no fault that you married her while loving someone else, does not deserve a husband who is unfaithful to her. You made a promise, and you accepted this marriage, apparently at least. 

How can you fix that?

I think it is time to think about which sacrifice you are willing to take to fix this situation: letting go of the love of your life for the sake of staying in this marriage for the sake of your family. If you think that you are not going to be able to marry her, you need to stop doing zina and let her go if this has no halal future.

The second thing you can do is stand up for your needs, confront your family, and tell them how you feel. If you were forced to marry her or your consent did not matter, this situation is unfortunately the direct consequence of it, and your parents will have to deal with not listening to your needs back in those days. 

There is one point more, as Islamically, you can get the second wife. I am not sure where you live or what the legal context is, but religiously speaking, you can stay married to your cousin, but you do marry her as a second wife if both parties consent.

But note that Allah (SWT) is demanding justice and equal treatment for all your wives. You need to think about whether you would be able to do that or not, and according to what you are explaining right now, at least emotionally and physically, you are not at the point to provide equal treatment and equal rights to both of them.

I only recommend this option if they are also okay with it. You have to be transparent and sincere in your intentions and communication, and make sure that you are able to provide them with equal love and fair treatment, not favoring one over the other.

I’m not sure how your relationship with your first wife is or how she feels in this marriage; I’m not sure whether she’s happy with you or not, or if she’s stuck in this relationship as a result of your heart being somewhere else. But if you are married, your wife deserves to be treated fairly, and she has rights over you. If you cannot fulfill them, you have to think about what changes have to be made. 

So, if you think that you can fulfill her rights, you may discuss the possibility of having a second marriage with this woman legally, in front of Allah, and in front of your family.

Dear brother, I advise you to reflect upon these options, as one thing is sure: being in a haram relationship cannot work and is not acceptable.

If we are not standing up for our wishes and needs in front of our family, we do pay a high price and destroy lives around us. We need to respect our family and our parents and obey them, but your opinion also matters, and when it comes to marriage, your willingness also matters.

So, if any kind of forced marriage has taken place, this seems to be the direct consequence of that decision. Think about how to fix it and not continue the way it is right now because it’s violating the rights of your wife or the commands of Allah. I kindly advise you to think about what matters most to you and what you are willing to give up for Allah’s sake. May Allah make it easy for you.